Stuck in between a decision that will make or break me

[Newbiehere123]

Hi Everyone,

I have been married for just over 2 years now and have had problems in my marriage throughout. I have a 15 month old DC together with DH. I'm at a stage where I can no longer live like this but scared to take action in case I regret it. I am normally hotheaded but have been challenged for the past 2 years to keep my cool but no longer can take it and at a breaking point.

My DH works very hard in a stressful job but has no time for me or dc. He is very selfish and all he cares and says is that he works hard and he must enjoy himself ie. not care or help out with dc and he must relax. He often quotes he only has one life and he is going to make the most out of it and it's my job as a mother to care for dc as he provides me with money. Financially we are very comfortable, we eat out regularly, I had a regular cleaner (before Covid), we can go on very nice holidays and he buys me anything I want. However, he is emotionally/physically unavailable as a husband and father.

He drinks everyday which means we can never have a proper conversation as he is the type that would pull something out of context which would cause a full blown argument. It's draining to argue with someone who is drunk which I just ignore him most of the time.

We are currently on holiday right now and have been arguing every single day. He is ok in the morning as he doesn't drink but towards the evening, he becomes a dick and I no longer have the patience to deal with it. I am starting see through him and how he has underlying mental health issues that was there before me which is resurfacing every time he drinks. He tells me that I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lifestyle he provides us by working his butt off. He has never been stingy with money and always shares. But it's not all about the money is it? People can be very happy without it.

My issue is, I want to leave him because I am really unhappy and I'm only 32. However, his business is starting to take a hit due to Covid and I don't want to leave him and break the marriage at a time like this because It will break him even more. I want to help him and heal him and get help for his alcohol problems like I promised in our wedding vows. When he doesn't drink, he is so funny and caring. I don't want to give up easily on him as I don't want dc to experience a broken family however, I don't want regret in the future why I never left him NOW if nothing ever changes.

Please let me know your thoughts. I am the type that will say it's easy to break a marriage or partnership but it's hard work to manage it. But will it be worth it if I help him?

Obviously you need to have a long and serious chat with him when you get home. Tell him what you've told us, when he's sober. Can you arrange care for your child? You could write him a letter explain how you feel instead. These are difficult times and it sounds like it'll get worse for him. His attitude about providing for you could stem from his upbringing , no consolation for you though. If you stay or go, it's going to be hard. Have a talk and see how he responds, then be prepared to get your ducks in a row. HTH.

Cheeky but could you look at my post as I've had no replies! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3960210-Selling-moving-on-complicated-advice-welcome

Thanks.

He needs an ultimatum you will follow through on. It's up to him then

Tell him to stop drinking or you are off. And if he carries on drinking make sure you leave.

I’d ask him how he intends to care for his child 50/50 when you split up.

Sometimes it’s the jolt they need.

I want to help him and heal him and get help for his alcohol problems like I promised in our wedding vows.

Someone who does not recognise that they have an alcohol problem and does not want for themselves to deal with it cannot be helped to deal with it. They cannot be bullied, cajoled, coerced, persuaded, supported, bribed, threatened, begged or convinced to do it. Recovery will only ever happen if the person acknowledges that they have a problem and genuinely wants to overcome it.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ might have some useful information for you.

Ha, the old wedding vows business. I used to subscribe to that once. Don’t be using them to ruin the rest of your life. And your child’s as well. Do you want your dc to be brought up by a drinker? It’s extremely bad for them.
Instead, think about whether your DH is abiding by HIS vows. It doesn’t sound as if he is.

A very useful sentence to think on with respect to alcoholics -

You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can't cure it.

With the emphasis on YOU. It is 100% in your DH's court to sort out. If he can't / wont - staying will blight your life and that of your DC. You may have made vows but your DC didn't. I'm also not a fan of the wedding vows either. I don't believe in walking away at the first disagreement (with the same DP for nearly 40 yrs), but when a spouse's actions begin to adversely effect the mental health of the other spouse or children - it's time to say enough and to step away. You might be lucky and leaving may be just the kick he needs to get on track.

I,for one, wouldn't judge a friend for leaving an alcoholic - it's a grim life with one and you get no thanks from them or children

I don't want dc to experience a broken family

Sorry, which part of the abusive, drunken, dysfunctional family your child is currently living in is not broken?

Your child should come first. Not your desire to play rescuer to someone who doesn't want to be rescued.

Read about developmental trauma. Read about the lifelong difficulties children of alcoholic parents face.

Don't throw your child's life away.

Thank you everyone for your replies. When I get back, I will give him the ultimatum. He is also very close with his own family, I will speak to them too and let them know. Really appreciate your advice.

Good luck OP

I just want to echo the post above by user1965785412 who is, sadly, absolutely correct.

You can only help him if he recognizes that he needs to change. Otherwise you will be literally banging your head against the wall for the next 5/10/15 years