Told partner I don't know if I want to get married

[NorthernDad20]

I have been with my partner for 11 years, we have been engaged for 5 years and have a 3 year old son. We are due to get married in November 2020.

Over the last few years intimacy has reduced, initially due to having a new born, but it has never recovered. I accepted that that must be what life with children is like, and then I’m recent months, more so since we were put on lockdown due COVID-19 I have begun to question our relationship as I long for more intimacy (not just sex, but some show of affection hugs/kiss when returning from work etc.) as she has been very cold for some time now.

We were out walking on Sunday and she asked me if I still wanted to get married. Without thinking I responded ”I don’t know” then. Explained that I don’t feel she loves me anymore.

I still love her, and our family, But I’m just concerned about entering marriage if the love isn’t there. I still want to marry her.

I wish I hadn’t responded how I did. And had raised my feelings in another way.

Her immediate reaction was of course I do, we need to work on getting sex back in to the relationship.... however since then she has asked lots of questions (understandably) and suggested that when the COVID lockdown is over that we trial a separation.

I really don't want a separation, I want to improve the intimacy between us.

I really want to turn this round and right things and want to use the next few weeks to start to repair the damage that I have done.

Over the last few years I have also started to snore which hasn't helped, as it wakes her/ makes it harder to get back to sleep. My snoring is due to weight gain since becoming a father. So tomorrow I start training again to get fitter/ drop weight.

I welcome any advice or experiences that you can share. I really don't want to loose my family

Thanks In Advance

I’m sorry to hear this. It sounds like something’s fundamentally wrong here though: a) why did you say what you did and b) why has her reaction been a trial separation if things are otherwise good? I’ve got two small kids and definitely the intimacy isn’t there that was before we had DD1 but if my husband voiced that my reaction wouldn’t be to suggest we separate. Have you asked her why she wants this? It can’t just be down to a flippant comment you made.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, especially at this uncertain and horrible time.

I completely regret saying what I did, I had been feeling lonely as I have been working from home for 3 weeks , whilst looking after my Son. She still goes to work as no work from home opportunity.

Trying to juggle work and entertain little one had taken its toll on me and a lack of affection (shrugging off hugs) and being short as back to back on calls when she returns had left me feeling alone.

With regards to it being a trial, I don't know.... it's understandably a shock to her. She quizzed me if these someone else (there isn't, family means to much for which a thing to enter my mind).

We had a challenging 18-24 months as she suffered postnatal depression/ anxiety. This took its toll on both of us and I felt similar at the time but there was clear reason why intimacy wasn't there . COVID has resurfaced some of the anxiety.

Don't regret raising the issues - better that than sleepwalking into a marriage that may not be fulfilling for you both.

Too often relationships continue without people voicing their worries and honest communication allows you to work together to address these and find the best way forward.

She maybe is in shock right now if she wasn't expecting you to raise this, so she might be saying and proposing things that arise from this. It might be that she believes that you are trying to find a way out and she is trying to find a little bit of control in the situation - her suggesting the trial separation could be part of this - your partner can't leave you if you've got there first. This is a biggie for mental health which can really deteriorate when you feel powerless in a situation, that someone else is determining your future, and the instinct is to make decisions that turn that around so that you are in control of your life again.

Continue talking with her - it sounds like you really love her and your family and want to make it work and there is no better basis to start from. I hope you can both find a way through it, and that she wants to reconnect and improve intimacy. But if, after talking and trying, she can't give you what you need in a relationship it is probably best for you both to move on in different directions.

My advice is to be kind and respectful during this lockdown and then, when it’s over, go to relationship counselling together. I suspect that you both would like to make the relationship work but that you are experiencing one of the low points that all relationships go through at times.

I agree relationship counselling would be great here. I did it with my stbx for many many months and although it has not worked for us (very complex situation) i do feel it was worth it and I certainly know i tried all i could.

Thank you for your replies , I have been in contact with my private medical (funded by work) regarding my current state of mind and situation. They have allocated a councillor for me to speak with on the phone for support during lock down and suggested that the should be able to fund a course of couples counciling for us both.

I hoped lockdown would be a helpful time to work on resolving these issues, however since the initial discussion she has become more distant, and striving for independence more and more. She had been using my car to go to work as hers needs repair but local garage isn’t open, on Tuesday night she announced that she didn’t need my car and would take hers despite the repairs required, also Declining help with cooking etc, and advising she’s more than capable.

Part of me wonders if the question on Sunday was a leading question be cause maybe she had doubts before me raising my concerns.

In the weeks before she had got angry with me as I had started a little side business as a project to focus my mind instead of mindlessly trawling social media whilst she watches TV ( she has very different taste in TV to me - I'm not quite in to mummy diaries and reality TV). Her argument was that I didn't consult her on it (fair argument) but I saw it as ok as it didn't require any investment other than £30 to buy the domain name for the website... At this point she said it might not be a bad thing of the wedding is postponed due to COVID-19!

I have proposed couples counciling to her on text as she avoided any conversation last night... yet to receive a reply - fingers crossed

I'm not quite in to mummy diaries and reality TV).

Bit of contempt shining through there.

How much of the actual household chores do you do? I suspect this will directly relate to her irritation about the "side business".

It's likely your weight gain is related to the snoring which prevents her sleeping. Sleep deprivation obviously will put her out of the mood, especially if she sees no real attempt to improve the situation for her.

I think it's a fair point, there's possibly some complacency on both parts

Chores are split pretty fairly, e.g one cooks other washed dishes. One does little ones bath the other runs the the hover round dusts etc.. Only exception is ironing - she doesn't let me iron as apparently Im painfully slow🙈 ! But always offer to do it - I really don't mind doing it...

With regards to weight, 100% agree I need to do more, I made good in roads in October &November last year dropped 10kg. But I stopped as she complained that I was eating a strict diet (whole foods - nothing processed) and training every night and not spending time with her, tried to encourage her to train with me but she declined in favour of training with her friend after work whilst I have little one.

So in favour of gym, i started to sit and watch TV with her, but the TV she watches doesn't interest me so decided to do something productive whilst "half watching" what she wants to watch.

Feels a little like there's a challenge at every corner these days...

Sometimes it’s not practical to end the relationship immediately but she’s already told you she wants to separate after the lockdown is over - stop pestering her for affection. She’s left you, she’s no choice but to cohabit with you right now but the relationship is over.