I've made a new account as this is going to get really personal (I need to write it down and post it somewhere as I need to look at it in writing), I'm also not looking for pity or police help as we're not in immediate danger. But I do need advice! This is very hard for me to write too so please be kind is all I ask :)
Trigger warning ⚠️
I've been with my husband since I was 21 so it's very difficult to accept I need to leave, he has slowly been chipping away at me for the last 7 years and I now am a shell of my former self. He started with little things like telling me what to wear and it's turned in to full blown gas lighting and financial abuse with social isolation on top. I also think there is some sexual abuse in there too as he's brow beaten me in to it several times and gets angry if he doesn't get sex daily (also constantly talks about it in an obsessive way)
He constantly picks on my appearance and encourages me to eat even when I'm not hungry getting angry at me for not wanting it or wanting to loose weight. I was size 8 when I met him I'm now 5 stone heavier and don't even know what size I am as I buy baggy to hide my self away.
He also controls everything he needs to know where I am what I'm doing and who I'm with. He then gets angry if the answer is something different to what I had planned in advance which has led to me lying and hiding things from him.
Which when he finds out I've lied he looses it.
With money all the bills are in my name except the mortgage which is joint but I pay because "he paid the deposit" I've paid more than double off the capital then he put down in deposit now so I think I've paid my share.
He likes to know what everything costs and refuses to buy things that cost more than a ridiculously low price he has come up with. And when I call him out on it he throws the whole list of things he has bought in my face. (he bought us a car in September and that is now the good deed of the century in his eyes) but I tell him we need things like baby gates and he goes "well the people at work say they don't use baby gates" he always pulls it back to other people say this so we're not going to.
Next is gas lighting he has made out I'm a hypochondriac and even went as far as to say I have Munchaussen by proxy for worrying about our baby. This became a catalyst last week when DD had a fever of 38.5 and obviously being in a pandemic I was really worried this was also her first fever and first real illness (she's 8 months old) I did as you should called 111 who told us to isolate for 2 weeks and sign posted to the GP so I followed their protocol and arranged for her to be seen in their special isolation room. Well he went mad, saying I shouldn't have taken her to the GP (as if I'd just rocked up in reception with a sick baby in a pandemic) then said "you're over reacting this is the 5th time you've thought she has Corona" (I haven't thought that once i don't think that's what she's had recently or even I'm just alert to the situation so followed the guidelines for someone having a fever) and he refused to isolate. So off he's gone to work in an office which when it's at capacity holds 10s of thousands of people...this is now the straw that's broken the camels back and I'm done! I just don't know how to get out with out a huge explosion.
(There is so much more than all of this and a lot I don't remember but he's been slowly chipping away at me since 2013)
So if anyone has been here I would appreciate some advice and positive stories as to how you escaped and how you're doing now.
I'm currently re doing my degree and aiming to start a proper career in 2 years so I'm so scared how I will cope financially I have an amazing family and a potentially empty house I can move in to (my parents don't live together because they get on better like that but are willing to try for me) or I can just move in with one of them too. (Writing that makes me seam so selfish for not packing a bag and going right now I know how lucky I am to have them)
If you've read this far thank you I know that was a lot and it's quite heavy! 💗💗