Seeing dad during the coronavirus situation

[westendgirlx]

Hi, I just wondered what other divorced parents this about this?

My 15 year old daughter lives with me, her mum. Her dad lives 150 miles away. We are both remarried.

She visits her dad usually at school holidays. Her last visit was at February half term.

We hadn't got a visit arranged for the Easter holidays because my daughter was going on holiday with me and my husband to France. Now, obviously, that is cancelled!

Yesterday, her dad asks, can our daughter visit him! What do I say? My inclination is to say no because was don't know how much worse coronavirus is going to get.

Plus, my ex, his wife, his parents and my husband are all in the vulnerable categories, either because of age or health conditions. And what would happen if there's a sudden case of the virus in his family whilst she visits?

She also has to complete daily schoolwork via email and she has that all set up here at home. She would have to take a couple of suitcases full of books and a laptop with her. I exaggerate not! She has already had work emailed today from a teacher...on a Saturday!

You're absolutely doing the right thing. No matter how well your DD may appear to be, she may still be an asymptomatic spreader of the disease. Bringing that into a situation with multiple vulnerable people would be madness. It's a risk you can't take and it goes against all current advice.

The CAFCASS statement is well behind the situation on the ground and needs urgent review.

BTW I work in the coronavirus taskforce of my NHS Trust.

Although Cafcass have issues direction in this it doesn’t override the govt advice to “stay home” and “stay local” If he was just down the road I may have said ok with real limitations but 150miles adds considerable extra risks

My abusive ex-husband is refusing to return the children we have 50/50 "for the forseeable future" and breeching Court Order because 1) I am pregnant and 2) My mum had cancer two years ago.

Yup, I am for real.

Issuing a request for an urgent court hearing in the morning.

Why is it different for a father to keep them not a mother ? I’m sorry for your situation but if it was you keeping them everyone would say you are doing the right thing as evidenced from multiple threads on other boards

RainMinusBow as a pregnant woman you are classed as vulnerable, so your ex's abusive nature aside, he is doing the right thing. Though undoubtedly for the wrong reasons.

@millymollymoomoo It is absolutely not right thing for ANY parent to be without their other parent/carer unless there is a valid reason. It's wholly irrelevant whether it's mum or dad keeping them.

Sadly lots of separated parents, whether intentionally (to deny access to other parent) or unintentionally (through not understanding the guidance) are changing access.

Legally the only reason for child not to go to other parent is if household they are going to is displaying symptoms of Covid-19.

Take my case for example - my ex has been abusive and controlling for many years.

How on earth is the fact that I am pregnant and that my mother (who does not even live with us) had cancer 2 years ago? I'm sorry but that is just sick and twisted.

I cannot put into words the psychological anguish that I am being put through by being told I am not going to see my children "for the forseeable future", especially at 30 weeks' pregnant. My midwife and GP are both very concerned for my wellbeing and that of my unborn child.

My ex-husband even wished me all of the best of luck from himself and the children with my baby - he really is that disturbed.

Here is info from my barrister:

In short, if the order provides for the children to be returned on Monday, then he must adhere to the order, unless he is able to demonstrate a reasonable excuse not to. Simply stating “due to the Coronavirus” is sufficient, unless you or anyone in your household is showing symptoms and that is why he is not going to return them. If he refuses to return them on Monday, you can issue an urgent application to the court.

@pointythings See above. He is doing it to be abusive.

I am a 39 year-old woman. It is NOT up to my abusive ex-husband to make decisions based on my pregnancy which is absolutely none of his business. He is attempting to use it as an excuse to further abuse. Since he found out I was pregnant his abuse has gone through the roof.

I'm not talking 14 days here BTW, ex is saying for up to 18 months. If he's genuinely worried about the boys going between houses then why not let me have them? Because he's sick in the head!

Just some further examples of control and mental abuse... When I first met my now fiancé ex told both boys to "Watch out because he could well be a paedophile".

When my kids found a bracelet in their house left by the previous tenants, ex told eldest: "Now you've touched that you're going to get (racist name of ethnic group) AIDS." My son came home terrified and asked my fiancé (social worker) if he thinks he might have AIDS and die because he did touch the bracelet.

See what he's doing now?!!

I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying these are difficult unprecedented times and mums up and Down the country are keeping their children away from dads Due to social distancing and are being told ( at least on Mumsnet) that’s it’s absolutely the right thing and to simply offer Skype/FaceTime etc. Yet if a dad does it suddenly it’s wrong
I’m sorry for your personal situation and I couldn’t bare to be away from my own children for long periods so can only imagine

@millymollymoomoo But the worry is that some parents are using this situation as an attempt to deny access.

The law still applied though - see email above from my barrister.

It is wrong full stop. I don't care which paren't does it!

Social distancing advised to pregnant women is NOT the same as self-isolation. For example, mw advised I can still go to supermarket for essential shopping etc. It's my choice not to, but I still can.

Me being pregnant doesn't put my children at any greater risk. That's the crux of the matter. So my ex-husband needs to release the boys and stop breaching the Court Order.

He's just pissed off I have a new life with a new partner.

My ex is 200miles away so mine are with me for now.

@Scruffyoak So how does contact work usually? My kids are only a ten minute drive away luckily (but obviously as it's 50/50 this means we can't move away).

RainMinusBow

You seem to be in exceptional circumstances. I hope that your barrister can sort out your situation for the good of your children. How has he got 50 50 access when he is abusive? Xxx

@westendgirlx In short, because he's never hit me.

Of course she can't go and visit him!
We have been told to Socially Distance FFS!!!
Why on earth are you even asking?
Stay Inside - Stay Alive. Simple.

Michael Gove
@michaelgove
I wasn’t clear enough earlier, apologies. To confirm - while children should not normally be moving between households, we recognise that this may be necessary when children who are under 18 move between separated parents. This is permissible & has been made clear in the guidance