Separation newbie help please: Should abuse be revealed? What is reasonable to ask for in a divorce financially?

[russelhobbs]

I am starting the process of separation after twenty years of marriage. Two teenagers but only one under the age of 18. I am not interested in wrangling every penny I’m entitled to but would like to claim a reasonable amount to keep me and kids living and provided for. All I want is to be separated and I don’t care about exposing what he did and didn’t do. I want an amicable split, so is it OK to not reveal the abuse? Will it disadvantage me in any way? STBXH is on a high income and I was without any income for almost all of our marriage as he wouldn’t let me work. After sixteen years of marriage I finally managed to go out and qualify in a different field, but it’s extremely poorly paid in spite of me being successful at what I do. He earns around 120K I think, but no savings as he likes to spend. House is worth about 600K or 650K, and he has some pensions I think. I’ve been learning stuff about the divorce process and I feel that getting a lawyer will only eat up money that could be useful. STBXH has said he will agree to anything reasonable and not stand in the way. Could you please let me know what I should ask for, and what I should do long term? I understand I can continue to stay in the house, but does that mean he pays the mortgage? How long can that continue though? I understand that I’ll have to get a job for living while doing my work on the side, but even with that I don’t know if I can pay a mortgage/rent, bills etc. I am mid forties so the prime of my life was spent being a housewife while he built his career and was free to work all hours in peace and do tons of overseas travel etc.

50/50 would be a good starting point. You could both be housed for £300k each, plus 50/50 pension share going forward. How much is in the pension?. I know you've lost out being a stay at home mum but your children are older now and by the time it goes to court won't be dependant children anyway so likely won't be factored into negotiations. I doubt that the court will give you more money because you say that he was abusive towards you.

There’s no automatic right to stay in the Giuseppe and usually it would mean you need to be able to take in the mortgage
However it’s possible that due to his high earnings you’d be a turned to spousal maintenance ( even if fir a few years)or him to pay towards that for a while
You should be looking at all
Assets so need to value his pensions too
You’re probably looking somewhere in region of 65% split but only a solicitor will really be able to guide you

Giuseppe?? House!

Lol Giuseppe/House best autocorrect ever!

What are housing costs like for you? Assume a 2 or 3 bed place.

Potentially you could get slightly more as his mortgage earning potential is higher and there is the pension consideration.

Some spousal maybe relevant not unlikely to be more than 3 years and allow you go get back on your feet.

Do you feel he will be open about finances? Mediation might be a way forward but pick wisely someone. Ask anyone in your area that may have been divorced.

Sadly you will have a poorer lifestyle than now but you still have 20 years to rebuild so don't feel to pessimistic.

Abuse isn't relevant unless you have orders than mean he is not allowed to communicate with you.

If you divorce under 2 years then one of you has to file for divorce and include reasons. This is where abuse can be mentioned but it often escalates conflict

If he is ok and agrees to a divorce then I would not cite abuse as this may antagonise him and create a toxic atmosphere and you will lose out financially. It can actually be done online, but I wouldn't advise this as you need proper legal advice. Cost around £500. It's worth looking at it as it shows the paperwork the court needs to file for a quick divorce, rather than waiting 2 and 5 years. So in your witness statement keep it simple, like you haven't shared a bed in 2 years, you don't socialise together, live separate lives, you don't cook or do his washing, he spends every weekend on his hobby, no time as a family for years. You get the idea.

He will not be obliged to pay the mortgage on the existing house, I'm afraid.

Thank you. I'm worried about the living costs, as I think what would happen is that he won't leave (he's already said that he's not leaving till the divorce is final) and we can't leave because of the cost. That's a relief that I don't have to talk about the abuse. I don't know how much his pension is, I have no access to any of his financial information because he just pays me money into my account every month for household expenses. I think I should be speaking to a lawyer, it's so hard at this time, I wish there is support for this. Good to know about spousal maintenance.

@puzzledpiece thank you for your reply, I've just seen it. That's very helpful. I don't particularly want him to pay the mortgage on the house, I would be very happy to move out, just want to be able to be housed SOMEWHERE and wondering how I can afford it.