Dp and I agreed to separate- he is now feeling suicidal help?

[Whitegrenache]

Dp and I agreed to separate about 5 weeks ago - made plans tilde dd 14 and ds11 and all the rest of the family.

He agreed to move out and rent somewhere

Recently he confided that he is feeling very anxious and depressed and is thinking about suicide
I spied on his iPad and his history showed "how to make a Will" and Samaritans.
He is crying and saying he is is worried about being lonely (this is not like him at all- I fact he often doesn't understand anxiety of depression and thinks people should snap out of it)

Since the separation we have got on really week and him and dd had spoken and wondered if I would stay with him and
He asked me on Sunday if I would consider it

I told him his feelings of depression are clouding his judgement and that the relationship is not right ( no sexual contact for over a year etc) and that if he was feeling well he would see we had made the right decision.

Anyway he is now feeling low again and I am scared he will do something to him self , but don't think that's a reason to stay with him either. I have told him not to rush into moving out and also to get some help from a friend or his GP.

Please anyone any advice?

I feel like I have the weight on my shoulders

Ok thanks

I'll definitely ring the GP
Not so sure about emergency services but I'll reflect on it tonight

is he in your house right now ?

What set him off tonight?
Let's see if we can find the trigger if you really think you can help him,

Yes he is in house now in bed

The trigger for his driving off tonight was because I had rang his mum and dad to come and talk to him

He needs medical help.
Went thru this with exp.
It s hard to call 999 but you have to.
How damaged is the car?

Talk to him about leaving and getting help?

He refused to come home unless him mum and dad went

I just wanted him safe home

Are there knives chain saws or weapons in the house or garage ? Hazardous medication?

Prob damaged the car- the gate is a huge 12 foot wooden gate and it was smashed through
But that can be fixed
He had agreed to move out when he finds a rental property and unfortunately where we live they are in high demand and not available very often

We have spoken about him moving out in August by the latest

If he's told you tonight he is going to do it, that's a plan. Call the police.
He's just driven a car into your gate, after saying he's going to kill himself and sped off. If he's being manipulative then good, the police will sort him out. And possibly give him a warning about his behaviour, so then he'll know not to carry on the charade as he knows you'll do the same again. If he does need genuine help, as his mental health is suffering the police will sort it. Either way, it's above you. Report for yourself, him and your children. He's not your problem to fix anymore.

You need help with this.
Get his mum and dad to come tomorrow.
Tough if he moans. He isn't well .
Is there anywhere you can go with dc? Your family?

If he goes off again after saying he is suicidal, please do call 999, it absolutely is an emergency. They wont arrest him or section him unless ABSOLUTELY necessary or he says/does things that again, give them no choice. He would be classified as a high risk missing person and everything possible would be done to make sure he is found and safe. I work for a police control room and see this multiple times a day. They will help, dont take it all on your shoulders, GP is definitely a good idea too x

Why can't he go to his parents for now?
Not fair on dc to witness this behaviour

Sorry, just seen he's come home. Next time (there will be a next time) call 101 if you think 999 isn't appropriate, also tell him that that's what you plan to do next time his behaviour goes over the edge. And do it.

Why are you splitting up with a nice caring man with no manipulative bone in his body?

I know lots of nice, caring, non-manipulative men. I don't wish to be married to them. The OP wants to end the relationship. As is her right.

Go with him to gp and tell the truth. One option. But if he wouldn't speak to his parents probably he won't speak to gp?
Keep a charged mobile on you and be ready to call 999.

@Gin4thewin
Thanks - next time I will definitely do that

Hi OP, this sounds really hard, but I think you are right to be concerned,men are at an increased risk of suicide, particularly after relationship breakdown. This is a very helpful website specifically for suicidal men amd their friends/family. Some useful advice here:
ttps://www.thecalmzone.net/help/worried-about-someone/

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
Thanks!
He is a lovely man and a great dad - we have just fallen out of love and the wierd thing about all of this , I that it was a mutual decision and he very much agreed to it.
Lockdown and lack of a home has meant we have spent time together in our home nd we have been very pleasant With each other and spending time together as a family
I think it has just hit him hard and his thoughts are not rational iyswim?
I'm sure when he starts to feel better and his mental health improves he will very much understand why we made the decision in the first place

I think deep down op you know the threats aren't real. It's hard to accept and deal with when we are manipulated in this way.

The day your relationship ended he no longer became your problem.
His MH, behaviour or actions have nothing to do with you simply because you cannot control another person.

All you can do is next time don't hesitate and call 999. The man you knew has gone and you already know this. IF he is genuine that is the only thing you can do to help.

@shivermetimbers77 that's extremely useful thanks - I will very much contact them tomorrow

To the other suggesting I need to not let things my problem I'm afraid that's not going to happen

I'm a caring "fixer" by nature and I still very much care for him even though I have fallen out of love with him

But thanks for any advice from each of you.
It means a lot that you all took the time to reply and try to help me have a gin on me

Separation brings out strong feelings and emotions and perhaps issues with past loss we didn’t even know we had. He needs support to deal with this.
What is important is your children aren’t exposed to this frightening behaviour and out of control emotions. Their adjustment to the separation will be guided very much by how they witness their parents adjusting.
I hope things get better

you can't fix this .
Caring means getting him help. /telling him to seek help
Caring for your dc means making it clear to him his behaviour has scared his dc. And is unacceptable.
Good luck

Thanks everyone
He spoke to the GP who has referred him for counselling
He has a much calmer and said he felt better talking to someone neutral

Fingers crossed he gets the help and gets better soon

That sounds like a good outcome.

Remember not to inadvertently "reward" him by going back on splitting up because he acted out. Even if subconscious it damages him if there is a "reward". Like children being naughty to get attention: it's not malicious, the mind is powerful in getting its needs met.