Head in a mess

[BestDaysAheadOfMe]

This might be long, i had a few drinks tonight so sorry in advance...

Me and dh have decided to divorce- instigated by me and due to long running issues that have over the years. So far we spoke about very amicable split- i buy him out, kids stay with me in family home but he gets to see them as and when he wishes, we can still have family sunday dinners together etc. So far so good.
I have started the divorce talk and he reacted so super calm, he’s actually been texting his friends that he’s getting divorced and that whilst it’s a bit sad, he feels more alive than ever (don’t ask how i know, yes, i’ve been snooping shamelessly). We are 39 (me) and 50(him). Not once he suggested working on things. Some days i feel calm and certain this is the right decision, others i wake up with a feeling of dread. We have 10y/o son and 5 y/o daughter together. I dread that we are fucking them up, both mentally and financially. Then i remind myself that this relationship is their template for relationships and i agonise over which is going to fuck them up more. So here’s a few details...
Dh has been sexually abused as a teen.
We haven’t had sex ever since dd was conceived, 6 years
Closeness, intimacy of any kind is nonexistent
Dh has (and i suspect still does) porn addiction and it’s safer than the real thing hence forced celibacy
Dh doesnt care if i go out and potentially meet other men, he never asks about my nights out with friends. I guess he doesnt care.
Dh was out to strip clubs when our first was born, i went through hell as he was lying. Would just disappear for the night. Didnt help much with the baby, i think i never gotten over that to be honest.
We had 3 attempts with relate, things got better temporarily but reverted to me being ignored soon enough.
I instigated all 3 relate attempts.
He does’t do much around the house.
I work full time, do gardening, housekeeping etc.
He’s been out of work trying to build his own business for a year now. No income so we used up all savings from good days. Unwilling to discuss plan B if business doesnt work out. In fact, there is no plan B. I find it outrageously careless. He thinks i’m unsupportive. He’s got some 30k debt as far as i know, potentially more.
He has a temper, walks around the house having imaginary arguments with people. That creates an atmosphere. Apparently i just cant accept him as he is when i challenge that.
He drinks quite a bit, sometimes he attempts to stop it but usually it’s a few beers or a bottle of wine whilst cooking dinner for us.
No interest in the house unless i push for things to happen, e.g. a lot of things need doing but he just ignores it unless i push.

On the positive side, he wants to be involved with kids even if he shouts too much and too loud.
He is generous with money when he has it
He can cook
He is supportive of my career and gives me time away from kids when i need it
I think underneath it all he’s a good person albeit with a lot of issues and destructive ways of coping

I’m so torn and dead inside. I was calm today until i had a long call with mom. Who, wishing me best, bless her heart, suggested that maybe i should wait till corona and brexit is done. Mused about how it all would affect kids, my son is quite a sensitive sould with a short temper from his dad.
I know there is no one who could tell me how to proceed. And i’m doubting myself, i start thinking that all the negatives above are minor and it’s me being oversensitive. Dunno. That’s why i’m here- i need a reality check. Are the bad things i listed minor and trivial having in mind we have 2 kids?

My mom btw, has similarly unhappy relationship with my dad albeit for different reasons. My dad is showing all traits of Aspergers, never diagnosed and never will be as he’s from generation where these things have no names. My mom suffered and i remember her wanting to leave when i was a teen. He was never that present in my life. I suspect i’m conditioned to accept coldness as that was the template i saw. I’m terrified i will pass it onto my kids as well.

What i’m asking for?... any wise words as i cant be the only one in this situation.

Thank you for getting to the end of this essay..

Anyone?..

Ask yourself is this what you want for your child ? What are they learning watching you together?

I can really hear you. It's too late for me but if I had left when I was your age the kids would have got over it and I would have had the chance for a fresh start.
I stayed for all the usual reasons - best for the children, he's not a bad person, he didn't mean what he said, etc etc.
You are already wrestling with yourself mentally and emotionally - that mind wrenching indecision will not go away, it will get worse until you take action. It seems clear to me. Good luck.

They’re learning there’s no love in committed relationship:( They are too little to comprehend financial advantages...:(

@villageshop, may i ask how old are you? I feel like i’m following my moms footsteps and there’s no happyness there. I feel so old some days...

@villageshop, what’s your story and more importantly, how are your kids if you don’t mind me asking

I relate to the Asperger's detachment too:

'I suspect i’m conditioned to accept coldness as that was the template i saw. '

That really resonates with me. I didn't have that insight when I was your age. It only clicked fairly recently (I'm in my early 60s) and I think the truth only dawned on me as my oestrogen reduced. That might sound odd but I think I had enough emotional ups and downs for the pair of us - now my hormones don't go crazy every month I can see the situation much more rationally, if that makes sense.

