Please can you list reasons why you left Yr DH

[Ilovetheseventies]

It's two yrs today since I left my DH.
I wanted to list the main reasons why I couldn't be with him anymore. I only seem to remember the good times. So I wanted to list why and I'd like to hear why you left yours. I think most of you may have better reasons.

My DH never spent any time with his children. I have two boys and a girl. He would never take them out by himself. It was either me or all of us. He was often away on diving trips, weekends away when they were young. I didn't mind him going away but not when the children were so young it was bloody hard work and I felt he was midding out on time with them.
I used to work nights so he would go away for the weekend he would come back Sunday night then I'd go and do a night shift. I can't believe that now.
One time he left me with a 5 day old baby, a 2 Yr old a 3 and a half Yr old to go away for a weekend when he was on paternity leave!! His work paid him to be off that week. Maybe he considered the weekend his time off! I was worried about coping and when I got upset he just left. I was tired, breast feeding wasn't going well. I feel embarrassed but it was my neighbour who saw me crying as I was sitting in the lounge. And asked if I needed anything.
My DH was constantly on his phone from when he got up to when he went to bed. He would sit and watch telly and be on his phone. He watched telly constantly too. He had no other interests. He did do a photography course but his phone occupied his life, playing on games such as candy crush for hours. It displaced other activities.
He never discussed how he felt. He never asked how I was. I had to do all of the emotional stuff for the whole family. He may have when we first started dating though. He never had much of a conversation with me about much. Yes he was a quiet person but if for example he liked some music or a film he wouldn't share it with me. Most chat was very superficial.
He became more emotionally unavailable as time went by. He walked out of the room when I was crying after my mum had died. I had been nursing her until she passed away.
Everything seemed to go wrong for him and I supported him through things.
He had a back injury he got the sack I just felt it wasn't reciprocated.
We didn't argue, he steered away from any discussions. He would never bring up any issues ever so if I did get upset I had the problem.
He changed even more after a diving incident he became more and more distant I had got him to go to GP but when they referred him to MH he never followed it up when he didn't get an appointment.
When I said I wasn't happy he agreed to go for counselling I paid for initial appointment he got wrong date and never bothered to re book.
Having said all of this we were together for 18 years. He was easy to be with in some ways. Great with money worked hard not a wife beater or an adulterer.
He was dependable. He was a good provider. I felt initially he was there for me.
He was kind in lots of ways. I still love him. Of course I don't have his side of the story as he was very passive aggressive so I never got any feed back on how perhaps my behaviour affected how he was with me. After trying to go for counselling we had an argument and I said I needed to talk and I was asked what there was to talk about. I do still miss him. Still to this day we have not had any meaningful conversations. I've said sorry so many times. When I said it wasn't working he said he agreed so I asked when he was going to tell me then?
But still at times I feel sad about the way things worked out and that we are no longer a family. No one is perfect.

You poor love - I'm surprised you put up with him for as long as you did.
He was emotionally unavailable and selfish. He was not what you needed. Writing this out has focused the mind I expect - now, if you so wish, you will know to look for the opposite in future relationships. Getting stuck or romanticising the past is quite normal but not good for healing. I say this with love because I do it too. Had you thought about seeing a divorce coach? It might help you to let go of all the pain.

I've just seen your other thread before I saw this one.

He sounds awful. You deserve much better than having to put up with him every day and it would have only gotten worse as the children grew up.

You absolutely need to work on loving and valuing yourself more. Not being a bad person isn't enough for a marriage, you need to be kind and loving too and from what you have written, he clearly, clearly wasn't.

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad; these sound very valid reasons for leaving. No wonder you were unhappy.

My reasons for leaving are very similar. My DP was great in the beginning; fun, caring, successful career etc. Looking back, there were probably warning signs I missed.

As soon as I moved in, the mask started slipping & the selfish, disrespectful behaviour started. Lots of passive aggression, not able to communicate clearly & honestly.

I should have run for this hills at this point, but I had committed & moved away from my support network.

He contributed so little over the years, just immersing himself in work & cherry-picking the nice parts of parenthood eg coming home just in time for bedtime stories after I'd slogged all day at work, plus dome dinner & bath. I was run ragged.

And then the mental health issues, which he had never told me about until 5 years in to our relationship. He had multiple job losses, time off sick, we had huge financial difficulties which put me under greater strain.

And then I found out he'd had an affair in the past.

