Mediation failed - now WTF do I do?

[GoGoPowerScooter]

Five sessions of mediation to try and come to an agreement over finances. Decree Nisi issued. House is jointly owned outright; STBXH rents somewhere nearby. I'm in the house with 2 DC, both disabled and in receipt of DLA; my only income is Carers' Allowance/Income Support. X works full time; I stopped working five years ago to be full time carer for DC. Unlikely to be able to work again for several years due to DCs' needs. X has one school run a fortnight, so no restrictions on his work. No assets other than house and pensions; his pension is currently worth three times mine, as I went part time after DCs were born, and haven't worked for five years. So confused. Does anyone have any advice, please?

you need to get a solicitor!

Thanks - just made an appointment for next week, half an hour with no cost. Would be really interested to hear from anyone else who's been in a similar position and how it worked out. X seems to think a 60/40 split of the house and no pension sharing would be reasonable; I have no idea how I'd cope financially in that position

how long have you been married?

Are you to stay in the house with the children until they can live independently?

Married in 2003; separated January 2017. I waited 2 years to start divorce proceedings, so I could just put the grounds as 2 years' separation rather than antagonising him by going for unreasonable behaviour. Then he delayed the decree nisi by refusing to consent/lying about it, so it's only just come through 15 months later.

Yes, he agrees the house shouldn't be sold until youngest can live independently; the problem is that we can't predict when that might be. Lots of uncertainty there, but at least he agrees in principle.

You definitely need a solicitor
No one here can advise because we don’t know values of house pensions incomes etc

The pension needs to be included in any calculations. You may chose go take more capital from the house offset against pension but the pensions are definitely in the pot for split

Thanks :-) I'm seeing a solicitor on Monday; just thinking things through and wondering what's realistic in terms of splitting assets.

To be fair, by delaying the divorce he has put more of the assets up for grabs so it doesn't seem like,he is trying to screw you. You just need good advice given the difficult circs with the children.

I’m glad mediation failed, as it means you had the sense not to give into his ridiculous proposal.

The absolute minimum you should have is 50% of all assets.

Ignoring pensions means that even with 60% of the house, you’d be getting under 50%.

You are the full time carer to his two disabled children. He’s insulted you trying to get you to take less than 50%. They impact your housing needs and future earning capacity, so you should go for WELL over 50%. You do need a solicitor to guide you on what you can expect though. But it sure as hell isn’t as little as he’s offering!

His proposal is unreasonable even disregarding the fact your dc are disabled. Factor that in too, and it's even worse. How much is the house worth, and approximately how much do you have in savings? I think a solicitor would be money well spent in your situation. I'm guessing your XH is trying to dissuade you from "wasting" money on a solicitor?

I am in a very similar situation - nisi issued and mediation happening but wobbly. You need to look at the house value - can you stay there until the children leave and then sell with him getting a pre-agreed percentage? You need to have at least 50% of his pensions either into a pension for you or as a greater share of the equity. You also need to look at income - if he is a high earner you could get spousal maintenance too. Good luck op it's a nightmare. Sounds like he is a lot more reasonable than mine is.

I have no experience at all but someone wrote a post on a thread recently about division of assets with sen child. Someone on here may be able to find it.

The upshot of it is that sen costs extra so factor it all in. Education costs are normally x - sen education costs are y. Babysitting costs are normally x - qualified sen babysitters cost y. Holiday clubs cost x - sen suitable will cost y. Respite care might be needed. It will cost. Transport when a Ford Fiesta every so many years is x - you might always need a big car. Transport/ fuel costs to a school that’s not local or to myriad appointments.

It will all need consideration.

Just read all the responses - thanks everyone for taking the time to post House is worth around 400k; we're in a pricey area, and I couldn't get another three bed place for less than that. He's not a high earner; c30k. His pension's worth 160k; mine's worth 55k. No savings. Yep, XH is trying to avoid negotiating via solicitors due to the cost. I'm really worried about how to afford a solicitor; only income is benefits. And his pension is building up, whilst mine is stagnant. And he can continue working with no restrictions - does one school pick up a fortnight - whereas I just can't see how I could work as well as meet the DCs' needs. Also, there's no way I could walk back into my old job/something similar; been away too long and would have to go back at a lower level. And that's if I could find the hours to fit around the DC. Feeling so powerless And XH will inherit a fucktonne of money in about ten years - we're talking around a million quid - yet still seems to think I'm trying to take him for everything so I can sit on my arse and do nothing.