Gosh, i see the coldness and detachment as ‘normal’, i guess because of my dad. But then internally i long for connection and it makes me wonder if my ‘normal’ is so far from usual normal... you see i only have my birth family as a reference point and it was defo normal for them. If this is normal, i wonder why i’m feeling so much angst and frustration in my relationship
Is this me, faulty me? If i’m faulty, how can i saccrifice my kids searching for a different more loving model?..

My kids are in their 30s and they're both fine, but neither of them are in a long-term relationship at the moment.

If they were and I had grandchildren I would think I had done the right thing for the long term family unit. But they don't look like they will have children so my staying now seems a bit pointless.

It's good you're aware of possibly falling into the same pattern as your mum - that understanding should help you decide what to do as you plan for the future.

My DD told me she wished I'd left her DF sooner. In her words it's better to not have a dad around and be brought up by a single mum than live in the toxic environment she did for the last 5 years we were still together. They are aware and suffer more than we realise.

Yes, the coldness and detachment was normal for me too. But I used to be forever trying to forge the emotional closeness that I craved but now don't actually think he is or ever was capable of.

I think the angst you are going through sounds similar - because you have a normal healthy need for and are now craving an emotional connection that just isn't there in your relationship.

I don't know you and I might be completely wrong (if so I'm sorry and please ignore me), - it's just what you've said really resonates with me.

Your children will benefit from your happiness.

It will not help them in adult life to see a detrimental relationship as normality.

Be happy. It may take a while before you are but it's worth it and it's a lesson for the DC. They will cope

@villageshop, it’s funny that my older sister is just like your kids- she has no desire to have kids, is in a relationship based on money. She travels the world and on the outside has it all. She was the confident one. I was the less confident (and perhaps less aspergic one) who longed for a fulfilling relationship. But still i didnt manage to escape the template of my parents and that scares me

@stormsurfer, but was your ex abusive/violent? Mine isnt but he creates an atmosphere, a negative one...

@villageshop, i actuallly think you get me quite right. I’m slowly dying inside every day and have been on antidepressants for the past 4 months. I just struggle to see hows that beneficial to my dc.

In fact, i was fairly certain it is not beneficial to them. Until i spoke to my motjer today. I’m telling myself that i’m stronger than her

It sound like your mother would support your decision - it sounds like she wishes she had been brave enough herself. I've got to go now but wish you well. I might disappear entirely because I've realised this might be seen by my H so I might have to delete my account. I'll be back with a different name sometime.

No worries @villageshop, take care of yourself

I'm In a similar position to you op, I'm a mum to 4 aged 13,11,6,3 and we've been
married for 15 years. Dh has a temper too always shouting and screaming, I'm constantly walking on eggshells never knowing what reaction I'll get. He doesn't care if the kids are in the room
When he reacts like this. Sometimes the kids cry while in the room watching him behave like this. But when he's 'normal' he's fine, and the kids love him, he loves them too. He spends all his time off work with us and takes us out too. I've been thinking of leaving for years too, but I feel
Terrible for th kids. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes like you I decide to end things but then start weighing things out to see if it's really that bad. I think I've become use to his behaviour too so i just carry on. The marriage has definitely made me a stronger person but not for the right reasons. Will I end things ? I still don't know and it's definitely deciding hats right for the kids. If I didn't have kids I would leave .

The other thing that worries me is being away from the children, he will definitely want over night stays with them, I've never stayed apart from them and don't know how I will cope.

There is a part of me that will never forgive my mother for not leaving my father and making us suffer his moods and temper. I have never had children but I did have an angry moody husband of my own, as that was normal.

Staying for the children isn't a good thing, it just models poor relationships for them to repeat when they are older.

@BestDaysAheadOfMe he was not physically abusive, but he was cold and detached as you have described. Both my DC have ASD and I suspect my EXH is too, but not diagnosed.

I wasted years trying to get closeness and a relationship that demonstrated empathy and care.

Never happened, I'm sorry to say. And those years wore me down and created a horrible atmosphere in the home.

He is the same with my DC, can't seem to bond with them properly.

The walking on eggshells is very familiar to me. I stayed for all the usual reasons, but in the end it was ruining my health and I couldn't keep going.

Some of the reasons I stayed were actually proven to be very wrong once I left. I felt lonelier in the marriage, trying to chase that connection than I do out of it and single.

I managed financially just fine, turns out he was a disproportionately large proportion of the spending.

My DC are much happier and less anxious as I am happier and less stressed. They cope better with it being dads way when they are with him and Mums way when they are home. And there is a lot to be said for that. I no longer feel any responsibility for trying to help him be a better dad. That's on him. They see him less and less now they are older and can chose.