Child arrangements - thoughts please

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Hi all

Im separated from abusive ex ,(no evidence as never reported) hes a bully & controlling. Ie witholds my ds unless i send him half chb, pays no maintanence if i ask will take ds more :-(

Ds is 3, he goes between our houses & a preschool near me. Is 4/7 with me (tues, thurs,fri, sat) 3/7 exh (sun,mon, weds).
Soon to exh picks him up after work sundays 1845/1900ish, i pick ds up from exh 1830 thurs (as dictated by exh) whenever ds is with me hes in bed by 1900, except thursdays which are frankly a nightmare as exh lets him sleep in the day. I have asked if i can collect him earlier on thursdays, im told no & that im "stealing time" ive asked if he could pick up mon morning instead of sun nights, (he works til 1800 so cant collect earlier) again no, if he does that he wants ds mon-thurs.i think this would be awful & might also effect schools. We live 45 mins from each other & schools are much better where i am, exh chops & changes his mind about this - but thats a whole other thread!
Im thinking of asking for mediation to try to work things out but wonder if its better to wait until ds is at school?
At the min im self isolating with ds (my partner has covid) & ds has been in bed since 1900. Exh is refusing to call or videio call him whilst isolating, its got me thinking & im sad for ds.
Any thoughts on what i should do? Do i leave it for now?

If relevant i earn more than exh although he has lower costs as lives with his dad, ive always paid childcare.

Exh works fri- sun, i work full time mon-fri

Anyone?

Poor you, this sounds really tough. It sounds as though mediation would really benefit you, that is a lot of travelling for a young child to be doing each week. A mediator (or court, if it went that far) would usually suggest that it is better for a child to have one main place of residence, and for that to be with the parent who has historically been the “main” parent.
Your ex sounds awful, and in this case it seems as though getting a cut and dried arrangement sorted ASAP would be really beneficial. Also, have you both looked at the CMS website to see what payments are due with the current arrangement?

Thanks, he is definitely not a nice man, he believes he is main carer as i work full time :-( ive looked at cms website, if i didnt send half chb & claimed cms id be approx 150 pcm better off, (im unsure of his current income so based on 2 years ago). He earns sig less than i do, & threatens to claim spousal support, take ds & part of my pension if i put in a claim :-(

Divorce, cms, contact thru email only. Unless he continues to be a massive twat, then it would be thru a solicitor only. If he continues to harass you call the police.

Get him out of your life. Show him you will no longer tolerate his bullying ways.

Also if there's no child agreement in place you can keep the child till one is sorted thru a solicitor.

Just like he thinks he can bully you. You can legally fight back. Get hold of angry and run with it till you can be hold of strong.
You will thank yourself further down the line.

How though?? Im applying for divorce in nov as 2 years separation, i cant afford an expensive argument.
Should i take action with cms / mediation now or wait til ds is at school ?
If ex takes ds mon-thurs he will not need to pay cms, i will lose ds, he will go to school near exh ... it would be my worst nightmare

@sunshinesheila i dont have grounds to withold contact,

He dosent have grounds to dictate to you what happens tho and he is. This isn't a arrangement you have mutually agreed I take it? It sounds like he has told you and then holds over you that he can change it at the drop of a hat.

Also that 150 quid he's having off you would be better going to a solicitor, get some good advice and start as you mean to go on.

He has to realise that he may have been like that when you were a couple, dictating, making all the decisions and imposing sanctions on you. But things are different now and you won't be putting up with that now.

I know it's hard, feels impossible at times... 2 kids here with two extossers. But the key really is in making them realise very early on that actually they can't bully you any more.

Zero tolerance to any bullshit at all.

I wish i had your strength! It definitely feels impossible right now

It will do. It's all a bloody nightmare, especially when you look at another 15 years ish of it till ds is grown.

Don't see that as something to put you off. See that as in no way am I having him dictating what happens. Surely you have got out of there as you don't want to bring your son up thinking his behaviour is acceptable. It isn't at all.

Surprise him, he thinks he can take the piss out of you. get all the advice you can, most solicitors give a free half a hour.
I booked one of them with every solicitor in town when I got rid of dds dad. That meant I had loads of advice, knew exactly where I stood legally on all fronts. Also just to take the piss I had then made it impossible for him to consult with any of the solicitors I'd seen. So if he wanted one he would have to go out of town. 🤣
Also only communicate by txt/ email. Then if he gets abusive/ threatening you have evidence. This means you can mute notifications on him so you don't have to deal with him immediately and can come back to it when your feeling strong.

Get hold of angry, run with that till your in a safe space to fall apart, hopefully by that point you won't need to fall apart any more and will thank yourself for finding the strength.

Thank you, ive put my big girl pants on & booked mediation...

Well done, have some ideas ready in your mind as to what outcome you will accept
Obviously mediation is designed to make a compromise on both sides. Fair enough, but Don't let him use this as a opportunity to bully you.

Get yourself educated by reading stuff and checking you know where you stand, what would be considered fair etc.

Then when he starts spouting off trying to scare you about what might happen you can know in your mind he is full of shit and trying to intimidate you.

Thank you so much for your support.
Any thoughts what a reasonable split would be?