Two yrs since separating and it feels awful.

[Ilovetheseventies]

I separated from my DH two yrs ago tomorrow and it feels as if it's just happened. I just feel so sad.
Despite counselling I still feel so guilty as I instigated the split. I can't seem to move on. I'm just hoping someone will say something that will click and make me see things differently.
I'm hoping in a couple of days I will feel better and it's just the date that's bringing up these emotions.

Sorry you haven't had a response. Although this is the right place to post, it doesn't get as much traffic.

Some dates will bring stronger feelings, that's normal. Plus we're in lockdown which intensifies everything and can give you far too much time to think and wonder about what might have been.

If you really feel like you can't move on, counselling can help. Until then, writing down why you split up may help you remember how it was and why you made the right choice.

Thank you. Yes I think you saw the other post. And yes writing it down only to myself helped! These things take alot of time I am realising.

Sorry you're finding it tough. It's understandable though

I still feel guilty for instigating the split with my ex12+ years ago. We weren't even married & though we'd been together a long time I think I felt like a failure. I still loved him, he was & is a great guy but I knew we weren't right together even though we fit in a lot of ways & had an almost shared mindset over lots of things from being together.

Have either of you moved on to dating or other partners? Have you children?

If you could write your ideal future & design the person you'd ideally be with-is it him? If not then you've done the right thing & you're being good to help your future self by not settling. Hope you feel more positive soon

He is onto woman number 7 I think. I've met someone who is polar opposite to my DH. Very nice and we do loads together. Due to the lock down I've got some space I'm glad I'm not seeing him as its been nice to just grieve on my own.
I don't think I should have married my exDH but that's all well and good in hindsight.
He started off loving but that was just a hook I think.
I don't really see my future with anyone such as living together it just seems too much.
I just want to be happy which I am most of the time.

Hi, I know/knew how you feel completely. I've been separated 6 years, divorced 5. After 2 years I still felt very, very wobbly and my friends thought I might never get on with life. It will get better in time. I decided not to look for a new partner, and so I haven't been able to avoid my feelings. I decided to adopt instead! 😀
6 years on and it was my ex husband's birthday the other day (we have no contact) - only in the evening, despite a boring day on lockdown, did I realise the reason the date rang a bell. And when I realised, I genuinely didn't care. I am happy nearly all the time.
I'm actually happy that my life is different from what I planned originally, and that's coming from someone who took divorce very, very badly! I have completely stopped feeling guilty for my part in it, hating his part in it and now finally introduce myself as single before I eventually mention that I'm divorced.

Take care

That's really refreshing to hear. Adopting sounds like a lovely idea. I love children mine are at the grumpy teenage stage.
I think it will take time. A few days ago I was thinking I've made the biggest mistake of my life, why did I do it. Now I feel the opposite it's crazy how Yr emotions are.
I've got tactics in place now particularly with the lock down.
One hr xercising daily whatever that entails. Trying not to be hard on myself. Was it you who decided to have no contact? I think I could actually get on pretty well with my exDH but I just don't think he can accept things.

They all sound good plans, keep them going even when you feel fine! Lockdown has made people with the most 'perfect' of lives think about things a lot - doing your thinking when out exercising and feeling good can only be a good thing. I think all the different emotions are there for such a long time because very few divorces are simple, and even marriages that are now over make up a huge part of our lives and we have so many memories mixed up with our present lives.

No, at first it wasn't me that initiated no contact, but now I'm very much the driver of that and hard as it has been was the only way forward.

Good luck with those lovely grumpies!

What do you mean by I just don't think he can accept things OP? It sounds like you've both moved on - what do you miss? Is it because you have to co-parent?

I miss the family unit. He's just v unaccomodating. Before lock down if my DD went with him to his parents he would want me to drive to his to collect her when my place is on his way home. Things like that. Ignoring messages about children. Sometimes he's fine, other days he just looks full of contempt for me.

Your last post is something you should use as a reminder of why you are no longer together...

That said, some dates are just hard. I still can't do December 28th (the day I got the police to move him out because he threatened to kill me) or August the 2nd (the day I got the call from the police telling me he was dead). I'm 2 years on too and it's still hard.

Yes two years isn't very long is it? It's the lead up to the dates which are so difficult. I happen to ask my DD if her dad had been in touch since lock down as she lives with me. He hasn't messaged her or anything which I just find bizarre. Typical though.
I hope things get easier for you pointy things.
Interestingly enough I happened to mention a couple of things my DH did to a close colleague and she just looked at me blankly. My conclusion some are putting up with similar treatment.

It's a long process. I don't actually miss him at all - the good man I married was long gone and the emotionally abusive alcoholic was someone I was glad to see the back of. But I'm sad that he let it come to that no matter what I tried to do (he tried nothing) and I'm sad that I stayed long enough to cause serious damage to my DDs, who are both still in therapy aged 17 and 19.

On the other hand our lives are good now. We live in a calm, happy house, we are financially secure because he left a lot of money and we are incredibly close. We will survive. So will you.

You will get over it. I was in a state of turmoil for 3.5 years after splitting from my exH - we'd been together such a long time. I thought I'd never get over it and it was like a key turning, releasing me, when it finally happened. A year on, no looking back. I am in a good place. I truly think it just takes a significant amount of time. Just believe that you will - I wish I'd known that.