I don't know what to do

[seaswimming]

We've been married for 18 years, 3 children who are 15, 12 and 9. I've been unhappy for years and thought about leaving hundreds of times. Husband had difficult upbringing (which he blames for everything).

Although he can be kind and considerate and funny and is certainly an attentive father, he has always been quick to anger and shouts and says horrible things. He will also, even when something is seemingly resolved, go on and on about it in what I think is a way to make me feel guilty enough if I haven't seemed so initially.

Everything is taken totally personally and everything viewed in light of how it affects him and also contradictory - he's been angry at me before when I've backed him up telling off a child - I'm implying he can't deal with it but also angry if I stay out of it as I'm not backing him up.
He runs his own business and seems to always need to work until the point that the children are ready for bed (not so much now but when younger and more hard work!) and then miraculously finished to enjoy the evening, Same at weekends if not much going on he disappears to work. If I challenge he gets angry that I'm 'accusing him of lying / making it up'. He does lie a lot but I think convinces himself that he is telling the truth. It was the same on rare occasions I was going out and needed him back at X time he would always be a bit late so I never had time to get ready and would be late leaving.

There's a lot more but this is long enough already.

After a huge argument a couple of years ago when I said I was leaving, he said he would change and to be fair he has got a lot better and has definitely been trying. Still some blow ups though and 'tantrums' over ridiculous things - .e.g. had a go at me for putting a wash on before his clothes (that he was still wearing) were in it - 'making him not feel part of the family!' (wash was full hence not waiting)

However, I can't get the feeling back and don't want to be together any more. He is really angry with me as wanted to go to counselling and I've said no - I just want out. He's now saying this is all my fault, not what he wants and I've caused it all and breaking up the family. I feel I've compromised my happiness for years already and counselling is not going to sort it out but then on the other hand - he's not awful compared to some on here, maybe I should just compromise for the sake of keeping the family together.

He's also furious about the money - I've always worked but part time and he's made various comments over the years about how he's paid for / provided everything and now is saying he won't let me 'fuck him over' and he'll put the house in children's names etc. I'm looking for somewhere to move to as he won't move out (plus his business is based here) but no idea what will happen long term. It's also not really possible to move out now but he's had a go at me today saying he hates me and just wants me to fuck off and why am I expecting him to sort it all out (I'm not but can't view flats now)

I don't know what I'm asking really. I haven't spoken to a soul in real life about this as don't want anybody to know before the children (I know he has told people, no doubt blaming me for everything). I just feel so lost and alone and doubting my decision. He told me that I'm 'ripping this family apart and devastating this children for my little vanity project' and am now wondering if he's right. I really don't know what to do.

Just wanted to say this is all very familiar and I really feel for you. You sound deeply unhappy so I think you need to trust your gut. I'm not in a great place just now - or in any way qualified to advise - but my situation was/ is v similar - only I'm a year down the line. I would say 2 things 1) you can apply online for the divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. It's surprisingly straight forward and if he doesn't obstruct you can propel things forward to Decree Nisi fairly quickly with minimal cost. 2) be prepared for the likely fallout of you taking this step - he sounds very similar to my stbx and he's made my life hell at times. Blocked and obstructed just about everything he can. And they can. I've been shocked at how one party can derail the whole thing so blatantly post Nisi. So you need to be really prepared for this and feeling strong enough to stand your ground. Do you have good support? Also ask for recommendations for solicitors but be prepared for the costs involved. It's eye watering. They are still working though so you should be able to get some initial free advice. Def. don't move out or agree anything until you've spoken to someone as it could prejudice a settlement. Trust your gut though. They say you don't properly know someone until you divorce them and whilst the last year has been awful, I know, without a shadow of a doubt that getting through this divorce is my only option for a peaceful future. On my better days pre lockdown it felt almost liberating - the thought I can finally make my own decisions unencumbered by someone who is so controlling, negative and thinks so little of me. Wishing you lots and of luck. Stay strong. X

