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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

My choice to separate but angry and resentful

7 replies

Badcook77 · 24/06/2020 07:49

After agonising over the decision for years I finally ended my marriage in Oct. Initially he moved out but he was constantly saying he would move back, unhappy in his flat, so I took the decision to let him move back and I moved out. So I guess this only started properly in January. It feels that because it was 'my choice' everything should be fine. But I am feeling increasingly angry with the ex as he sits in our lovely house, my oldest daughter (12) is full of hostility towards me and has taken over the role of 'mothering' him, friends have seemed to rally round him as the poor man whose wife has buggered off, I am struggling financially whereas he seems to be buying the kids nice stuff all the time. I feel as if I have had to give up an awful lot to try to be happy and just feel very isolated and lost and lonely. It feels that as this was my choice I have no right to mourn the marriage....but he was a very difficult person to live with and love.....I'm going on! I'm in my head a lot and just feel a bit depressed. How can i let go of this anger and bitterness and how can I move on with the next part of my life...I'm 42 now and feel pretty old and tired!

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Mummymacd · 24/06/2020 08:05

I don’t really have any advice for you as I am going through a separation rather than out the other side. But I didn’t want to read and run.

So sending you a hug and to say you are not alone so don’t feel lonely!!!

Cloverforever · 24/06/2020 08:14

I was the same as you as I left and he had all the money, free time etc. I would advise seeing a solicitor for a free consultation and get the divorce started. It’s hard but once it’s done things will be more equal.

Think about all the things you would like to do, and start doing them. Talk to friends, get some self help books, get outside in this gorgeous weather.

My life is fabulous now, I absolutely love the freedom to live my life as I want, plus I have a lovely boyfriend I fancy the pants off. You will get there too, I promise.

wanderlove · 24/06/2020 12:31

It's hard when you are the one who makes the decision to end the marriage. I think you feel like you have no right to grieve and mourn because you made the decision to end it and therefore you should feel happy. I would give yourself permission to grieve and mourn the relationship--there is a lot of sadness to process when a marriage ends no matter whose decision it is. Accept that you will feel shit for a while (maybe a year of so) and it is part of the process. Don't lose sight of why you made the decision and that you are building a better life but the process is painful. 42 is young....life will cheer up again. See the doctor for anti depressants if your mood remains low to help you.

Badcook77 · 24/06/2020 16:11

Thank you for your kind words...I think I'm missing having someone have my back....sending love right back at you....this is tough!

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3gingerboys · 26/06/2020 21:03

Hi I feel your pain, I am trying to separate but he won't leave and looks like I'll have to sell the house. I've felt so sad today as I just wanted to keep the kids in their home and buy him out, but it's been going on for 18 months and I can't do it anymore. Am terrified of the kids blaming me, believe me I couldn't have done anymore but he's killed the love inside me. Thank you @Cloverforever for giving hope for the future. I'm 43 @Badcook77 been married 20 years and it's so scary! Pm me if you'd like to chat x

DaniChurch · 28/06/2020 08:19

I don’t have any words of advice but I’m going through a really difficult time myself. My divorce has been ongoing for a year and a half and we’ve been to court numerous times. In the last couple of months or so, I’ve felt so overwhelmed by it all and such a heavy heart when I think of my two children. It was my decision to leave the marriage as I was suffocating, my ex is a selfish, narcissistic man. The court awarded him 50% shared care ( he claims he’s always been the main career which is just a joke....I gave up everything to have children and be a stay at home mum) and now he’s alienating them against me. I’m hoping when the divorce is done I can start living again, but until then I feel I’m trapped in limbo.

Badcook77 · 28/06/2020 21:01

I keep describing this period as limbo too. The whole lock down situation hasn't helped...it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed. I hope you can move towards a resolution. I think I spent so l9ng getting to the point where I was ready to leave that I hadn't spent much time planning the next bit.
Hang in there. X

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