Separating and divorcing abusive DH

[BraverThanYouBel1eve]

Please help me to clarify and prioritise steps I need to go through to separate and eventually divorce my abusive DH. Abuse is mostly verbal and emotional but quite severe. On the physical side, he is physically aggressive breaking things but hasn't been aggressive towards me (i.e. directed at me) except one instance of non-consensual sex (he disputes this - he was drunk and doesn't remember things the same way I do). There were numerous attempts from both of us to save the relationship, including counselling, but in the past two years the episodes confirmed to me that this behaviour is not only damaging to me but also to children; we have two teenagers.

Immediate steps I think I need to focus on:

• create support group for me and inform them of what is going on, this will be my mum, and three local friends, they already know but I will update them on my plans and ask for support;
• call women's aid to report abuse (one incident happened yesterday and lots of historic ones);
• see a family law solicitor;
• get a legal separation.

My finances are ok, and separate from his (no joint account etc). I am scared that separation will trigger the next anger episode. He will be determined to make my life hell and will aim for full custody.

I have been on mumsnet for many years, this is a new username due to the potentially explosive situation. Thanks. Even writing this down helps, as those who've been through this probably know.

Keep a log of all incidents every day. It's very time consuming but essential.

The question that mainly bothers me now is this: if we legally separate, what can I reasonably do to get him to leave the house, given that he doesn't see why he should.

Thank you northerngal1982

See a solicitor to see if you have grounds for getting a non molestation order and occupation order

One more question. Where in the process do you tell children about separation? It's too early now, of course, but when is the earliest sensible opportunity?

I didn't have a choice my ex told them near enough straight away when we had decided to separate. I think once you have decided who is going and staying would be best as they want to know where they will live.

@BraverThanYouBel1eve. My ex was abusive mainly financial to the tune of £20000 and once she was violent towards me leaving me with a black eye. I left the house in September 2018 and since then the abuse has been ignored and forgotten by both the police and the banks.
Now all of a sudden I'm a liar. Please please understand if you leave that house you hand him the power and unless the abuse has been officially recorded so its on his record the police won't support you.
It's very hard to gather support and virtually impossible to get your house back unless you have thousands to fight him in court. I have a photograph of my black eye and bank statements showing the financial abuse but no one listens.
Good luck. Keep posting on her if you make any progress as I'll be following with interest

To put your mind at rest - unless your children have severe special needs it is up to them which parent they decide to live with as they are teenagers. So if one or both decide to live with you or vice versa, as long as they are adequately housed then neither SS or the Courts will intervene.

Also be aware if your children are teenagers your husband may drag out the divorce until the youngest is 18 as then he can argue that you need less financially from the marital pot as the children won't need to be housed.

Thanks everyone, reached some form of verbal agreement with my husband about the divorce, financial and child arrangements so hopefully will be able to move on soon-ish (several months to a year I think). We separated within the house for now which allows me to sleep better. National domestic abuse helpline was great and I later reported the incident to the police too, it all gave me more strength than I ever had before. Called a solicitor. All very draining and anxiety-inducing and I am still afraid that the abuse will continue post divorce but can see no way back. Friends have been beyond helpful, wouldn't have done it without their support. Threats to take away children continue but I am coping with it better now as I don't think they are credible.

Well I'm glad you had more help from the police then me. West Mercia police in Telford gave me absolutely zero help.