I need some help being alone. It is day 2 of being alone after 16years or marriage. The split wasn’t my choice and I have never felt so alone and low than I do right now. Covid lockdown makes it so much worse.
I’ve thought of all the things I should do, find a hobby, exercise, clean the house etc but right now I am struggling to breathe and can’t concentrate on anything long enough to actually do a task.
I am so scared
Please help

Take one day at a time. One day you will be fine and the next day feel horrid. Time makes it better but in the meantime you just cope with it in bite size pieces. Nothing wrong in crying and feeling low but try not to dwell there. I remember the first day I woke up and the first thing on my mind wasn't my wife that was the first sign I was making progress. Dont do anything on his day so either, its about you now. Stay safe

Hi @IslaHall17
I am so sorry, life can be incredibly cruel sometimes, and a global pandemic is like a cherry on top!
Just try and do a day at a time, that's all anyone can do right now anyway. Maybe see it as an opportunity to think about how you want your life to look, once this time is over and life returns to normal, and it will and it will be better, so plan how you will make the most of it.
Even though you think that time will never come, it will, just breathe and take baby steps..change is good, even when it feels like s**t!

Momentum thanks so much for your reply and helpful post. I haven’t spoken to anybody about this and have been feeling horribly lonely and your reply made a big difference to me. He has calmed down a lot and we’ve been talking so am hoping we can at least be reasonably amicable. Thank you.

Hi

My husband walked out beginning of April, apparently it’s not my fault he said but his reasons are: he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t emotionally connect with me anymore and doesn’t find me physically or sexually attractive. This was all after I looked after for him as he had to self-isolate with virus symptoms. He’s left me to look after our two children since then he has become nasty on the phone towards me so we are on email basis and he refers to his children as your kids. He’s visited since a couple of times to see the girls, pick up his stuff and if I ask him if he’s changed his mind he laughs and says nah. He used to be such a lovely family man who loved me like nothing else. The shock of his behaviour treating me like I’m nothing is so hurtful. He’s packed his family in for a job and spending time having a laugh with his work friends. He wouldn’t have the job if I hadn’t given up my career to look after our children. He wants an instant separation and divorce. He’s annoyed because I said he’s still married to me till divorce and has to abide by his vows. He’s already letting down the kids by cancelling out visits and I’m still stupidly heartbroken when I want to be angry to get in and do what I need to do. Treating me and his kids in lockdown like this I definitely won’t take him back. All I can say is he didn’t care one bit how the children and I felt when we tried to make him realise he’s been cruel and seems emotionally dead inside however what he doesn’t realise that during lockdown he’s missed seeing his kids grow, develop and learn. All they want is to spend time with him and he’s too stupid to have realised that. I know it will get better in the end, and he will get his karma. I just had no idea it was going to happen and thought that it maybe useful for you to know there’s another mum going through it too. I’m taking one step at a time and for once putting me before him and looking after myself. Before I always had the kids and him as priority and would not treat my set to anything, but now it’s the kids I put first and me. I’m determined to let this be my moment where I change my life and make it better than it was before in every way possible.

He has destroyed your marriage OF and he knows it. He is reflecting his anger with himself onto you. You will be much happier on your own. Don't let him stiff you though out of guilt or whatever. You are entitled to half of everything. Make sure you get it. I cannot emphasise this enough.
Poverty can be a very real thing after divorce.

Thank you for your support. Anyone who I have told has had the complete shock reaction to which has been quite horrifying to see. There were no warnings, I’ve done everything for that man his family are in complete shock as well as my own too. He’s got away with behaving and leaving exactly how he’s wanted and refuses to discuss anything about us or sorting anything whilst he’s happy doing whatever he is and left us still self isolating and coping with getting stuff and homeschooling. I’m not going to let him get away with everything. He can think he’s in control and able to treat us terribly to feel better about what he’s doing refusing to acknowledge how selfish he’s being, but I’m going to do everything I can to make this not easy for him and get what the children and I deserve to be able to get through this. He can’t afford to do this anyway, so we will carry on Taking each day as it comes with baby steps and see what happens.