Infants and Separation

[Brela]

Hello,

I have come here for some advice and views.

My partner and I have a 9 month old baby and we have split up.

He wants to have her 50/50. He works full time and wants me to drop her off on Thursdays and then he will take her to nursery or a nanny on a Friday then have her the whole weekend every weekend.

I don't work at the moment and luckily don't need to until she is 2.

I am free to take care of her on the Friday. It doesn't sit well with me her going to him to straight to a nursery and I have said I don't want that arrangement.

I feel that she is too young to be moving about so much and then throwing nursery into the mix.

He is a great dad but a very controlling partner which is why I left with the help of a women's charity.

There is so much more to write but I don't want to write an essay and my main question is -

Do you think 50/50 of an infant is fair for
a baby?

It makes me feel sick that he is not taking into account her age and developmental stage but I don't know if I'm being too sensitive.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Besides beesknees, your study was regarding shared care of very young children with different locations/homes it doesn’t show anything about nesting which is shared care in the same location/home.

I think you know the child best.if your child is really attached to you then I'd wait but if the child is fine with other people and not upset then try out day trips for a while and build it up?

I left my ex when my DDs were 5 months old and 3 years old respectively. My ex had always been a very hands on father and wanted 50/50

From when the baby was 1 year old I went back to work Mon- Thursday. We had an agreement whereby the children would be at nursery Mon-Thurs and I would mind the children on Fridays. They would (and still do) stay at their dad’s on Tuesdays and Wednesday nights and most Saturday nights. They have clothes etc at each house. We’ve been doing this for six years now. I hate my ex but this seems to work for everyone.

At the start, the baby obviously was comfortable being anywhere because she was young. The three year old originally did not particularly like going, but when I researched this and what to do, overall the advice was that if the father isn’t violent and there is no risk to the child then the child should go.

Yes that’s true Plan but OP was talking about dropping her baby off, so her ex must be living at a separate address, wanting shared care between their two homes, so he isnt offering nesting.

Bees,

It’s all in the early discussion stages. So your posts are just as pertinent as mine. I agree moving children/baby back and forth is not the best option but that doesn’t mean that the best option is mum has the baby 90% and dad visits for a few hours in Sunday’s because that also results in children that do poorly in school, and are more likely to have antisocial behaviours and mental disorders.

He may not even be aware nesting exists or is an option which has the benefits without the risks of the options above. Nor might the OP. It’s worth looking at as an option that is both 50/50 and beneficial for the baby. It would be very easy to put into place. Just one home for children (one bedroom, one set toys, etc) and a small flat for parents to take turns using. You don’t need two homes with two sets everything like when baby/child moves homes.

Fair enough Plan I see what you mean- hopefully the nesting option is there for OP and baby it sounds much more preferable.

I see what you mean too Bees. You do also have the baby’s best welfare in mind with our suggestions. That’s what is really important in these situations.

*your suggestions

Yes, absolutely. Couldn’t agree more on that Plan.

I don't think it would be advisable to nest with an ex who was controlling and who OP had assistance from women's aid to leave.

Thank you everyone for your replies.
I have thought about all opinions and I can see all points of view.
Nesting couldn't be an option for us due to the fact my flat is 1 hour 30 min from my ex and we have no other way to afford another property for either of us to live in near the other home. Also due to the nature of how the relationship broke down it wouldn't be a good idea for me to move back in while I have responsibility of our baby. He would also never move in to mine as he has lived in his house for 15 years. It sounds lovely but just not feasible for our situation.

My ex has applied to court and started proceedings. My solicitor is shocked by this as we haven't even negotiated anything yet and feels that a court application is premature given that I haven't prevented him seeing our daughter at all since leaving. He has seen her every Friday - Monday since I left or Thursday - Sunday. This was hard in the beginning but she is doing well and seems to be adjusting to moving.

My only reservation is that I feel going to nursery at the age of 9 months and moving from home to home is just a bit too much at the moment for our daughter as I am free to look after her on Friday until I drop her off to my ex.

I don't see why he would think it was in her best interests to be dropped off on Thursday night to then go to nursery for the entirety of Friday.

I have said I have no problem with her going to him when he isn't working and staying longer periods of time for quality time as that is important.

I just don't see how her going to nursery for the whole day while he works and I am
free to look after her is in her best interests.

I am open to people telling me why they think that is a good idea if they feel it is. I just want to understand the reasoning behind this.

For the benefit of doubt I am not taking her to nursery in the time I have her and I am going to socialize with other babies and mothers once lockdown is lifted.

I want us to be amicable and be able to parent well together but I just don't understand why nursery for the full day on fridays would be better than having an available parent look after her considering there is this much upheaval going on in her life.

I am not against nurseries at all and can see the benefits it is purely because of her age and what is going on.

Thanks again for your replies.

