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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is ‘hot nesting’ really a thing?

27 replies

FrontRowSeat · 16/04/2020 17:40

Apparently it’s where a separated/divorced couple live elsewhere (on their own) when it’s not their time to look after the children, while one parent lives with the children in the family home. Then they swap over. Saves the children the upheaval/upset of moving and keeps things relatively normal for them.

Do you know anyone who does this successfully?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 16/04/2020 18:08

I know a couple of families who do this and as far as I know it's relatively successful.

SpyApp · 16/04/2020 18:10

I think it would be very difficult when there are new dates/partners.

Picamyhoney · 16/04/2020 18:13

I know one couple who are doing it very unsuccessfully.

PersonaNonGarter · 16/04/2020 18:22

This is surely only temporary though? Where’s the privacy?

Picamyhoney · 16/04/2020 18:29

One of the couple is a controlling person and it was her idea as the kids are very young - baby & toddler- although they can afford two decent places themselves each. They have family home and a one bed flat and alternate parents between them. They have all the downsides of a relationship - shared space, dealing with each others mess, blah blah and non of the benefits.
They have agreed no new girlfriends allowed to stay in either property when the time comes, and no new partners to be introduced to kids without the approval of the other parent. All this is dictated by mum 1, the controlling one. Mum 2 is basically doing as she's told for the 'sake' of the children. It's a right bloody nightmare from the sounds of things and I don't see how it can last long term although the plan is to do this until the children ( 8 months and 2 ) leave home.

Original poster
FrontRowSeat · 16/04/2020 18:57

Wow that sounds tough. I’ve read some couples get their own place each. So get their own space (or stay with a parent if possible).

OP posts:
stormyrainyday · 16/04/2020 19:31

i considered it - the advice is that it should be a short term solution as far as I read

stormyrainyday · 16/04/2020 19:32

obviously if you can afford three homes then amazing, just not achievable for majority of people

PicsInRed · 17/04/2020 10:20

I imagine a lot of women would find they do most or all of the cleaning and running around organising tradies for repairs and maintenance.

That irrigation and wasted time will flow over into her time with the kids.

Fuck that.

PicsInRed · 17/04/2020 10:22

*irritation 😂

KenDodd · 17/04/2020 10:30

I wonder if that's the best solution for the kids, although, let's face it, we go with what works best for the adults.

I imagine to do this successfully long term you would need a lot of money. You would need a family home with a bedroom for each of the parents. Then each parent would need their own home. The parents would also need to have a good relationship with each other.

Corroboree · 17/04/2020 10:30

What pics said! All the reasons I'm leaving him- he does nothing! I would still have to do everything, and he would leave the place filthy, the cupboards bare, the children would have no clean clothes until my days, and he'd be fully catered for every few days. Plus I'd have an extra home to sort out. More work, not less, even if it's less disruption for the children.

Ibeingbornawomananddistressed · 17/04/2020 10:38

When ex and I first separated we tried this...easier for him as we already had a small crash pad in the city he works in so he already spent weekdays there. I found it hard to vacate: always having to visit others/ book a hotel on "his" weekends was not ideal and buying another place was not cost effective. This was compounded by him spending the night before and the night after his contact time in the house ( spare bedroom), expecting a meal when he arrived on the Friday and a lift to the airport in the Monday!

I hated coming home to the inevitable messy house and it just made me resentful so it didn't last.

Original poster
FrontRowSeat · 17/04/2020 11:39

Very interesting to hear people’s experiences. I’m wondering if it is less disruptive for the children, or confusing for them.

OP posts:
Ibeingbornawomananddistressed · 17/04/2020 11:55

If it works, and both adults are considerate, not at all resentful and are managing things amicable i think it could be better for the kids... at least they won't be carting stuff from one house to another....

However, I think in the long run, particularly if new partners come on the scene, it is unsustainable....

Ibeingbornawomananddistressed · 17/04/2020 11:59

(But then I'm writing from my own perspective and I can't wait until the day comes when I have to have as near as zero contact as possible with my ex and am no longer relying on him financially for child support: he has a very, very well paid job whereas I earn very little having just started working again been a SAHM for 15 years)

YgritteSnow · 17/04/2020 12:00

Can't imagine anything worse tbh. I tried a loose version of this with ex H but found that he used it as an opportunity to make problems. Eg I came home one day to find the gas had been switched off entirely at the meter with an emergency fitting as he'd been able to "smell gas" Hmm. Had to wait two days for British Gas to come and do all the checks to remove it and reconnect the gas. Then there was the time the "front door key wouldn't work" so he had to kick the door in and then obviously I had to pay for those repairs. And then there was the time there was "NO DOG FOOD FFS!" and he insisted on waking the kids up to take them out for dog food as obviously the dog "can't be left to starve!" - there was a sack of food on top of the kitchen cupboards. Other things too. I stopped it as I just never knew what I was coming back to.

Hullabaloo31 · 17/04/2020 12:03

I've only seen it when couples first split, before they've got the house sorted etc. Doesn't work when they want to bring new partners home without the other setting fire to the bed etc.

OhioOhioOhio · 17/04/2020 22:46

Sounds absolutely horrific.

Candyfloss99 · 21/04/2020 18:00

Sounds awful

AllNewDownThere · 21/04/2020 18:49

I do this. And have done for 2 years.

It works for us as we have always gotten along and also, there is enough money to make it work. It’s true that I still have a larger domestic burden in the house (while he has the financial one) and there are no new partners to add to the mix. While the main benefit has been to provide stability for the kids it has also allowed my relationship with my ex to change and be redefined in a way that has been a little less traumatic for both of us.

Although we are all locked down in the same house so I am beginning to feel a bit stabby...

sashamc · 22/04/2020 10:47

Could I ask @AllNewDownThere how often you change over (and how old your children are)? I did this for a couple of months before lockdown, and felt it was working well. However the longer we stay in lockdown the more I'm beginning to think I would prefer a clean break....

AllNewDownThere · 22/04/2020 15:54

@sashamc We change over twice a week, as this works with our schedules best. And we split the weekends rather than eow. The kids are now 8 and 11.

I think it’s successful for us because my ex isn’t an asshole and there hasn’t been any bad behaviour on anyone’s part. Also we’ve had two years to get used to it so although we are living together now we have gone some way to establishing separate identities. Although that being said I am now spending time at the “other” house on the weekend because I need a break from everyone and everything.

I too dream of a clean break but as long as the kids are young realistically that’s not going to happen.

sashamc · 23/04/2020 15:08

Thanks so much @AllNewDownThere, especially for the point about splitting the weekend. I hadn't thought of that and it may well be a good option for us actually.

Livandme · 03/05/2020 22:10

I thought this would work quite well for us in the short term. As it happened it didn't at all.
I do hate packing the kids off though to his place as its unsettling for them.