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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Ex trying to dictate who kids see

14 replies

Floatonby · 23/04/2020 10:55

My ex has raised in mediation that he doesn't want my partner to be involved with the kids. I am thinking that I can't be dictated to about this? Why would he think he gets a say in who I bring around the girls? I don't understand why he is saying this? We have been separated over a year

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 23/04/2020 10:58

He can voice his opinion, doesn't mean to say that's what will happen. Ask him how he'd feel if you said any new partner he may have cannot have anything to do with the children.

Otter71 · 23/04/2020 11:23

He can ask to be told about a new introduction first and ask that it not be until you have been with them for say 6 months or so but past that I am surprised the mediator didn't question that at least...

pooopypants · 23/04/2020 11:34

How long have you been with your partner?

Original poster
Floatonby · 01/05/2020 15:59

Over 6 months

OP posts:
LovingLola · 01/05/2020 16:01

When did you separate?
What age are your children?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2020 16:03

What's his argument?

Techway · 01/05/2020 16:07

How old are the children? Generally advice is to wait for longer especially if divorce still going through as children and yourself have upheavals. Lots of post divorce relationships don't work out so worth being cautious.

Also feedback I have heard is that children can feel lower priority if a parent rushes introductions with new partner. In a new relationship we all tend to act differently and this is difficult for children as it is a different dynamic for them.

That said your ex can't control who you see on your time but there is no need to rush. I would get the divorce agree and see how you feel afterwards.

CaptainCarp · 01/05/2020 16:11

Because lots of seperated parents (both rp & nrp) still try to control their ex partner in this way.
I can guarantee that if he got a new partner he wouldn't stick to this rule. My DP had the same with his ex. Moaned I was introduced for a couple of hours (after a year of going out) but their new partner was introduced within a few weeks & were staying over as well. They broke up within 6 months.

I personally wouldn't introduce someone I'd known for under 6 months or at keep it very informal. It would be polite to mention it to the other parent so they aren't bulldozed by sudden mentions of a new gf /bf by the DCs but not essential.

He can't dictate it to you as you can't dictate to him and don't agree to it.

Mikki2019 · 01/05/2020 16:13

So annoying ! My ex is trying to now dictate to me about lockdown - they are fkn annoying

peakygal · 01/05/2020 16:14

Hey can if he has genuine concerns over who is around his kids but he can't just make up reasons

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 01/05/2020 16:16

What I would do is nod and smile and make non committal noises that sounded like you were taking on board everything he was saying without verbally agreeing to anything and then do exactly as you like.

I would also consider whether I was introducing a new partner too early for my children.

NorthernSpirit · 02/05/2020 12:55

He gets no say in how your parent and who you have around the kids.

Just like you can’t dictate to him.

My OH’s EW tried to dictate and withheld contact because ‘her’ children were being introduced to a woman (me) she didn’t know.

They had been divorced over 3 years and we had dated for 9 months.

She was given a stern talking to by a judge and told the father could introduce the kids to who he felt fit.

Techway · 02/05/2020 13:03

Yes some partners continue to control post separation but that shouldn't discount the genuinely concerned parent.

The op is in a new relationship and still at mediation stage so I don't think its unreasonable to delay introducing new partners as long as it applies to both parties and there is an agreed timeline.

OP, why not suggest a mutual ban on introductions until a date such as when divorce agreed or a year, which ever is sooner. If you are in mediation then you should be able to get this drawn up.

Also enjoy the child free period with your new partner as introducing the children will make it more challenging and forces the relationship to deal with parenting issues which shouldn't be there in the honeymoon period.

Don't rush it, if he is the right man he will wait until you know him well.

SoloMummy · 02/05/2020 15:17

Imo. It's a bf at 6 months not a life partner.
I fully understand why he's reservations at what could possibly be a string of different "partners". As you no doubt would have too if tables were reversed.
However, unless he has safeguarding concerns, he can do very little.
But in the view of you've got to coparents until the children are 18,do you really need to be so dismissive at this time?
Why not make compromises like, you'll introduce after a timescale or that the children won't see him at yours overnight for a time period?

Remember the day will come when the table is reversed.... M

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