Ex taking me to court for access

[Crashpad]

Please advise me if you can, I am at my wit's end.

My ex partner and I split up 4 months ago. During that time his behaviour has been extremely unreasonable and he is frequently emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, and if not he will then 'stonewall' me intentionally by stating he does not want to see or speak to me.

He has now approached a mediator as he wants access to our child - except it is him who is refusing access. He will frequently fabricate issues, ending with him not coming to pick up our child, and will just ignore any calls, emails etc. asking him where he is or why.

Although we have mediation, due to his behaviour I feel it is likely he will end up taking me to court for a contact order, and I feel this is just another way to emotionally torment me. I don't know what to do, as I am not refusing access. I have pretty much begged of him to act reasonably, and stressed the effect his attitude towards me and my other children (not his biologically) as well as our child together is having. The mediator said the court won't care, even if I have emails as proof that he simply doesn't turn up and just ignores me.

He has a lot more disposable income than I do. I feel helpless and it is really taking it's toll on my mental health.

Sounds like you need to accept the mediation and say what your terms on him having access are in a calm manner and why. In the meantime speak to a solicitor.

Try not to worry about the next step. Go to mediation and see what he is requesting.

In the meantime document each request, offer or failure to appear through email and follow up with messages. Keep a log.

The courts will review if you have offered access but it doesn't make a difference on what access he gets.

You can self represent in court but don't worry about that until it happens.

What contact has he asked for?

Keep a detailed record of all the times he has not shown up. He'll have a hard time explaining why if he wants access, he doesn't bother to show up.

I think you need to start getting proof of your willingness to have him see the children. Do everything in writing. I don't quite understand this - he's pretending you don't want him to see them yet doesn't turn up and wants mediation but the mediator knows he's doing this and says the court won't care?

Wouldn't the mediator be passing their findings to the court? Don't speak to him and do it all via email.

I'm guessing he was an abusive twat when you were together?

Be aware that apparently 80% of people that go to family court accuse the other of being a psychopath/narcissist (according to a family law barrister we had on here). Stick to the facts abc write it out in a timeline referring to evidence attached.

The courts care about the effect on the children and I guess if he wants to be a total arsdhold he'll start accusing you of parental alienation.

If you can prove its bullshit you might be able to get your court costs paid? By him. Be the one not accusing - be the one presenting blear facts calmly backed up with evidence. Keep a diary/log etc.

Thank you for the replies. Well he claims he wants as much access as possible. Most recently I offered him weekly access (pretty much half of the week), but I made the mistake of asking him not to continue to act in a verbally abusive and hostile way towards me. It is beginning to cause me an immense amount of stress and anxiety just anticipating that I have to speak to him - he treats me like pure shit totally unwarranted. He didn't like it, and then ignored me and didn't turn up. It's typically that I do the 'wrong' thing to annoy him. I feel he is using the system to punish me, on a few occasions he has said his ultimate goal is full custody.

He has since decided that he won't see our child until we have mediation...which I am being forced into. It's just another way of being controlling, although ironically this is what he is accusing me of.

I told the mediator that I am not denying access. This mediator has worked with him before (with his ex!). The mediator said it doesn't matter and the courts don't care...just do I want it to go to court or not.

I am keeping email records that I am offering access, I will take on board just to be calm and straight to the point, sometimes I do get over emotional during our exchanges.

If we go to court do they do police checks? He is capable of putting on a good show, however he assaulted a family member of mine (it wasn't pursued to allow him to keep his job). I am wondering if this will serve as any 'proof' as to how he really is behind closed doors. It is even affecting our child as he often tells me "daddy doesn't like you".

At this point as others have said try to keep all communication in written form. So you have the evidence that you have offered x y z/ whether he accepted /when he didn't turn up.

Cafcass do a police check but I think it mainly checks whether you are danger to the child(ren).

DP had the opposite with his ex. Ex tried claiming DP said they didn't want the children at our house. DP showed message showing it was Ex who told DP the house wasn't an option & that was disproved.
Court took a very dim view of that & couple of other false statements from Ex.
Basically told ex to stop blocking DP & to stop time wasting. (this is from DP & solicitor as obviously I wasn't in the court room).

Ex also refused to attend mediation which didn't go in their favour so I would definitely say do attend. Know exactly what contact time you'd accept split with your ex.
Unfortunately by what you wrote he probably is going to be a pain in the arse & refuse anything you offer just to take you to court. However I'm sure most of the courts take a very dim view of people being awkward for the sake of it (like in our case).

Maybe get a seperate phone just for them & only check it twice a day unless the children or with him?

Your best bet is to get a contact order in place because then you know he must stick to it and not mess you around.

Let him do it. Hes the one that needs to make sure he sticks to it.