Telling work

[BestDaysAheadOfMe]

Me and dh are talking amicable divorce after 10 years together, 4.5 married and 2 kids. It’s not a surprise and i asked for it but nonetheless i feel down, there were dreams of future that is not going to happen now. I swing between ok some days and then waking up feeling utter dread on others. I am drinking more than usual. I am less productive at work and just generally feel worthless and faulty. I still need to function as i very much need a job and with redundancies on the horizon i feel a bit anxious. Should i let them know? Should i just soldier on? What do people do when they divorce- is it worth it letting line manager know? Is it better to keep it quiet? What did you do? What is the best way forward with this?

I did for two reasons- 1) if I wasn't quite on my A game I wanted it known there was a reason, and 2) potential issues with childcare. If neither of these had applied I probably wouldn't have.

Reason 1 applies definitely, i am struggling. But on the other hand, i haven’t even filled out divorce papers and it might take a while (waiting out the corona situation) so i don’t want to be a drama queen. Im quite stoic but im struggling

SD, did you have a positive response/ support from work re this?

Sorry you’re going through this, I know how you feel but in my experience it’s better to keep your private life out of work. People in my office didn’t know ExH and I had separated for a good 6 months and then only because it came up in conversation and they were really surprised. They still don’t know we’re actually divorced.

I had some bloody awful days but in some ways work helped me through because nobody knew so I had to just grit my teeth and be normal and at times that was the only normality I had.

The other side of it is that I was worried they’d think I wasn’t up to the job or that my mind wasn’t on it - someone else in the office separated at roughly the same time, she was very open about it and it did feel like people were judging her. It felt a bit tacky to me that she shared all the details but I don’t know if it affected her ability to do her job, it could come across that way though.

Hang in there and hope things get easier for you - good username, keep thinking that way.

AGoodYear, your experience confirms what i’m thinking. I’m not completely falling apart and there’s nothing they can do to fix it so i wonder if there’s a point. I don’t want to be seen as victim/worth pity. There are divorced ppl in the office but i dont want that to be our commpn ground for bonding. I’m more than impending divorce.

Did you have kids and AGoodYear and how are they now?

SD1978, how did it work out for you? Did you have kids and how are they now?
I hate that there are no certainties either way... but i want to be happy and i’m not right now

Yes. They were very supportive, and I made the right decision. I would t expect actual mistakes to be ignored, but I worked in a frontline health position- there were times where I juts needed a bit of consideration and could ask for it without having to explain why every time.

I need to eat a troll! (Apologies it’s all deteriorating here after n glasses of wine, too much of watching Trolls with my 5 year old!)

I didn't tell anyone else- they were colleagues, not friends and didn't need to- if it (eventually) naturally came up in conversation, then I'd say it. Wasn't embarrassed, but also didn't need to advertise.

SD, was it NHS? I spent 10 years working within it and had fab managers but then left in 2018 for private sector and whilst managers are still nice on paper i feel they want stuff devivered...

Did you have kids, mine are 10 and 5, i hope i won’t screw them for life

Yes I have a teen DD, she found it harder in the last few months before we decided to split as the atmosphere here wasn’t great. Once we’d made the break things were easier, she sees her Dad whenever she wants, no formal arrangement, and while it was a bit awkward at first they’re a lot closer now. She genuinely feels we made the best decision and are better off apart.

I’m very lucky she’s come out of it ok, I don’t think there’s ever a right time but her age helped plus the fact we’re still Mum and Dad to her, just in different places. We still share all the important decisions and occasions and she knows she can rely on us both - it’s not always easy to do but if you can stay friendly, even if just for your kids, then it will make things so much better for everyone.

Thank you AGoodYearfortheRoses, i’m lucky in that me and my dh are amicable. I said and he agreed that we are much better friends than husband and wife... i hope we can build on that.
I grew up in a home just like the one im living in at the moment- no love between parents, no intimacy. I remember going to friends houses when young, seeing warm relationship between parents and painfully realising my family wasn’t normal. I don’t want this for my kids. It stays with you. It makes you accept being ignored as a ‘normal’- that’s what i’m going through.
I can break this chain

I told one lady I worked with. A few weeks later she mentioned it to my boss, when I was not there. And that was that.
Everyone was very supportive and still is and I am two years down the line, while my divorce came though earlier this year some parts of the financial order are still in progress, (partly because of covid and lockdown and partly because some of them are just taking a long time ).

Just say something simple and straightforward when you are ready to. Just take one day at a time.

Under normal circumstances, as above, mentioning it if a supportive organisation could be beneficial.

In the current circumstances, I would be concerned that by raising the issue, you're highlighting yourself and could be under additional covert observations and given that redundancy could be commonplace, I'd be wary of doing this.

As harsh as it is, you need to do all you can to get your work back on track so that comparably you are deemed as effective and value for money as your peers.

You already recognise that you are drinking too much and really need to stop this. That could have as much an impact on your children as you believe the lack of warmth is. That in turn may well improve your performance at work which should in many ways be a positive outlet from your home life, if you can manage to "spin it" that way in your mind.

Good luck.

Thank you guys, you helped me to make up my mind. Unless it gets unmanageable (doubt it will get to it) i will soldier on as i’ve always done. Best days are ahead of me

I told my employer. I work remotely. And told my line manager. Who was nothing but supportive. And a real life line.

It knocked me for six and I knew it impacted my work. And I wanted my boss to know in case there was any issues raised. For us there were other issues. With a safe guarding and social services involved so it was complicated for a good year or so.

My two were ten and five at the time and are much more settled and happy children now. Their dad has been around more recently and they don't like it at all. Home is a safe and happy place for them.

I told work and they have been nothing short of brilliant. I find telling others gets easier the more you tell. At first I couldn't tell anyone without breaking down, now it's just a matter of fact.

We separated in January and started divorce proceedings straight away against my wishes. I strongly suspect ow, but time will tell.

Good luck and stay strong x