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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Facing divorce. Need to retrain.

18 replies

ScaredandUnderconfident · 15/05/2020 17:35

So I think I have to divorce my h. I feel pretty desperate and upset but I believe it's the right thing to do.

I think he's having an affair. He's constantly provoking rows over nothing.

Besides, there's lots of other unacceptable behaviour.

I know he will shaft me financially. And as the result, our dcs.

I have been a SAHM for most of our marriage. 5 dcs. Youngest is 7. I'm now 49.

What can I do to retrain so that I can support myself and my dcs?

I know it's how long is a piece of string question but any inspiration would really help me.

I have an English degree and worked on direct marketing for the third sector. I didn't like that work really so am looking for spending different.

I guess I'm panicking a bit. I've contacted a solicitor for advice but I can't just sit and let things happen to me anymore.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2020 17:40

No advice on retraining but the settlement you get isn’t up to him. I’d see or speak to the solicitor, give them as much info as you can on your housing situation, debt, savings, pensions etc and see what they think then go from there. You will need to work but depending on when you want to leave you might be better getting any job then thinking about retraining than the other way around. Don’t get a job yet.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 15/05/2020 17:45

Google civil service jobs and register on there for vacancies. Just for any job that you can do (as an easy starting point).

Also the National Careers Service has a lot of stuff online like this:
nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/skills-assessment
and you can chat to a careers adviser too.

Original poster
ScaredandUnderconfident · 15/05/2020 17:54

Don't get a job yet? Until the divorce is done?

I've contacted a solicitor this evening. Damn the weekend.

It's mental torture having a conversation with him.

OP posts:
Bubbletrouble43 · 15/05/2020 17:56

My friend who is in her late 40s and has a maths degree recently retrained and now teaches core maths to gcse strugglers and other related subjects at a college and loves it. AFAIK she was paid a teaching asst wage as she trained. Your English degree may be a good pathway to teaching literacy in a similar setting or to adults?

Bubbletrouble43 · 15/05/2020 17:57

Plus she has all school hols off, as a single mum that is a good set up.

BlueJava · 15/05/2020 18:01

What about Project Management? Pays quite well in IT and you need PM and organisation skills, not necessary IT skills beyod using a computer.

Original poster
ScaredandUnderconfident · 15/05/2020 18:05

I'm so worried the dcs and I are going to be destitute.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaredandUnderconfident · 15/05/2020 18:08

I also feel like I'm being played.

He is aggressive and hostile and is picking arguments.

But then he message me saying he wants to make things work and makes helpful suggestions like I should go on anti depressants, have therapy and we should have sex counselling.

So on paper, the evidence is that he's trying really hard to make things work. Who lost in reality, he's being absolutely vile.

We can't even have a phone conversation without him saying I am rude and insensitive and putting the phone down on me.

So I am really anxious he's setting me up. He's got everything primed and ready. He's just provoking me into seeking a divorce. Which is fine but as he's a solicitor himself, makes me really worried we are going to find ourselves in a very bad place.

OP posts:
Peeeas · 15/05/2020 18:22

Conduct (playing nice etc) is completely irrelevant when it comes to financial settlement on divorce.

Starting point is 50:50 split of capital assets, though if you have the 5 dcs the majority of the time, then you may be viewed as needing more (larger proportion) for housing.

I'd start to compile details of your capital assets, and find docs like your marriage certificate.

RandomMess · 15/05/2020 18:29

What you need is recommendations for a shit hot lawyer, one with good proven outcomes etc.

Remember you have sacrificed your earning potential to support his career. How long have you been married including any years you co-habited before marriage?

Original poster
ScaredandUnderconfident · 15/05/2020 18:45

We e been living together since 2001 and married since 2004.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/05/2020 18:51

Well after a 20 year marriage your contribution to his career will need to be recognised...

If you can get hold of his pension info too.

I wonder if there is OW lined up and he just wants to discredit any accusations that he was having an affair... you know so he doesn't have to admit he's been a snake and the reason the marriage failed.

sawdustformypony · 16/05/2020 17:40

I wonder if there is OW lined up and he just wants to discredit any accusations that he was having an affair... you know so he doesn't have to admit he's been a snake and the reason the marriage failed.

He need not bother as the Courts simply aren't interested in any of that.

RandomMess · 16/05/2020 17:43

Indeed courts aren't interested but he may wish to present his family and friends with a "story" to make op evil and him a blameless saint that didn't cheat...

BuffaloCauliflower · 16/05/2020 17:44

Bless you this sounds like a shitty situation. Definitely get a shit hot lawyer and gather any financial evidence you can. Do you know what he earns/your general financial situation? In a situation like this it’s more clear cut that you’ve looked after the home facilitating his career and you’ve been together a long time, though you may still have a fight on your hands

wanderlove · 21/05/2020 20:59

I would concentrate on the split first and make sure you have everything you need to get a fair share.

I'm an English teacher and I love my job. It's hard work but very rewarding. There is a lot of variety as it is a core subject so we have tutors who come in and work one to one, I know people who have gone into prison teaching. There is lots of variety. You can teach Emglishbto foreign students at university too. I'm not sure of the exact funding but you can get a pgce partly funded by bursary.

karma1979 · 22/05/2020 15:48

Depending on his salary you could get spousal maintenance for some time to allow you to retrain. To give benefit of my situation. Married 19 years, 2 D.C. not worked outside home for 12 years since first D.C. but have set up and managed his company... which is now going to stop for obvious reasons! My solicitor advised 4-7 years SM and am getting 4. He can say whatever he wants but he's just being a bully and don't let him wear you down. Stay strong and don't be rushed into making any decisions- esp in the current climate.

user1497873278 · 23/05/2020 12:49

ScaredandUnderconfident I’m going through the same as you I have a call from a solicitor on Tuesday I’m 50 sahm and have a 6 year old plus 4 grown up children been together over 32 years I can’t live like this any longer, being in lockdown with his controlling behaviour has pushed me to be brave enough to start the process. He’s having none of it life is hell at moment. Im terrified of life on my own been with him since I was 17 but I have no life really so I must do this. Wanting him to change, hoping one day he will say sorry for the way he treats me is never going to happen I have faced reality

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