I’m just at decree nisi stage. I’ve been so fuming about this divorce and everything out of my control. I did not want this divorce and I found out some pretty terrible stuff about the man I loved and thought I knew. He stole from me, he betrayed me. Friends have been very surprised at our divorce and I have not held back in telling them why. But, I realise I have to stop this now; it isn’t helping me at all and I always feel shitty afterwards.
A friend of mine has been through two serious bouts of alcoholism. 10 years sober, she is an extremely wise woman and has explored forgiveness through a lot of therapy. I told her I felt angry all the time and every morning in the shower it all comes to the surface again and I feel such injustice and rage. I told her ‘after the divorce, I’m going to tell him everything I think.’ My friend made a wise observation; her OH did, and still does, exactly the same thing to her. He rings and tells her how shit everything is, that it’s all her fault and that she broke up their family and he can’t move on with his life. He’s still doing this 12 years later. She doesn’t do it to him. I asked her why and she said ‘because it would hurt me just as much as it would hurt him and it wouldn't achieve ANYTHING’. She understands it would not in fact make her feel better at all.
I realise that if i vent my spleen at my OH I would not actually find inner peace. So I’ve decided to take a page out of her book. Talking about my ex in this way makes me feel bad. I know I feel all kinds of justified at the same time - he has done the things that I accuse him of, but how does that help me?
I thought I’d put this thought out there. We’re currently at a time of the Coronavirus and bigger things matter more now. He was my husband. I did love him. I should have respect for him too for my children's sake and for mine; in memory of the good times. I really need to let go of the hatred, the hurt the loss and the justification and move on.
There is a whole world out there, I might not be able to afford to do many of the things I used to, but I have friends who care about me. I have my kids and somewhere to live. I have my health and in this most difficult of times, despite being 8 days into having the virus (probably). I can still paint, draw, cook, laugh, garden and enjoy my life with friends and family, even if it is online only at the moment.
Like a lot of us in self isolation, I have watched a lot of television. I love film, so it’s been a good excuse to indulge my passion and re-watched Trainspotting a couple of nights ago. I really identified with lead character Renton in a way i hadn’t before; he over-comes huge personal trauma, leaves poor decisions behind and choses a better path. He chooses to live. Letting go of my desire for some sort of retaliation releases me from potentially devastating outcomes. So that is what I am going to do; choose to be dignified, choose happiness, choose to be untroubled, ‘choose life’.