Help!

[Devoilmum]

I need to split from my Dh. I say DH but we’ve never legally got married. So really dp.

We have 3 nearly teen dcs. House is in both our names. I worked part time until recently, from when dcs were born however, (and this isn’t due to me earning more,) I’ve always paid equal or more into joint account for bills.
DP has for the past 2 years upped the amount he contributes however and it’s now more than me but I still pay a lot of stuff (Christmas/ birthdays/ school stuff/ mid week shopping) from my own bank account. And I always have.

We need to split. He’ll say no. I don’t think he wants to be apart from the dcs. It’s definitely not because of me. (He’s been holed up in a hotel with his girlfriend all weekend, I’m pretty sure).

But how to we spilt the house? I put a large deposit into our first buy. And this one has probably made £130k since we bought it. I’ll need to stay here. The mortgage is lower than id pay in rent anywhere. So I guess I’d need him taking off it and putting into my name? But what about the finances? He would be due a share of it or can it be deferred whilst the children are so young?
I think he’d walk with nothing, eventually but I’d want to do the right thing.
I guess he would have to rent a room, he couldn’t afford a place unless he moves in with girlfriend. Where does he stand with seeing children. Does he have to come back here to see them?

I’m actually feeling devastated for them. He has an older boy who he sees very little of. It was always me that used to arrange to see him when he was younger. I feel like it’ll be my fault he abandons our children. This is why I stayed before. I can’t this time.

Pension wise he has very little, nor do I.

But he has a property overseas and also some land - together they are worth quite a lot. Am I entitled to a share of that or its worth? He’s been gifted it by a parent.

If you’re not marred then you are not entitled to any of his assets, he’d be entitled to half of the equity in the house and you’d be entitled to child maintenance. You need to see a solicitor.

www.familylawgroup.co.uk/site/blog/flg-news/i-am-not-married-to-my-partner-what-are-my-rights

I would think unless he agrees otherwise if you want to keep the house you would need to buy him out of his share if it's in both your names.

If your not married your not entitled to his assets

Also this :

It's a bit Janet and John, but it might be useful

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/how-to-sort-out-your-finances-on-separation

As above, what is his is his. You aren't his wife.
In all likelihood you'll need to buy him out of his portion of the property or more likely sell so that you have cash and can get somewhere new.

See a lawyer ASAP.

Thanks for the replies.

I know that he’ll immediately pull all financial help regarding the house and I can’t imagine child maintenance will be much. I’m going to struggle.

I hope that she’s worth it for him.

Crossed posts - when I’ve tried to split with him before I’ve said we’ll need to sell.
If we sell here, the money I’ll be left with won’t go far but if we sell and I move, I can get somewhere half decent.
This is why he refuses to go.

Then you'll have to see a solicitor to sort it out for you

Forget what assets he owns, and where they are. His assets are his. Focus on what you own, and what you can do with that. Your share of property, bank accounts etc.

The only material asset you share is the house. If you bought it together, and didn’t make any legal provision to split it otherwise, you both get 50% of the equity.

You also have children together. Once you split you will need to agree how you both parent them. He will be entitled to parent separately from you in his own home. Just as you will be. If he refuses to act on this entitlement, it will be his fault.

Financially you both have responsibilities to your children. Depending on the shared parenting arrangement he will probably pay child maintenance. The amount will be impacted by the fact he has another child already.

Both of you will need to ensure the children are adequately housed until they are 18. This doesn’t change, even if you are not married. This is the mechanism you might be able to use to delay the sale of house for a period of time. But eventually you will be expected to work full time and to sell the house. Splitting the equity with him.

When you say you would move, do you mean locally or further afield?

@LemonTT - thank you

I doubt he will have any more than a room for some time. He would like just couch surf for a while. I doubt he would have anywhere to parent. Unless of course they get a place together - she is currently renting a room but possibly has CCJ against her.

His older DS is now classed as a working adult so no child maintenance due for him. He did always pay for him when he needed to, but only the minimum.

I’m already working full time, have been for a couple of years now but it’s not much money. Any move would have to be further afield, I couldn’t afford local on my own. I have no family close by, no support network. I don’t want to move, but if I were forced to sell, I’d have to.

I think you have to realise he does have somewhere to live. He owns half a house. The one you live in. He can stay there. Or he can force the sale and use the equity to buy his own place.

There is no scenario where a court will have him living in a room whilst you get the house. You both need homes where you can parent your children. It’s what you should both be working towards. It’s best for the children.

Of course, I’m only thinking in the box. Thank you. It would make much for sense for him to stay in the house with the children, if they are going to go ahead and be a couple. The house is affordable for two but not one person. They could but me out and I’ll be able to afford a little place for the dcs to visit. Obviously would break my heart to not be with them all the time but we have to do what’s right for them.

That's not what's being advised OP just that you can't demand or expect to keep the house. Either have to buy him out or sell and split the profits

Of course it’s not and I realise that. I’m more concerned at how I afford to keep a roof over the heads of my family on my own. This house or another, I don’t earn enough to do it.
But, I could afford a small flat close by.
We both could if we sold and spilt, or if he’s with OW, between them they can afford a bigger property.
I’ll be close by every day for all dcs. I just can’t afford to give them their own space. Not in this area.
I can if I move away. But by doing that, I’ll be taking them away from their daddy. That’s not fair either.
I’m not going to demand to keep the house. I couldn’t afford to keep it.

Have you seen a solicitor & mortgage advisor? That's the way forward.

No not yet. We’ll need to talk and work together to do what’s right for all of us. I know roughly what the house value is. I can make a bit of a guess but will definitely get some proper advice.
I’m probably still too emotional about it all but the above scenario seems to give me a bit of light. We live in a large town and if I can get a place close to their school, I’ll see plenty of them, I’m sure. They’d be able to stay whenever they wanted (although it’s likely be doubling up with me or camping!) but we’d still be as together as we could. And they’d have a secure roof over their heads.
That’s of course providing the OW is up for playing happy families. DP will also struggle to cover the bills on his own but doesn’t sound like he’ll be alone. She is single, no kids.