5 months into separation, struggling to process?

[Mulledmead]

Hi, I have name changed recently, but had some helpful advice previously. Just hoping for a bit of perspective today. Be kind as I am a little bit fragile at times!

Short back story. DH announced he had feelings for someone else about 5 months ago. They kissed. A lot of 'the script' followed. It's been a rollercoaster emotionally, I asked him to leave very soon after he told me as I didn't want him pursuing another woman whilst we were living together. He left without issue. We have been managing the DC well. We are on talking terms.

We have just started the divorce process (in part to get finances sorted as he needs his own place and I can't afford the mortgage alone).

Some days I feel stronger and happier than I have in a long time, but lately I just feel really weird. Should I be fighting more?! I find it so depressing that he hasn't once wavered or tried to save our marriage. We haven't been married long (less than 10 years) we have 2 small DC. I almost feel more insulted that he hasn't shown any regret and is willing to walk away from everything we had (which I thought was actually good- not amazing, but normal, supportive, exhausting life with 2 kids, we didn't argue).

I have also found that I have become quite matter of fact about it all. Like I am lacking in a bit of emotion about it. I can't work out whether I have just put up this huge wall, or whether I have genuinely worked through some of it (I didnhave some counselling early on which was helpful).

He has shown so little respect for me and our marriage vows, and I always knew I had zero tolerance towards cheating. But I can't help wanting him to regret his choices and still want me? How do I work through that? Will that come with time?

5 months is no time at all. Did you talk about Yr marriage together? It sounds as if you needed some couple counselling to resolve these issues.
Do you still love him? Does he still love you?
Separating will take much longer than 5 months. Can you talk to him about this?

Thanks for your message @Ilovetheseventies
He said he 'loved me but wasn't in love withe anymore' I suggested counselling, he refused.
I suggested he distance himself from the ow to give himself time to figure out if that was what he really wanted, but he hasn't (apart from maybe covid impacting on that, but to be honest I haven't asked, and they work together anyway).
I don't know what I think anymore. I had no idea he was unhappy until he left. He was never a talker and it often felt whenever I tried to talk about anything (big or small) it would be shut down by him if he didn't want to talk.
Everyone says don't beg, don't do the pick me dance, but I kind of feel like I haven't fought for it, but then it seems futile as it feels like it would be totally one sided.

We obviously talked once he left, and I tried to make sense of it all.
I just can't help feeling that I have been a bit passive lately. Like I am just letting it happen, because why should I be begging him?

I found myself quite matter of fact about my husband leaving. It was beyond painful but he was clear that he had left and had no interest in counselling. In the very few conversations we have had he was adamant that everything was my fault. He rewrote our history such that he claimed to have been unhappy for years. Odd that he didn't say anything.

The matter of factness might also be part of the grief reaction. It can be a bit like shock and numbness. Grief is complicated because you are not only grieving the loss of a primary relationship but also the loss of the future you had expected together.

I'm about a year ahead of you. Counselling and good friends have helped. Sending virtual and non MN hugs.

Would you honestly be able to trust and forgive him?

Thanks for your comments.

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe no, you're right. I couldn't and my life would be a half life if he did come back and I allowed him back.

@mostlydrinkstea thanks. It's helpful to know that my feelings and thought processes aren't unique. I hate that line about being unhappy for years. It has made me question everything, including my own concept of what is good and normal and my own awareness of myself as a partner. Like why didn't I notice he was unhappy?

I suppose part of my thought process is that in future my DC may ask questions and I don't want them to think I just walked away (and in reading that sentence back i do realise how illogical that is!)

The counselling I had early on was helpful, but I think some more may be in order as I move forward. Can I ask what sort of counsellor you used @mostlydrinkstea? I have been recommended a life coach type person who helped another woman in a similar situation. How do you know they're good?!

I've had psychodynamic psychotherapy but it isn't cheap. The book Runaway Husbands by Vicki Stark has lots of stories by women whose relationships ended in a similar way. That really helped.

@mulledmead I am you but a year on. Ex left about 18 months ago but before he left he stayed in the house for about two months. I spent that two months begging him to stay and asking him what I did wrong. There is absolutely nothing more I could've done to persuade him stay - offered to go to counselling, apologised for everything, said perhaps if he moved out we could start dating again to see if we could get back together, used emotional blackmail (I'm not proud of that).

Nothing I could've said or done would have made him stay. I take responsibility for some of the problems in the marriage but he followed 'the script' and blamed me for everything. He made some quite ridiculous accusations which helped me to realise that his brain wasn't seeing things as they really were and it would be impossible to turn it around. He also did the 'I've been unhappy for years' line (even before we were married!) which I don't believe for a second. Not that it matters. If it's true that he was genuinely unhappy then he should've grown a backbone and told me or left before we got married.

Lots of 'experts' say that 'no contact' is the only way to get someone back and to live your best life so if there is any hope in him coming back your current approach would probably be the most effective, but you've already realised that you could never trust him. I like the part about living your best life and I certainly enjoyed taking up hobbies, losing weight, making new friends last year. I also met a new man and am now in a relationship which I never expected to happen so soon.