Is there anyone that thinks my position is wrong on this?

[howdeydudey]

I have 2 children (g10 and b8) and separated from their mother in 2015. I'm very lucky in that we have a shared-care court order stating they are with me 5 nights out of 14 during term times and half of holidays.

However just before the final hearing in 2017 where that order was made, I was taken ill with cancer. This was treated with surgery, but in late 2018 they found it had moved. This was also treated, but at this point I started to ask the kids mother if we could move to 50/50 so the children could spend more time with me.
She actually responded saying that they children shouldn't spend more time with me because "if the worst happened, they would miss me more". I applied to the court and to be honest, I was staggered in the final hearing last October when they decided to make no changes to the current order. I simply can't understand why. I have always been a part of their lives, have always been there, have been involved with the school and extra-curricular activities. I've never been abusive to them, and they love being with me. I live a 5 minute drive from their mother so I could still take them to school etc. And it actually seems that their behaviour and general happiness is better when they are with me than her (she has mentioned at a school meeting that they have issues when they are with her.)

It appears that the cancer has now come back, and in a place where it is not possible to remove with surgery. The reality is that I may not have too many more years with them. I have tried to put myself in the position of a child in this situation and I firmly believe I'd want to spend as much time as possible with my father while he was fit and able to do fun things, and of course if the worst was to happen, I'd want to spend as much time with him before he wasn't around any more.

In fact, I am sure if I ever discovered that my mother had blocked this from happening, I would resent her for it forever.

I've explained this to the children's mother, but she is refusing to even discuss them spending more time with me. So it now looks like returning to court is my only option.

Can anyone provide a solid defence of the mother's position? Or indeed why the courts would be opposed to this?

I guess I'm asking more for court preparation reasons, but of course if anyone has a good argument for why this might be the wrong thing to do for the children, I'd be really interested to hear it so I can consider it.

www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/9-rules-to-make-joint-child-custody-work/

"Generally, mental health practitioners who specialize in development recommend that for younger children, more frequent transitions actually are beneficial," Wasser says. A 2-2-3 plan allows the child to see both parents regularly. As they get older, kids can graduate to a 2-2-5 arrangement. Then, if it's easier, parents can switch to an alternate week plan."

It has its pros and cons like any arrangement, but I think for our children it would work. There wouldn't be long periods away from either parent. The equal time would remove conflicts as neither of us would have a sense of entitlement - something I believe has caused an awful lot of issues so far.

Really sorry for your situation, but my general feeling would be to accept the court decision and try to avoid further conflict if at all possible. BraveGoldie's posts are very good.

I hope this link is helpful:

www.planif.org.uk/home.aspx

The good news: "Studies show that shared-custody situations work best when both parents are cooperative, respectful, agree on shared custody, and manage their emotions,"

That’s from the article you shared. This isn't the case with you and your ex. Quite the opposite by the sounds of it.

I honestly think you're wasting the time you have, Repeatedly saying your children will hate your ex for not agreeing to you having them one extra night a week. They really wont. And how would they know this anyway?

At what point will you be satisfied people are acting for your children? When you get the result you want? A compromise? Or another explanation from the court on why they are leaving it like this?

Honestly, think about what you hope to achieve by continuing to take your ex to court for one extra night. What is happening on that night at your home that is it so beneficial for the children to be with you?

[quote MaybeDoctor]Really sorry for your situation, but my general feeling would be to accept the court decision and try to avoid further conflict if at all possible. BraveGoldie's posts are very good.

I hope this link is helpful:

www.planif.org.uk/home.aspx[/quote]
That's a lovely resource - thank you.

Lorenzo,

I am capable of communicating with the mother in a respectful and cooperative way. She is as well, but only when she doesn't have the option of just doing what she wants.

You seem to be suggesting that rather than attempt to get the best possible outcome for my children, I have to let that go because the mother refuses to do so?

I have given an example of an activity where we never have any disagreement or argument over. It is one that falls on a day we have both always equally shared.

At what point will you be satisfied that yours isn't the only opinion? I've posted this same question on a different site, and the responses were all basically that the mother is totally in the wrong.

I welcome your opinion and thank you for providing some push back the court may have. I appreciate those and will consider them. They may prove very useful in helping to convince the court so thank you.

But please stop trying to change my mind. That wasn't what I requested. I asked for people to disagree so I could prepare for court. I was quite open about that from the first post.

You came back and asked why the court ruled as they did last time. I've given some clear answers and now you move on to something else.

Once your replies turned to name-calling, it appeared to me that you have a personal angle on this. Perhaps you've been on the recieving end of a reverse situation, I don't know.

But also once you turn to calling names, you also lost any credibility to me I'm afraid.

In trying to convince me that you are right, you've actually ignored the people who've said that 50 50 is right. Not as many, I agree.

Apart from you, I don't think one other person has suggested that a child who later discovered their mother had blocked them spending more time with their dying father would be pleased for that. You have made it clear you would. Nobody else has (yet) agreed.

Many have said not to go to court for reasons of my own health etc, or because the process isn't worth the outcome. But none have actually stepped up and said they wouldn't want more time with their father if they were in that position.

And that, to me, is the perfect example of putting the children first. It's doing what I think they would want.

Op what accusations did the mother make about you please?

OP, I'm just feeling emotional today so I'm going all out here:

From what you've said, I really dislike your ex.

Where is her heart?

It's not right or fair or in any way 'in the best interests' of the children regularly to have 7 days without you.

Nor is it fair on you.

I don't know what you did or what she accused you of. I don't know how the court explained their decision.

But while all our times are limited, you v sadly are facing that challenge now, and, as you say, one day she'll be getting 100% time with the children.