My son has done 50 50 since he was 2.5 years old. To be fair its made easier cos we all get on and live 2 mins from each other. He is 10 now so can go between houses easily. We tend to spend time all together at weekends (prior to lockdown) as we all went to his football and ice hockey matches.

I think to start with you both need to think a little longer term. Given you live 1.5 hours away from each other, how will this work when she's at school? Babies and children thrive off consistency, yes co parenting is great, but you should refrain from chopping and changing her routine as she grows.

There is nothing wrong with nursery's though most I know request a minimum of two sessions per week, as young babies loose familiarity quickly and constant resettling isn't good.

Can you not live closer so that shared custody can be better achieved and maintained? When you do go back to work you will need to see her at weekends - and courts like to maintain the status quo if the child is thriving. You really need to think long term and consider the impact of anything you agree to now as if will become harder to undo the longer it is in place x

My ex said to the mediator that he would consider moving as he is the one with a stable career and nearly mortgage free house. He earns over £80,000 a year and would have the means to move.
I am currently living rent free in a house owned by my family and I would not be a financial position to move closer. Unlike my ex I don't have a career to go back to as I left working on yachts (after knowing him for 1 month) to live with him and then got pregnant a a month later.

I didn't have enough time to get myself established back in the Uk before getting pregnant and having a baby.

It seems very naive and I am aware I sound stupid for it going so quickly.

I am just not sure how serious he is about moving closer to be near me as he has lived in his house for 15 years and has a 22 year old daughter in that area.

Unfortunately they don't have the best relationship and he hardly sees her but he still has another daughter that he would have to move from so I'm not sure how serious he is about moving.

The reason why I have said I am fine with every weekend now as I'm not working is because I do believe that he should see our daughter as much as possible when he can.

I know I will go back to work but at the moment my family is helping me and I am able to be a stay at home mum for at least the first 2 years of her life while they support me.

But I do agree, that to make this easier one of us would have to move and I just don't have the means to move.

Thanks for your replies. X

Brela, you sound like such a lovely mum and certainly not stupid or naive in any sense, don’t say that. I hope you get to work these arrangements out in a way that works best for your baby and you.

Thanks BeesElbows xx
Out of interest what do you think was the hardest part for you moving between two homes? I forgot to ask in my previous messages.

I have read that if the parents are amicable then children do a lot better although I still think moving so much is hard but unfortunately that's the situation we are in and I understand that a father has a right as much as a mum to see their child. It's such a sensitive subject and really so different in each situation as each child & parents are different.

Were your parents amicable? Xx

Brela I totally take your point about different families need different things. My parents were very hostile and that made it very difficult especially around the point of swopping over from house to house.
I have heard in published work that amicable adult relationships and living very close by is better for kids in 50/50 arrangements, but my personal view is that any 50/50 time arrangement never gives the child a main home.

So even if all of the relationships were very warm including between the parents, step-parents/new partners and any further children or step siblings (who may get to have a main home while the 50/50 child doesn’t, potentially making the 50/50 child feel somewhat ‘outside’ the family in each home), then you can’t guarantee these good relationships will happen.

Relationships aside it is still very hard on the 50/50 child who is always moving between the two homes, needing to cart their stuff around, getting two sets of everything doesn’t really work lots of things even if it’s even remotely affordable to do. The 50/50 child will still miss their friends back at the other house etc and as they get older two separate sets of friend groups is impossible to maintain.

This is obviously only speaking from my own experience but as it’s perfectly doable for the non resident parent to have a good strong relationship with their child building up over time and to give the child a main home with the other parent. So I find it hard to understand that if there is any alternative option, why 50/50 might be attractive.

BeesElbows

Thank you so much for your reply.
I got a letter from my ex's solicitor and he has now said that as a Compromise to have our daughter every weekend he will agree to Friday - Sunday and not ask for Thursday - Sunday with her going to nursery on Friday's. He said we can talk about weekends if I wanted to do something in a weekend with her then we can discuss things.

I am happy that he has changed his mind and that now means that our daughter will spend 5 nights with me and 2 nights with him. This wasn't my goal to have more time but I just didn't want her going to him to then be out straight into nursery. I'm so glad he has seen that this is not in her best interests seeing as I am willing to take her to him when he isn't working.

When she gets older, starts school and I start work again this will have to be reviewed. But for now I am happy with that.

I agree that 50/50 sounds fair for the parents but I can see not having a base could be very confusing for a child. It's such a hard thing when parents separate. I've never thought about it too much as my parents were together. Going through this has really opened my eyes.
Sorry to hear you had a hard childhood moving in between homes. I totally see why it would have been so difficult.

Thanks again for your advice/input. Xx

It could be worth havjng the requirement to review written in any agreement between you on the grounds that your working circumstances will change next year. You don't want to be left just havjng we after nursery/school during the week.