So I sent this message to my husband. I can't put it any clearer than this all I receive is 'OK' as a response. I feel so alone.
Aren't you fed up of pointing fingers and finding someone to blame. I known I am. I don't know who is to blame for this mess, most likely both of us. All I do know is that at times I am so incredibly unhappy. I hate how life can be at the moment. There are times when I see tiny glimmers of hope, but there are times when the things you say to me make me hate myself so much it is physically painful. And I can't live like that.
This is what you get with me. The good, the bad and the downright miserable. Except the only times I feel miserable, is when we are arguing, or you are calling me names. I want this to work. All I have ever wanted in my life is a family, and a quiet life. I don't want to be rich, just comfortable and happy. I don't want to throw that away. But I cannot live like this any more. The ups the downs. It's just one long emotional rollercoaster, but I can never predict what is going to happen next. It's just stressful. When I say that I can't do this any more, I don't say it lightly, because that would mean throwing everything we have worked for away. I so wanted to do so much more with you. More than anything else. I wanted to go on adventures, I wanted to sit in pub beer gardens, I wanted another child, I wanted to grow old with you. It is not just a snap thought that makes me want to throw that away. But I cannot live like this.
The reality is, at times this situation makes me despise myself. Makes me doubt I am a good person. Make me doubt everything I tenuously though I knew about myself. I am emotional, but I thought I was strong. I am argumentative, but I thought I was kind. I am moody at times, but I thought I was also generous. I don't believe any of those things any more. I worry I'm a narcissist, I worry I'm uncaring, I worry I'm unkind, I worry I am a bad mother, I worry I'm incapable, I worry Isla will grow up to hate me, I worry I don't pull my weight, I worry I'm too emotional, too easy to tears, too selfish, thoughtless, self centred. And deep deep deep deep down, I know I'm not, I'm just a human, who makes mistakes but tries bloody hard. But that gets harder and harder to remember. And all I am left with is that I'm a failure.