Of course it will be v upsetting for the kids to lose you. But her logic of therefore minimising time with you now to hurt them less is very flawed. And yes how could they ever really forgive her.

You should be more with them now. You sound like you can make good arrangements and their life as you say is already set up for this.

How she could make you fight for this now when you're fighting for your life, I don't know. She sounds very cold.

I'm way too soft and warm for that. It always baffles me how some women can be so hard. She probably has a house, is financially sorted and is steaming ahead merrily with life. I on the other hand have lost everything by being too trusting and nice.

So maybe it's better to be like her. And as I say, I don't know what you have if haven't done.

But I feel v sorry for you and your children, OP. Best of luck. 💐

I don’t think you are unreasonable to ask for 50/50 or if a 2-2-3 system works for you great.
However, in answer to your original question, your children’s mother doesn’t want to give up some of her (court ordered) time with her children, this is not manipulative. Like you she will never get this time back, even if one of you has a premature death.
If you now have a terminal diagnosis I suggest you go back to the court to request a review as your situation has changed.
Your children may not ever know their mum has refused you extra time unless someone were to tell them (this would be intentionally cruel).
I’m very sorry you have a poor prognosis and am so sad for your children, I hope you can find a way forward

First, thank you for the positive posts coming through - I know people are split on this and actually the majority of people on this forum don't agree with me. But that is what I asked for - people who didn't agree (despite what a previous poster claims) and I do also understand many of your reasons why - I really do, so thank you for those. The points around whether the children have (or need) one base are valid. The points about whether I will be able to care for them are also valid.

My thoughts are that in our situation, my way of dealing with the chlidren's issues is positive for them. One poster commented that the mother's is where they feel emotionally able to express themselves. This is a point the mother has made. However, both my children have on many occasions expressed such things to me. And we've worked through problems together. I actually think they tend to talk with me more than her, because I give them my opinions and advice but tell them I'm not upset or angry if they choose not to follow them. They talk with me a great deal. We don't have issues now (we did after the separation) because I've worked tirelessly to improve my parenting to the point where they now know I'm there for them. They don't have to please me. I break things down to choices for them, and support them in a making a decision. I genuinely feel the mother puts pressure on them the whole time and that results in them trying to please her.

My current partner, for example, used to tell me that she thought a mother should have more than 50% time with children if the parents separate. Then she met the children and got to spend a lot of time with us, and she now tells me she was wrong, and that she was totally blown away by how happy, confident, open and well they are with me. Meanwhile the mother is stating that our son has "issues" that cause him to follow her around the house hitting her aggressively. I believe he is frustrated around her because he doesn't have the stable base he requires there. That is only my opinion, of course, but it is what I believe.

Bluntness100 I was accused of being violent and then of stalking her. It went to court and I was found unanimously not guilty. The time was living hell for me and my parents. They believe she did it purely to try to have full control over how much time the children spend with me.

mellowww thank you for the kind words. Yes, for me personally having 7 days away from the children every other week is hard. But I never say this to them. I'm really not thinking about myself. I think even if the arrangement was 1 week each rotating, this would be wrong for them. I think that except perhaps for summer holidays, the children should ideally not have this long away from either of us. We live so close, so it isn't necessary.

AndWhat You are probably right - the mother doesn't want to give up some of her time. I understand that the mother will be upset to lose that time. But this isn't about her. It's about what is right for the children. If I have a premature death, the mother does indeed get that time back. It might not be "this" time - but even under my suggestion she is getting 50% of this time. And if I'm not around, she'll get 100% of the time... more than she would ever have expected before I was diagnosed.

I'm fairly sure the children already know that I think the time should be more equal and the mother thinks it should stay the same. The also know when we are going to court - it is almost impossible to keep from them. I tell them that mummy and I both want to do what is right for them, but we don't agree on what is best so we ask the court for help to decide. I don't paint it as some battle with winners or losers. Cafcass have supported this approach when I've talked with them about it. As have the children's school.

But the children already know I feel equal time would be better, and they know that their mother feels the current arrangement is best (although she fought heavily against this in the first court process, so that perhaps suggests she doesn't know what is best for them at all?)

They will work it out. If something happens and I'm not here, they are going to remember that their mother and I disagreed about things. They are also going to know full well that their mother knew I was ill. Heck, if it was me, I'd be angry at my mother for not being the one to suggest equal time - let alone fighting against it. Again, I can only speak my own thoughts...

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

The good news: "Studies show that shared-custody situations work best when both parents are cooperative, respectful, agree on shared custody, and manage their emotions,"

That’s from the article you shared. This isn't the case with you and your ex. Quite the opposite by the sounds of it.

I honestly think you're wasting the time you have, Repeatedly saying your children will hate your ex for not agreeing to you having them one extra night a week. They really wont. And how would they know this anyway?

At what point will you be satisfied people are acting for your children? When you get the result you want? A compromise? Or another explanation from the court on why they are leaving it like this?

Honestly, think about what you hope to achieve by continuing to take your ex to court for one extra night. What is happening on that night at your home that is it so beneficial for the children to be with you?

Lorenzo,

I've explained many, many times - this isn't about 1 extra night or what we would do during that one extra night. It's 52 nights a year extra with someone who might not be around much longer.

You keep stating as a fact that the children won't hate their mother for stopping this extra time, and accusing me of not listening to people who don't agree with me. There are a few people here who have agreed that the children would resent her for this - it is you who appears to be not listening to all views. I know my children well, and even I can't say 100% that they will hate her for it, so you certainly can't say they won't. That is just you expressing your opinion as fact. But if it was me, I would hate her for it. And I believe my children will too. That is my opinion and I'm allowed to have it without feeling guilty for it.

I appreciate your thoughts, comments and opinions. But at what point are you going to accept that I don't agree and your arguments haven't made me feel any different?