Their father keeping hold of 300,000euros of money

[SeaEagleFeather]

Asking for advice because I just don't know how to handle it with the kids.

The short and simplified version is that the children's father was lent 300,000 and is now claiming it was a gift. Due to an aspect of dutch divorce law that I didn't know at the time, we won't be able to go to court :s

Right now I'm not saying anything to the children but the time will come that I have to. Either he will start the injured innocence act and I am -not- keeping my mouth shut any longer, or else in 10 years' time I'll have to tell the older one as he'll be an adult, various facts will come to light at that point and it will affect how he sees his dad.

How have other parents handled it when it's come to light that their ex has kept a huge amount of money that wasn't meant for him?

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Repay your portion of the loan and leave his liability for his portion with him. It's sad, but you and your children should not pay twice over.

You can't shield your children from their father's shitty actions, nor should you. Keep it factual and unemotional when the issues arises (preferably when they are older!) and let them draw their own conclusions. Making out he is all sweetness and light will be doing them (and you) a disservice. Your kids are going to find out about the tooth fairy, Santa Claus and politician's promises. Why should their Dad be exempt?

Agreed I don't want to pretend. I found out a few things after childhood about my father that I'd rather not have had as a surprise.

I could bloody kill him right now but the key is to remain calm and unemotional isnt it. Hopefully nothing will be let slip from grandpa or I in the near future until a bit more time has passed.

I totally understand how this could be very difficult and emotional for you.

However, I'm not sure what your children have to do with this. Why do you need to tell them anything? It affects them in no way?

technically it doenst affect them that much at this moment, except that the previously civil relationship with their father just isn't possible any more. I can't even look at him since he started claiming the money was a 'gift'.

But at school/family events which we will both have to attend, he is more than capable of discussing money and lecturing people about it and telling me to be more careful with it. Right now I'm going to have a lot of trouble keeping my mouth shut and I genuinely do not know how to handle it. Keeping silent while he keeps on like this is covering up for him. At the same time I do not want to have the kids find out in the middle of a school fair or similar.

I just wonder how others have handled this sort of situation, I'm certain a fair few other parents have had to.

It is shit and I'm sorry for you but please don't tell ever tell your children it is not fair on them and will impact on them at whatever age.

I am sorry, but I believe telling in an age appropriate way. Eldest is aware something is wrong.
Just tell him you and his father have different opinions on what some things mean and it has changed how you feel about their Dad as a person.
It does not change the fact that you both love DC very much.

^I am sorry, but I believe telling in an age appropriate way. Eldest is aware something is wrong.
Just tell him you and his father have different opinions on what some things mean and it has changed how you feel about their Dad as a person.
It does not change the fact that you both love DC very much.^

Thank you. I'll do this. This is perfect, specially the phrasing "your father and I have different opinions on what some things mean" and "both of us love you very much".

He does love them and is involved, although he's clueless.

Good luck 💐

I’d also be totally honest starting from now - the children need it.
They know when they’re being told the truth

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