Worried about flagging up separation to bank regarding mortgage

[Needsomehelphere]

Very grateful for any advice, sadly I’m guessing I’m not the only person who’s been in this situation.

I met my partner 7 years ago, we aren’t married and have no children. We jointly own a home with a mortgage (at the moment about 50K of equity but prices seem to be on the decline in our area).

Due to serious DV incidents (inflicted by the man I share my home and mortgage with) I’ve developed long term PTSD and am down to two hours sleep a night. This has affected my work and I’m now at the point where I can barely function at all. I have finally woken up to the fact that unless I do what I should have done long ago, I will lose my sanity as well as everything else. We need to separate so I can focus on getting better and rebuild my life.

I spoke to a solicitor who said had we been married, the court would have ruled that I be given the house, due to the severity of the assault and injuries caused.

I desperately want to stay in my home. At present, I do not have the funds (25K at most) to buy him out and I am probably hovering just on or slightly under the level of income required to take on the whole mortgage. Prior to the worst assault my income would have been sufficient to buy the house on my own but due to the lack of sleep and decline in my health my working hours have reduced (I am a contractor but in long-standing work). I am hoping that once he goes I will start to get better and can reach my previous level of income...if I fight tooth and nail to recover, maybe six months.

If I contact the bank now to explain we are separating and ask whether they would transfer the mortgage to me and it transpires my income is too low, can this go against me in any way or cause any potential problems? Or should I wait until I’m certain my income is sufficient. Not knowing is making a very uncertain time all the more so.

Thank you so much for any advice.

Hi OP, it's awful to be worrying about things in the middle of the night. I hope you can get some sleep.

I haven't been in this position but I'm fairly sure that you would do a new application in your name only, rather than asking that bank to transfer the mortgage into your name. They don't need to know details of why you are separating. If you're self employed I think they base an offer on your previous 3 years income, so it may be good to get your accountant to clarify this now rather than waiting, as long as you're sure you can afford the payments.

That probably doesn't answer your question, but it's somewhere to start. Good luck with it! X

Thank you so much for replying...I feel so alone at the moment.
The only good thing about this horrible situation is that when I started contracting I opted to go through an umbrella company rather than be self employed because I didn’t want the hassle of tax returns etc. This means I’m Essentially PAYE but count as zero hours contract and have several years of payslips. I remember when we got this mortgage the bank looked on my employment more favourably than self-employed status but less so that ‘normal’ employment because although working in same job for years, I’m still on a zero hours contract so they only took about 70 percent of my earnings into account. At least it’s something,

I also have a moral dilemma. The person I live with, at one point, when we discussed the separation, said he would gift me his equity (I.e. give me his share) I looked it up online and apparently this is possible. Neither of us put what was glaringly obvious into words ...which is, I presume, he’s saying if I don’t report him for the DV I won’t have to pay him for his share. This is morally wrong isn’t it? I’m so desperate to stay in the little home I love I don’t know what to do. If I buy him out for 25K I’ll probably need another 50 or 60,000 on top of that to increase the deposit on the house in order to get the mortgage.

So sorry you're going through this

Have you spoken to Women's aid or similar?
Has your partner also controlled or tried to control your access to money? Do you have shared finances?
Is your bank account with the same company as your mortgage?

I’ve spoken to DV support and also to victim support and a therapist but not woman’s aid..I’ll give them a call. DV support suggested I go into a refuge however he has agreed to leave and I believe he will.

The mortgage is with same bank I’ve held my current account with for years, he banks elsewhere. Other than the mortgage we have no joint accounts.

As I somehow managed to keep up a little bit of work and had some savings (rapidly being eaten up) I had access to money. I won’t become a liar like him and suggest he financially controlled me however he has watched as my health and sleep have declined since the big attack, knowing my inability to work was his doing and I think, been happy about that, I believe the fact I earned more than him contributed to the assault in the first place, he wasn’t happy about it.

My lovely, I obviously don’t know the situation in all it’s gory detail but:
DV is not normal, you haven’t done anything to deserve it, there is nothing in this world that gives him the right/excuse etc to do this to you, or anybody for that matter.

You can’t believe a word he says. That he won’t do it again, that he’ll gift you the equity, that he’ll move out. He is an abuser, that’s what they do.
Report the DV. If you cover for him, it’ll only make him think there are no repercussions for him, and do it again.
I would speak to a solicitor and a financial advisor. It might be easier to sell and start all over again, without any ties to him.

Buddhaatsea - you are right, I can’t and shouldn’t believe he will gift me the equity. Also, I believe that there is a strong chance he might say in the future that this wasn’t his suggestion, but mine...he could basically accuse me of blackmail! If he lied about the assault he is capable of anything ...he wants to be a normal decent human so badly but I believe going on his past behaviour, he is not wired like one. He is not a brute wearing a wife beater tee-shirt but an outwardly shy retiring person...no one would believe he assaulted me and left me for dead but I do have medical records, the a & e visit will have been noted, visits to gp.

Even if he did gift me the equity the implication that this was in exchange for not reporting the DV could affect any case...I’ve seen other people report abuse, his solicitor would gleefully make a show of the fact I didn’t report the assault until after i had taken funds from him. Unfair but true.

Also, if I accepted - what if he beat someone up again. That would be partly due to me keeping quiet. I don’t believe he would...he is getting on a bit, no longer drinks (partly the cause of the assault) and has given himself a scare by committing a crime he knows he could possibly go to prison for.

But given other factors of my situation, local support, love for my home, my current condition and refusal to lose anything more than I have due to him I want to stay in my home. I will find the money from somewhere and pay him to go.

Even if I have to get a huge loan, beg borrow, at least my conscience will be clear because I believe the gift of equity is either hush money, or worse, an attempt to set me up

He may not have directly financially controlled you but his abuse has significantly impacted your ability to work and therefore to earn an income.

I dont know who you bank with but given that you have been with them I would call and ask to speak to a vulnerable customer specialist/ domestic abuse specialist and explain the situation.

A lot of banks have upped their game recently in helping customers who have been victims of abuse, but I suspect it's not perfect yet. Women's aid/refuge/DV helpline would know better whether your bank is likely to be helpful in this regard.