Can STBX force me to do this at the moment?

[MexicanOrangeBlossom]

STBX and I split nearly 3 years ago. Children and I live in the FMH.
He's repeatedly refused to discuss the finances and divorce and, to be fair, I haven't pushed hard as he's had some mental health issues in the past.

Suddenly, a couple of weeks ago he started sending solicitors letters demanding we get the finances sorted asap. I previously had all the paperwork ready to go but it's been so long, I have to get up-to-date valuations of pension/house etc.

Even though estate agents are now open to come and value the house, I really don't want people coming into the house at the moment. He also told the children that that's what will be happening and they are quite worried about it.

I suggested we get a video valuation done but he says they won't be able to do an accurate valuation by video (I tend to agree) and he wants it done 'properly'.

He's now saying I'm purposely delaying things but, although things are getting back to normal a bit more, I'm still not comfortable having someone traipsing all over the house and in and out of bedrooms.

Would it be reasonable to say we have to wait at least a few weeks to get the house valued?

Nothings going to have changed in a few weeks

Just get it done

Agree, just get it done.
Shoes left at the door, masks on, hand sanitizers then gloves and get on with it.
It maybe that his mental health is stronger now and he feels he needs to get this done to move forward.
Start looking for what you can afford to move to.
Talk to DC’s as though this is a positive and you can choose your new home together, rather than a negative.

I'm not overly cautious about the risks of the virus but I feel uncomfortable about having strangers in the house this soon but I'm sure they will have safety processes in place.

I guess what I'm really annoyed about is that he's avoided dealing with it for nearly 3 years and now, when I'm WFH and trying to home school 4 children (with no help from him), he's now shouting at me because I haven't sorted everything out within a fortnight.

It doesn't matter why he feels able to do it now, he doesn't have the right to expect me to jump when he says jump.

Still the sooner it happens, the sooner I don't have to deal with him.

Should the valuation not be from the date the marriage ended?

Also, I suspect it's to do with the fact that he's run up a massive amount of debt (again) and he thinks I have money to bail him out (again).

Still rant over, off to do something practical to sort it out.

Thanks

Are you hoping to buy him out? If so, it might not be the estate agents’ valuation you need, but your mortgage company’s.

STBXH got estate agents around to value the house without telling me (nice) but the mortgage company weren’t interested. They base my remortgage offer on their own valuation, which seems to just be based on zoopla or similar (expected rise rather than actual visit).

Have you seen a solicitor? You may not nave to sell the house, so a valuation isn't necessary.

Assuming it is in joint names then you are both entitled to 50%, the numbers don't really matter.

Aslo get the divorce settled first.

Do you think he is all of a sudden desperate for a valuation (having dragged his feet for 3 years) because he thinks the property market is going to tank? I suppose dragging his feet before was beneficial for him, assuming the property would be worth more as time passed.

But now thats likely not the case, and his share of the house could be worth less in the future. So if he gets a valuation now before the real economic impact of the current situation hits, any decrease in value as time passes will be all yours to carry.

That’s what I would be wondering about this sudden change of ‘heart’. And I would not be rushing to do anything before taking advice myself, which could take quite some time to organise.

But maybe your ex is lovely and would never behave like that (mine was not!).

She’ll still need a valuation to understand overall assets available for division

Once they have that ( officially ) they can work on whether it’s to be sold, whether to buy out, what %

I understand that you’re annoyed as he’s dithered and now wants go rush but it sounds like a plan to allow you to move forward and separate your lives properly is a positive one so I’d crack on with it

But you didn’t push for it to be sorted earlier either?

Surely moving forward it’s best to simply get it done. Speaking from bitter experience the longer these things drag on the more complicated they become

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo
Yes, this concerns me too.

I think we will see a 3-5% decrease in the market this year. If I get larger split of the house (likely children with me 100% now) the decrease at the time of sale will affect me far more, especially if my house share is offset against other assets.
If we don’t have to sell this will be mitigated somewhat by (hopefully) the market bouncing back next year.

I don’t think he’s doing it deliberately for that reason though (but may be I’m being an idiot).
He’s quite naïve about finances. This is the third time he’s run up £££££ debts by getting loans to pay off credit cards; credit cards to pay off loans and incurring huge amounts of interest and fees.
He tends not to face up to things until they’re critical and starts yelling we’ve got to do ‘X’ now, not taking in account that ‘A’, ‘B’ or ‘C’ would be better.
I suspect his debt has reached critical and he’s panicking.

No, I didn't push for it to be sorted out earlier, it was an emotionally difficult relationship and I was trying to keep things calm for everyone until he was ready.

He has an extremely avoidant personality and trying to talk about anything at that time led suicide threats, going AWOL, aggressive emotional outbursts when he had the children etc.

Retrospectively, I would have done things differently.

Don’t be rushed, take legal advice and work out what he’s in a hurry for. Has he inherited ( or imminently stands to inherit) money? He won’t want to share with you.Could be many reasons

Have either of you filed for divorce? If you want a divorce, I would use the fact he is pushing on finances to get divorce proceedings started first. Especially if he is getting more and more in debt.

Try rights if women family law helpline.

Have a read of the Family Court without a Lawyer by Lucy Reed, it's very informative. Also the Advice Now guides which you can download.

If you are classed as a key worker at all and you're comfortable with it, maybe think about speaking to the school for the children to go to school a few days a week. Working, home schooling 4 children and dealing with ex, you need a bit of time for yourself.