AIBU to think ex shouldn’t have moved to girlfriend’s during lockdown?

[Doughnut123]

Hello everyone. Hope you’re well.
My ex husband lives near my children and I and normally sees them one evening a week for tea and has them to stay every other weekend. I have 2 teenagers and an older one at uni.
He recently got a new girlfriend in the West Country and went to stay with her the day before lockdown started. We had already been advised not to travel, so that made me cross, as I thought he was being irresponsible. Then lockdown happened the next day, so, of course, he had to stay put, to reduce the risk of spreading the virus.
So, my children are all with me. My oldest one came back from uni and it just doesn’t seem fair that he just went off and did as he liked, while his children have had to cope with not being able to see their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends and haven’t been able to see him either. He calls them every week and there’s the odd message ,I think, but that’s it. It feels like he’s washed his hands of them.
He also hasn’t been giving any extra money to cover the cost of looking after my eldest.He just pays for her uni accommodation, but nothing else. He doesn’t compensate me for the extra cost of caring for our children either-for the evenings and weekends when he would have cared for them.
He came to take them to stay with him and new GF at the weekend( as lockdown allows separated parents to see their children),but he will be going back to his GF for the foreseeable future. He is talking of maybe seeing them every 3 weeks.
I feel he’s being very selfish.
I am alone in all of this. No family support, so it’s hard. One of my children is struggling with mental illness and I have depression, so it’s exhausting trying to keep everyone going.
I feel he should have stayed here and been here for his children. I had banned them from seeing their boyfriends/friends, so it was very under mining for him to just go and move in with his new GF. He could have helped his children through this, by being in the same boat, talking on FaceTime to his GF like they are, being there for them to stay with and distract.
I divorced him, so I’m not jealous, just think he’s being a selfish twat 🙄.
Thank you xx

He's allowed to move in with his gf or vice versa so they are the same household. So that part is absolutely none of your business.

Your children are teenagers and a young adult so need to speak up for themselves on what they need from their father.

If your ex thinks it is a risk having the children more often at the moment, then he's allowed to have them less. There are guidelines from the head judge of family court on this. However as the children are teenagers anyway then it's up to them how often they see their father. They need to directly ask him themselves to stay with him more.

In regards to your eldest the law is a mess. Children over 18 are adults by law even though adult students rely on their parents. Your ex is actually out of pocket as he is paying for your eldest's accommodation and it is empty. It is up to your eldest to ask their dad, your ex, for any money they need Your ex is not legally obliged to give it.

Oh and if your eldest decided to move in with their partner as they are an adult they can to be in the same household. They don't need your permission.

You are being unreasonable I think

Why shouldn’t they move in together ?

Why shouldn't he move in with his girlfriend. We were allowed to do this to form the same household. If he owes money for child maintenance that's separate. And yes if he owes it he should pay it.

I think YABU , have you actually asked him to increase his monetary contribution at the moment .

I’m also wondering why they shouldn’t move in together, apart from the distance. He hasn’t done anything wrong there.

You say he is communicating with the dc so he’s not totally cut them off. He is supporting them, from affair.

Have you asked him for more support, either financially or emotionally. Have you explained how you would like him to visit the children more?

How are the children coping? As they are teens and at uni, they should be able to understand that these are strange times.

The main conclusion I’ve got is that you are generally struggling. Are there any support groups you can reach out to locally who can help you? Can you FaceTime family and friends also, to give you support. I find doing a weekly quiz with some friends is supportive for me, as you laugh and joke with them, like in normal times.

You don't think him paying her rent is enough?
She and you had the option of her staying or moving in with you. The two of you made that decision independent of him. It's not his problem.

How old are your other children?

Thanks for your thoughts. I don’t object to him moving in with his GF, that’s his business. It’s just that our child needs a lot of support with her mental health-it’s deteriorated a lot since lockdown and she needs him as well as me. I have talked to him and he’s not very supportive. I’m having to pay for counselling for her, which is expensive. I’ve asked him if he can contribute, but he refuses.
I have no supportive family and although I have friends, I don’t want to burden them. It’s a difficult time for everyone.
My younger 2 are 17.
I am struggling, Standrewsschool.
My depression makes it hard to reach out to people. I isolate myself a lot, which I know isn’t good. I just feel so alone, dealing with a very difficult situation.