I had counselling on my own - I would highly recommend it, OP, if you haven't already. For me it was life-changing. Horrible to discover I had co-dependant traits, and he was quite far along the narcissist spectrum. It helped me understand why I put up with all the crap.

I just couldn't do it any more
& told him.

The separation is ongoing but I have no doubts I have done the right thing.

You have done amazingly well to come through this. You are worth more.

Thank you everyone. Glass of prosecco Yr situation sounded terrible. I'm glad you feel you've done the right thing.
I did have counselling but I think a divorce coach sounds better, you need to find the right person
I think I was probably too eager to please. I found a love letter from when we first met, my son asked to read it there wasn't anything in it I didn't think was inappropriate. He said I find it hard to believe dad wrote that!
His parents have nothing to do with me which probably gives you an insight into my DH and his upbringing. I'm no longer required.!
Anyway thanks for your kind words. I could feel myself getting worked up about the 2 Yr anniversary and had all kinds of emotions but they have ebbed away and I'm thinking of the positives.
I have my own place, a nice car, 2 cats. I see my children regularly. My DS lives with me.
My 2 sons who live with him are constantly coming out with things he has said and it's funny so there's a good side to this.
I think the main point about any relationship is that you want what's best for the other person, I think that's a good gauge? If that's what you wanted which I know I did then there's really nothing I should feel guilty about.
I'm glad this week has come and gone and I feel better. I think the guilt is all to do with not thinking more of myself to leave.

Mine were really simple:

• alcohol
• alcohol

Oh, and did I mention alcohol?

Before he lost his mum, he was a lovely man, a good father, the person I wanted to grow old with. When his mum died, he dove into the bottle and never came out. He knew alcoholism was an issue in his family, but in the end it got him.

He became neglectful, opted out of family life, constantly criticised the DDs (who did nothing worse than occasionally saying 'fuck' and standing up for themselves), did zero housework despite both of us working full time and drank, drank, drank. He eventually became emotionally abusive against DD2. I took too long to take measures because I kept hoping he'd hit rock bottom, get sober and I'd get the man I married back.

I slung him out after he threatened to kill me. 8 months later he was dead. Life is infinitely better without him, but a part of me is still sad about what he did to himself. At least I know he did it to himself and it was nothing I did.

I inherited everything - a mortgage free house, all his savings, two life insurance policies. We are financially very comfortable and life is good. It's still sad.

Gosh pointy things.
Did he drink much before becoming an alcoholic? Something like that is a deal breaker. I can understand why you took a while before throwing him out. It's amazing how people can change so much from when you first knew them. I'm glad you're happy now. You see in Yr case you can visibly see what he was doing. Even when I talk about how things were it just doesn't seem to hold as much validity as yours probably because my situation was far more subtle
I think something happened to DHs brain after his diving incident. Ptsd maybe as he said he felt devoid of any emotions.
So whether psychological or physiological I'm not sure.

He liked a drink. He was ex US air force, and that's a hard drinking culture. But I liked a drink too.

What changed was the paths we took. When.I realised he was drinking far too much, I also realised I could do with cutting down, though I wasn't in his league. So I cut down drastically and felt infinitely better. He didn't like that at all, called me out on it, tried to tempt me into my old habits. That stopped when he realised it was serious. The rest is history.

When it doesn't have an obvious physical cause (though my H's alcohol addiction was also tied up with low self esteem, rigid thinking and constant low level depression), it's much harder. PTSD is incredibly damaging.

What remains the same is that the person with the problem needs to take responsibility for dealing with it - when they won't or can't, relationships end.

I suppose that's it about drinking. You can be exposed to a drinking culture can't you? In a nursing going out partying I drunk a fair bit but now yrs later I'm lucky if I drink a bottle of wine a yr. Imagine him not liking you cutting back on drink. I suppose if you are drunk together you're on the same wave length!

If you aren't drinking alone, you can fool yourself that you don't have a problem. I found the same with my mum, who became an alcoholic after my dad died - she'd get really irritable with me when I wouldn't have a drink at hers. Incidentally alcohol killed her too, indirectly. I do still drink, but very moderately. My DDs don't touch it at all - fortunately it's now becoming pretty normal not to drink even at uni.

I could have written this post. This is how im living rn deciding how to get out. They do all the things your DH did.

That story about him going away for the weekend leaving you with a 5 day old baby and a 2yo and a 3yo is unbelievable OP! What a selfish twat