The big reveal on the illicit affair - exposed

[Brainengaged1]

My husband had been a total idiot . I cannot believe I could have married such an absolute amateur for over 24 years

I recently posted my story , but thought this might be a more appropriate forum to put it on
He doesn’t know I know is the full extent of his recent on line subscriptions to illicit affairs .dot . com . I’d got photos emails the whole lot and telephone numbers .

Whatever the relationship was I didn’t deserve that .

Sorry to hear that.
But do beware that 'blame' doesn't really have any effect on divorce arrangements, other than providing the grounds to divorce.

Thank you Regrettably I’ve become my own divorce expert .

These sites are awful - illicit affairs.com

But I blame the men and also women who contribute to the demise and end of a relationship.

I’m checking his statements tomorrow with him .
Anyone know of any codes I should be looking out for on bank statements that indicate dodgy websites ?

If he had any sense you probably won't find anything. If you know he had an affair what on earth is checking his bank statements going to prove? Save your energy and just start planning the divorce settlement ..

These sites aren’t awful, OP. They provide a lot of unhappily married people with a way to cope and survive.

Is this an advert?

OP mentions on her other thread that they haven’t had sex for a very long time.
Sad as it is for you - what were his choices for having a sex life? Pestering you, or having arguments?
He went somewhere else to meet that need discretely and to keep the marriage going. He clearly loves you enough to stay despite the totally soul destroying situation of constant rejection.

If you want to divorce - detailed evidence of affair isn’t required.

I know it must sound strange but the reason I’m looking at statements is to just get an idea of how long this has been going on for .
If this has been going on for a long period it makes sense why he may have used the argument if we aren’t intimate any more . Is he just gaslighting ? He may have made an emotional connection with someone else and is using this to justify . I know he is remorseful , but it just isn’t enough for me

@TheowbhThis is real , it’s not an advert. Why would I be promoting something that is going to have such a detrimental effect on my family and my life .

@Jsku
He never pestered nor asked - he just stopped, and wasn’t available

Depending on how smart he was in hiding his tracks you may or might not be able to find anything on the statements.
That website charges a fee / period, but the charges don’t come out as something easily identifiable.
Then if he used hotels for meet-ups - he could have had an extra card you dont know about. If you see charges to DayUse - those would be the ones.

It is highly unlikely that any emotional connection was there. It’s a somewhat transactional website. People connect there, meet up for coffee - and contrary to regular dating where there is flirtation and wooing - there isn’t that. Everybody understands they are there to have sex. So the meetings are to see if there is an attraction.
As time progresses, people can become attached or demand more time, etc.
This is most likely why he broke it off with that woman he blocked.

I don’t know what happened in your sex life. It seems odd that he simply stopped suddenly and without explanation.
But if decide to stay and try to fix the marriage - fixing the sex life will be important. And untangling the history of what went on there is important.

Very odd, I don’t know why . I supposed we just got into a pattern of working hard , raising family dealing with stress , bereavements and neglected that part of our lives. He doesn’t have ED nor any other health conditions

I am sorry, again.
I think for me in your situation - I’d want to know what went on with the sex.
Why he stopped wanting it with you? Was there something about your sex life he was not happy with but too afraid to say?
Did he go on that website before that happened - was it out of curiosity? Or did sex stop first and he went there after that.

For me it would be important to understand all of that in order to see if there is a future.

But also - what about you? Were you content living without sex? Was it more a relief that it stopped?
If your libido has gone - and his didn’t, but you don’t want to break up the marriage - would an open marriage be something you can potentially consider?
It’s not something people discuss often, but it happens more than we know

That’s exactly why I want to look at the statements . This would show no matter how much sex he got from me he would have ended up there any way . The issue is then about him
Yes I could have pushed to ask but he was always moody and distant . I tried to be a supporting and understanding wife for a long time , but even I felt where I’d my life going .
However I would have done the right thing at the right time and confront rather than go down the affair route . I’m not taking the moral high ground here , but we are adults and he could have asked / told me . I know he was possibly trying to protect my feelings ( his way of justifying) but he didn’t protect me . What if he sudently got his mojo back and made a move and experiment on me knowing he had been with other women . Bingo I now have to go to a gp for STD check .

On way now to meet him . I’ll update later on

He won’t show me statements !

Well there's your answer sadly Brain. Obviously stuff to hide. I agree with you btw. Those sites are awful and encourage such deception. If he had a problem with the marriage he should have ended it if he didn't want to try and resolve the dead bedroom problem. No excuses.

Does he know that you know anything?

He doesn’t know that I know about the messages . But he fessed to having a bj so really what more to hide now. He is almost so like yeah it happened we had problems , why are you going in and on about it, punishing me etc.

Had he gone mad ? He had become so like what ? He isn’t this type

My front windows have just been smashed while we were inside , talking over things

Jilted lover ?

That's not good OP. What did he say? Have you called police?

You must call the police immediately.
How did he react to the damage?

Well that escalated quickly

Omg, you must phone the police. Does ex know anything about it ?

Phone the police and be safe.
This is unlikely to have anything to do won’t tell situation.
There is NO love on IE, no jilted lovers, and people rarely exchange addresses with people they meet on internet for sex.

They just kept smashing the windows while we were in the front window. It’s unlikely to be a burglary cause I was shouting that hard at them. He was proper scared. I didn’t want to look through another window cause I was too scared and wasn’t sure if I mind find someone pointing a weapon at me. I instantly thought this must be connected while he said no it’s a burglary . I say well how come they continued

And left a mess ? Food item left on window . Police said it might be a revenge attack . I told them everything . They were not interested in my phone numbers /names . Dh didn’t want to volunteer info but I did . He was in denial for at least 20 mins and then came around to possibility that perhaps it may have been someone from ie.