OP now you are divorced your health concerns are none of his business and vice versa. You need to get support for yourself including talking to some of your friends. Your friends can't provide you with practical help but maybe able to listen. Also as a PP said get outside help.

If your ex is in communication with all the children due the fact they are an adult and nearly adults they have to ask him directly for what they want. It isn't your job anymore.

Also be aware once the younger two hit 18 your ex will completely stop communicating with you simply because all your children are adults and he can just communicate them directly.

I think you need to seek support from your friends and family. I can't see he's doing very much here to warrant your accusations.

He's done nothing wrong sorry you control control him sorry .
He pays her rent I think that is a big contribution .

I'm sorry you're feeling let down- but one child is an adult and at 17 the other two will also shortly be adults. Continuing on with a visitation schedule at 17/18 is highly unusual- the kids can juts phone and arrange to see their dad surely? I'm sure it's harder for them now he's moved further away, and that is tough, but they shouldn't be on a che duke- maybe get them to talk to their dad about visiting more?

Is she paying rent at uni this term? if not , or at least not the full amount, could you ask for a contribution. She presumably had her maintenance loan as usual.

Oh OP. I can understand why you’re feeling as you are but unfortunately, given the ages of your children, the visitations and sharing of parenting concerning your ex is no longer what it would be expected if the children were younger, as well, you can’t make someone take more part in their children’s lives. Your ex has moved on geographically, mentally, emotionally.

Yes, the parenting continues as does financial burden. But it’s no longer the Legal responsibility of your ex. It’s a tough pill to swallow and as a PP pointed out, when the youngest become 18, your ex does not have to even communicate with you.

These are tough times. Unprecedented for all of us. So many are having a hard time. Please reach out to friends. Please also reach out to your GP practice. There are things in place to help give you and your daughter help - you need to accept it.

You should adjust your child maintenance order to reflect how infrequently he now has your children. If he's opted out of seeing his children so he could move in with his girlfriend, that's pretty poor.

Thank you everyone. My oldest is having her uni rent paid by her dad , which I know is good of him. I could ask her to contribute some money for her upkeep. The court order ruled that he should pay maintenance until our children are 18. He does pay what he should now, though the child maintenance service had to get involved because he wasn’t paying enough-he earns a fortune.
I have had help from my doctor, am on anti depressants and have had lots of counselling. It’s just hard coping with a child who has a serious mental illness, when you have one yourself. My health is not my ex’s concern, but his daughter’s is.
I do try to reach out to friends, but quite often I get no response.
It’s a really tough time for everyone, I know.

Do you have to have private counselling for your DD?
Can't she have counselling on the NHS?

She has had help from the NHS, but they’ve discharged her from CAHMS now, when she really needed a lot more support.They’re so overwhelmed, that they can’t help everyone. Waiting lists for counselling are really long and then it’s not always that helpful.

You are in a difficult position but trying to ring faults with your ex is not going to help.

Is the issue affecting your depression to do with the divorce and struggling to move and accepting his met someone he is now committing to?

How much maintenance does he pay? If it is a significant amount it would be reasonable to consider it includes his contribution to her counselling sessions.

What more would he do if he was local? He is seeing them now, just not as often. It is not ideal, but at their age, he has a right to move on.

I completely agree with most posters here.

Your children have reached a point in their lives where 1 is an adult and the other 2 are only 1 year away from that.

You need to understand and accept that at this point, your input into his relationship with his (adult) children will be severed. You will no longer have any control or say in that.

Your ex has done nothing wrong by moving in with his partner. Hes actually paying more than he needs to for uni too so I dont think it's fair for you to complain when hes clearly paying a lot of expense without issue.

I'm amazed that at 17 your kids have such a rigid visitation schedule with their dad. I think you need to realise this will also change as they grow older. It already seems to be doing so.

I think you've reached a point now where you need to let go of any control issues you have over your ex and understand his relationship with his kids will move forward without your involvement.

I moved in with dp in similar circumstances. My kids are adults, their boyfriends are both living at my house as of lockdown! He's entitled to his new life, lockdown is tricky for us all

Your kids are much older, one an adult. You are being unreasonable. It seems slightly controlling. You need to let go.