Attempting to co-parent with shift worker ex

[therearebugsinthepool]

Has anyone had any experience of co-parenting with an ex who works shifts? Briefly, I believe he is a narcissist and it's looking like we are going to have to go down the mediation / court route.

Ex works shifts, he only get 8 weeks in advance. Doesn't share his shifts with me so dictates when he wants DD. If I say no that doesn't work for us then I am 'being unreasonable', or 'blocking contact'.

I was wondering what the courts would say in regards to contact and the fact he works shifts?

Is whatever is agreed in mediation not legal? (That's bad English, sorry!). I've not been through it before so am not sure how it works.

Only if you then take it to court and get it made as a court order

I work shifts. I don't even get 8 weeks ahead and they are pretty much random. The del is I send the rota to my ex and my teenage daughter as soon as I have it. We then work from there. Surely that is the only sensible way to do it?

@Otter71 He refuses to let me know what his rota is as 'it's none of my business' apparently

Mediation isn't binding.

And I personally would go for refusing short notice contact. Keep responding provide rota so that contact can be agreed. Every time. Same statement in every email.
If he doesn't give the rota then he's in effect purposely obstructing his contact.

He has claiming that he doesn't have his rota, only a couple of weeks worth, but I do that is not true (I've been told by someone close to him that he has the full 8 weeks - the type of job he does couldn't be done on a week by week basis too).

So he is saying that I'm the one obstructing contact as I won't agree to short notice!

"I have it on good authority that you receive a full 8 week rota where you work as is industry standard."

Google grey rock technique, don't be afraid of giving the same reply...

Presumably court would want to see evidence of what rota notification he gets, ask your solicitor? Hopefully where he works is large enough to have a HR department so a letter wouldn't be falsified?

I don't yet have a solicitor, I wasn't sure what to do about mediation, court etc. I know this can't continue as I've had 3 years of absolute rubbish from him! Yes his work have a large HR department.

I'll google grey rock, thanks.

Let him drive forward with the mediation, you explain he is abusive etc mediator will state its not appropriate and refer it to court.

Let ex threaten court etc and just reply "yes I agree please go ahead and arrange"

Get solicitor recommendations ask them about their success against emotionally abusive exes in court.

He would be nice as anything if we went to mediation, very understanding etc, when really he is not like that at all with me.

Would I have to have evidence that he's emotionally abusive? It's mostly during a phone call that the real person comes out, although I do have texts where he is being bloody awkward for no apparent reason.

Well no more phone calls. You can explain why you left and on the phone he is abusive and nasty and that he will use mediation against you and won't stick to the agreement anyway.

Him lying about the rota and threatening about money and court is all abuse.

I believe it's just by discussion with you.

If mediator won't sign as mediation unsuitable insist on shuttle mediation so you don't have to discuss face to face with him.

Ask for experiences of being excused from mediation on here, not done it myself as my ex was reasonable and not abusive!

@RandomMess Thank you, I will do, I literally don't know where to start with it all

OP I asked for shuttle mediation (where the mediator sees you one at a time) when I needed to go to mediation prior to applying to court. The mediator at my MIAM asked why so I told her about his 'my way or no way' attitude, the vile emails he'd sent etc. She then said we weren't suitable for mediation and we went to court. Which was the result I wanted (he was an arse and needed the court's boot up his backside to do anything).

But you could have shuttle mediation and then you are free to speak frankly with the mediator.