Is this normal in a relationship?

[Crismaple]

I simply dont know whats normal in a relationship anymore, so I feel the need to calibrate it.

My husband is a fine man, he does what he can for the house and family etc...
The problem is, his mind is never present, its either busy thinking about work or thinking about his mum's needs (he has a manipulative mother that he tries to please and appease).

• I miss having a companion to enjoy a conversation or a drink, do you have it with your husband or does this vanish with parenthood?

He is not interested in what I have to say, he doesn’t engage with conversations with me and he is not like that when with his friends—he makes the effort, the conversations are a lot more interesting. With me I hardly ever get to know what he is watching, what he is reading, hardly know about what’s he is working on. Our conversations are a to do list, very practical and uninteresting.

There are so many times I am speaking to him, he doesn’t answer, then I bring that to his attention and he says “I’m thinking” but never get back to continue the conversation.

I miss having someone that is interested in what I have to say, that is more able to share what they are into. Sometimes we would watch a film together and he would not say a word, discuss, comment etc…

I used to long for his companionship, but suddenly I kind of shut that door down. Now even if he is available I don’t fancy his company anymore, I actually enjoy the fact he can’t be around so much, as he is working a lot. But I miss having someone else to feel that void.

DH is the only earner and I’ve been a staying home mum for the past 6 years and I’m desperate to go back to work. He keeps saying how hard it will be for the family two working parents, how bad for the children etc… At the same time he says, I should start earning my own money and he believes i should have my career back. Since the Lockdown started, his work got super busy, starting early morning and evenings of ‘please don’t interrupt me time’. And now I have all the childcare/homeschooling duties and am finding very hard to see how I will turn this around—I was interviewing for work just before the lockdown. There’s always some emergency from his work or family and I end up living in his shadow.

When I brought this conversation up with him, he was in shock as if never noticed what I was going through. He cries, he says he loves me and that he has got a lot on at work/responsibilities etc… finding it hard to be fully present in mind.

After I brought it up, he tries to make up conversations with me, but it feels so dummy, forced to address the problem. It doesn’t flow.

If I’m honest with my self, I really wanted to try my chance and find someone who would be present in the relationship, but having two children and feeling sorry for how DH will cope holds me back.
Am I deluded, is that what happens to relationship after kids? Or should I be brave and get on with separation?

I don't think it sounds terribly abnormal at all. I think this does happen with work and children. I was a SAHM until my youngest son started school. I work full time now. With work and children day to day life is a constant juggling act. Maybe a date night or a night out without the kids would be good for you? If you have family nearby they could help out.

Does sound like when his mother demands he jumps though, possibly he ought to put down some boundaries where she is concerned. She should really be helping you out, not you helping her out if she is fit and healthy.

Been there done that. Whether he has all these stresses or not he should engage with you. I think you may find this is just him. When the dust has settled this is what you are married to
My DH was exactly the same. Only read on holiday and not discussed. Wouldn't discuss a film, how he felt. Never shared his music. Ie he would buy a cd he wouldn't say I really like this I'd just find it.
Didn't talk about his feelings after he'd hooked me in.
As things progressed played on his phone, watched hours of telly.
One night we had a drink we rarely drunk and he had nothing to say
I fantasised about meeting a man who wanted to discuss life have conversations engage and that's what happened.
Good luck

oh @llovetheseneties, thanks for your reply, I can instantly connect with you and feel your pain! Did you stick around this marriage? Are you still together? Did you regret sticking around?

It can be such a lonely relationship!

sending my love to you

You have just described my relationship up till a year and a half ago.
My husband worked from home and I was a stay a home mum, but for the last few years, since my youngest started at school, I wanted to go back to work part time. My husband opposed this and as the director of his company (even though I didn’t work for him), he said I couldn’t work because of that. I started a college course but then he said it was eating up too much of my time (one day a week) and I was loosing focus on the household chores and kids! His mother came and went as she pleased and I felt like the third person in the marriage. He started going to bed when I’d put the children to bed and I felt so lonely sitting on my own night after night. We tried marriage counselling but he didn’t want to do it after a few sessions. He stopped socialising. I’m pretty certain he tracked me when I went out.
I couldn’t breathe anymore. After a couple of years of counselling I asked for a divorce. It’s difficult and I couldn’t have done it without the support of my family. He’s made it so hard at every turn, but I don’t miss him one bit and however hard, I know I’m better off without him. I think I knew deep down what I had to do but it’s still the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

What i hear that there is little connection between the 2 of you. I get you. I’m in the same position. DH can talk at lenght about job and technical issues (we work in the same field) but that is not enough. Number of times i remember sitting with him in a pub/ restaurant in the past and realising he has nothing to connect through other than work. No interest in me as person.
So whilst your relationship doesnt sound shokingly bad i see what is missing- connection between you two.
I’m divorcing dh because of that and a few more long standing issues. I believe that strong and happy relationhips do have that connection. And i hope to find it one day.