When to tell DC?

[Stillbloodyraining]

After a year of talking and a month or so of counselling, DH and I are separating. He has found a flat and is due to move out in 3ish weeks.

We have a 10yo DS and we are struggling with when to tell him that Dad is moving out.

I am concerned that if we tell him now, but then DH and I carry on a normal in the meantime, which we very much are, he will think "If I do this or that maybe dad won't go", but at the same time, I don't want to spring it on him at the last minute.

To be honest I can't believe it has come to this and I am dreading telling him and breaking his heart.

Can anyone offer any advice as to what has worked for them?

Thank you

I'm sorry, I can't offer any advice OP, but I'm in a similar position so interested in what others have to say and bumping this up to the top again.

This is not based on personal experience but I wouldn't tell him too far in advance. A couple of days? That's long enough for him to process it and ask initial questions but not so long that he gets confused by how amicable you're being

We told the dc on the Friday and he moved out Monday.
Was very difficult, I won't lie. I cried cos dd was sobbing.
I wouldnt tell dc any sooner as if he doesn't go quickly after you say, it's a limbo period for a long time.
Best of luck

Sorry to hear you're going through this too. We told our children (9 and nearly 5) just last week. Our plan was to tell them Saturday and my husband to move out a week later. But my eldest needed reassurance and for him that was seeing his dad's flat and knowing he would still be nearby. So anyway, we told them Saturday and husband moved out Sunday. Kids slept at his on the Monday!! Everything I read said no more than a few days as it gives longer to worry and build up anxiety. Best of luck with it. At the time it will be awful but ours bounced back so quickly after the initial shock xx

I went through the agony of worrying about how kids would react and how there will be misery at their lives falling apart. I lost sleep, couldn’t eat, etc.

But it went not at all as I expected. In our case there has been tension in the relationship for years. So kids didn’t seem surprised.
Also - we had all the details of how future life will be - when they will be with me, when with their father; where he will live, etc.
So it really helped.
We didn’t want to tell them just before he moves out - because it felt like they won’t have time to process. We told them with a few weeks to go.
Maybe with smaller kids it’s best to wait - but our kids are pre-teens and they understand more. And they have started thinking and planning how their life would be. And also seeing their parents getting along under one roof, despite going separate ways has also been good.

Watching this thread too though I don't have much helpful to say as yet. Am agonising over the same thing @Stillbloodyraining and have woken at 5am the last three mornings because of this. What I have said to DP is that I think we should only tell the DC hen a plan is in place. Dc2 (12) in particular is bad with surprises but also lack of detail. He likes it be prepared and know what will happen. So I hope we can tell him what the arrangement is and potentially show him where DP will be living. The unknown here is that DP is never proactive - which is a main reason why we are splitting. So since this all involves him finding someone to live based on a number of decisions about his work and money, I am waiting... wishing you look - from what other posters have said a couple of days between telling and doing sounds right to me.

A week before. It's going to hurt sorely no matter what. Best not to make it so that he cries for dad not to go by telling him sooner.

God I remember my parents telling me and I was 14. It was one of the saddest days of my life. Just make sure he gets to see dad and hang out soon after he leaves so he knows he gets to see him lots.

I didn't see my dad for 6 weeks and I thought he was never coming back.

I was advised to use this as a basis:

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/talking-about-separation/telling-children

www.kidspot.com.au/health/ask-the-expert/ask-dr-justin/how-to-tell-your-children-youre-separating/news-story/dcfecba04ab3cd0f41072bdd7a7aaae7

Am not there myself yet but am dreading it as their lives will change so much.

Thank you everyone and sorry for those going through the same thing, it's shit isn't it.

I think we'll probably tell him on the Sunday and his dad will go the following weekend. I am dreading it so much - DS misses his dad at the best of times even if he's just not here at bedtime, or if DS and I go to my DPs for a few nights without him.

@CorianderLord, that's what I am worried about, that he will cry for daddy not to go, which would break all our hearts.

I mean I know he will cry for daddy not to go, but I don't want to drag it out over several weeks.

What’s the plan for your son to see his dad going forward? Sounds like he needs reassurance that it will be regular and cert frequent
It’s going to take time to settle but it’s important he knows he can see and talk to his dad even though he’s not living there. Is your ex staying close by ?

STBXH will be very close - about a mile away. The plan is for DS to be with his dad on Mondays and Tuesdays, me on Wednesdays and Thursdays and then we will alternate the weekends.

However in reality this may take a little while to set up due to the logistics of the school run.

It will probably(?) be that until DS finishes Y6 in July, he stays with me in the week (walking distance to school) but possibly spending 1/2 weekday evenings with his dad, either at his flat or our house and then staying over with dad every other (or three out of four) weekend/s.

@GlassOfProsecco thank you for the excellent link. @Stillbloodyraining - Yep, sounds like we are both trying to decide how best to organise things as well, until routines settle. Hard times. 🙁 like you I just want stability and clarity for the DC. I suppose as you say if they know they will see DP regularly that will help. I can't help thinking that in the short term sleeping in their own beds in the week and the same weekday routine would be helpful and then being away at some weekends would be less disruptive until Dp manages to get a place set up properly for them which may take some time ... particularly as organisation does not come easily to him. I told school yesterday as I had a meeting there about something else. Their concern made me feel even worse as they started by telling me what a happy little boy he is. I felt even worse somehow like I was going to pull the rug from under him.

@newfuture I think I am going to tell the school today as I am there for something else. Well, if I can grab his teacher for a minute anyway.

@GlassOfProsecco, I will have a look at your 2nd link too - I've already seen the Relate one, but tbh after our experience with Relate over the past month, I am not sure I have much faith in what they have to say. Although as an organisation I am sure they help, our individual "counsellor" offered very little in the way of counselling.

Good luck with both your situations - we just need to remember to that kids are pretty resilient and I am sure they will be fine in the long run (that's what I keep telling myself anyway)

@Jackeroosmum - thank you for sharing. It helps to hear that your children bounced back without too much upset. Best of luck going forward.

@stillbloodyraining I feel the stress you are feeling. It's hellish. I didn't sleep for weeks before this happened but the separation was not my decision. I did feel a sense of relief after we told though and had got it out the way.

We did this in Nov and it's the worst thing I've ever done. It's horrible to put your child through this (mine is 9). The initial reaction was awful, lots of tears and anguish. It came completely out of the blue to her. Lots of the info i read is based on homes where there's been a terrible atmosphere and ours was not like that. I'd spoken to the class teacher so they were aware. My daughter took the next couple of days off school.

Be ready with answers: where will they live, what happens during holidays, will you still do family things together, will you still go on holiday together, what will happen to them if you die, where will they be most of the time, why have you made dad leave, do you not love dad, when did you decide exactly that you wanted to split up, why have you done this to me, why can't you live in the same house and sleep in separate rooms, can you afford to live in this house etc etc.

We had a 3 week gap before he moved out. We slept in separate rooms. She helped view flats. I don't think the reality of the situation has actually hit until now. I think that 3 week time period helped because we supported each other and it let us both answer the questions.

The parenting schedule is similar to your proposed routine. We drew up a parenting plan - we both did a version and then got together to compare and agree them.

It doesn't feel right when you don't have your child. So make sure you are busy, that's what's kept me semi-sane. It's very false but if it gets you through the next few months then so be it. Treat yourself, go to the cinema, meet friends. Reassure your child that they can call you any time, always pick up when they call.

I am not sure how long it takes to get used to this life. I wish I could tell you otherwise. Best wishes, I hope it goes ok for you all xxx