Op have you looked at litigation loans? They could cover your legal fees and come out of the financial pot at the end. I would suggest that you are looking at a pot overall of 615k of which you are owed at least £307.5. I'm sure your solicitor would argue that you need more than 50% of the house to home the children and 50% of his pensions. So your minimum starting point should be 307k. You may get much more and if you want a clean break then I think you can trade future maintenance for a capitalised sum. If you start out by working out your priority then that will help focus your thinking.

How did mediation fail? It blows my mind all these men just focusing on the finances and not the kids.
My STBEXH's attitude is completely different and reading your post I could cry with gratitude. To him it's all about the kids. He's read loads about divorce procedure and how both parties need to be able to start afresh on an equal footing and with a similar lifestyle. And the pot gets divvied up to make that happen. So it's obvious to him that's half the pension, about 80% of the equity and spousal support for a couple of years to get me earning again or longer if our SEN child can't cope with after school care. He genuinely couldn't live with himself if the kids were going from one income extreme to another.

So get a solicitor and fight for your kids because he's letting them down. And no, you are not being lazy and sitting on your arse. Only he thinks that - noone else.

Everything should be split 50/50 assets childcare etc then there is none of this agro

In similar position except I’ve managed hold on part time job alongside caring. Just represent yourself at court if needed you make a compelling case. Ignore advice about 50:50 from the little I’ve found about sen kids usual rules don’t apply as the child’s needs now and in future and future caring will be taken into account. I expect to get nearer 80% and maybe more. I can’t buy a smaller or cheaper house. DS will probably always live with me and will probably need a 3rd bedroom in future for live in carer for respite when I’m too old to do it so freeing up equity and downsizing isn’t an option. We have agreed child maintenance should continue until leaves education which could be 25. I’ve seen egs of getting 100% house where one parent needs to be a carer for rest life. I don’t think you have to worry too much about getting it in front of a judge. Legal aid will cover your costs if low income and represent yourself. Use benefit calculators to see what you will get in future eg one of my children gets DLA but won’t get PIP so I am losing a big chunk of disability tax credits too now he’s 16. My more disabled child should get PIP. But benefit rules change with governments and not guaranteed. You can’t raise a mortgage to buy him out and need a 3 bed so it seems to me you have a good argument for 100% house unless you could buy in cheaper area but even then after expenses, stamp duty etc may not be any capital to release. I would not go for mesher (him getting share when house is sold later) I would go for all house + pension share. My ex will also inherit in future. Also thinks entitled to bigger share but he hasn’t calculated what it would cost to provide round clock care for me to work and contribute pension. The law takes into account future loss earnings of carer which in my case is several £10000’s per year. The courts priority is your disabled children their needs come first and they need housed and cared for long term. It doesn’t sound like your ex is offering to do that with his share! Is it realistic for you to work and get childcare? It’s not for me childcare for my son is £18 per hour from my taxed income so I would need earn £25 an hour to break even! Set out what you can realistically earn, egs if other housing options to show nothing cheaper, benefits and how change with age etc You can put a lot together without a solicitor to show Judge why being a carer is only option. So many men seem to ignore the bit of Act that says future contribution to children and disabled adult children is taken into account in calculations. Seems to me ex’s needs are met by rent and pension / earnings and he doesn’t need the money. He may want it but at expense of his children. Tell him to go and visit a few residential units and supported housing projects and advise which one he thinks will be suitable for when you go back to work and the kids have to be looked after by adult social care.

Be very clear on your mind on one thing, OP - your husband does not want to avoid the cost of solicitors. He wants to avoid a professional telling you that he is taking the piss.

Some solicitors will take part of their fees from the settlement.

Is the house mortgaged? Or owned outright? If you were awarded 100% of the equity can you afford the mortgage and bills ( if it’s mortgaged and could you actually get a mortgage )I dont think you are in spousal maintenance Territory as he’s not a high earner

Have a free initial meeting with at least 2 solicitors and get a quote for how much they think it will cost you for them to work out a financial statement. Then instruct one of them. In the long run it's definitely worth you spending a few grand now to get a fair settlement.

How many mediation sessions should one try before giving up and going to court?

Friend is trying to drag her stbxh to mediation. Maybe he'll become reasonable but I could see him dragging it all out, making no progress, just to hurt her.