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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Told the kids - I don't want to go through with it

14 replies

Jackeroosmum · 29/02/2020 18:23

Bit of background... Husband and I been together 16 years, married 19. 2 LOs: 9 and nearly 5. After eldest was born our marriage kinda imploded. Husband worked abroad a lot, very sick baby and in and out of hospital, trying to hold down my.job and no family support. When eldest was 2 I found my husband had slept with 2 women and being messaging loads online on sex sites. Anyway we decided to rebuild and went through nearly a year of counselling. Next few years were what I thought the happiest of our marriage. Had our youngest, moved somewhere new so husband didn't have to travel and finally bought a house. Anyway if out back in October that husband had had a full blown affair that lasted 2 months, 2 years previously. He came to his senses and ended it and quite his job but never told me. So when I found out I said it was over etc. But literally a few days later my dad had a heart attack and was seriously ill. I focussed on him and if I'm honest turned to my husband for support. After Xmas my dad was a lot better and I realised I couldn't stay in this marriage. Today we told the kids. It was the worst experience of my life. The eldest balled his eyes and begged us uncontrollably to stay together. I'm broken, honestly in bits, to the point where I'm considering changing my mind and trying to fix my marriage. Please help. I am doing the right thing? I've broken my little boy's heart and I can't cope 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Jackeroosmum · 29/02/2020 18:23

Should say married 10!

OP posts:
Techway · 29/02/2020 18:33

When we told our dc my youngest reacted so terribly that it was the worst day of my life. It haunted me but after a while he was ok. I think if the DC have no idea the marriage is in trouble then they are hit by the shock.

A few years down the line my DC are fully aware of why I divorced, since Ex doesn't behave well to them, but in your case you may not choose to tell them, which is understandable.

They will recover but I completely understand why you feel as you do. None us want to hurt our children but your husband seems incapable of fidelity so you shouldn't tolerate a life with him, for their sake. He has caused this.

Has he at least felt guilty and will he be amicable in the break up. They say it is the hostility that causes the harm for children, rather than the actual divorce. I would agree with this.

My dc are thriving, sad at times, because we can parent cooperatively but that was due to Ex's aggression so I have to be nc with him.

Gadgnkk · 29/02/2020 18:36

Your bastard husband broke your little boy's heart, not you. Regardless of what you decide to do, you should not feel resonsible for this. You were dealing with a sick baby and he was out shagging.

Original poster
Jackeroosmum · 29/02/2020 18:37

Thank you. That's really helpful. Yes we are amicable and husband feels so guilty in actually a bit worried. No I don't think I will tell the children why, not until they are a lot lot older if they ask. At the moment we have said we care about each other but don't want to live together

OP posts:
DingleberryRose · 29/02/2020 18:42

From the sounds of it it’s YEARS overdue! They’ll adjust.

TDMN · 29/02/2020 18:43

Oh OP - didnt want to read and run. My younger brother (10 at the time) had an identical reaction to our parents announcing they were separating. It will be rubbish for a bit but you will not regret this. Your children should not have their standards for relationships set by a cheating dad resulting in an unhappy mum. They deserve better. YOU deserve better. Your love for your kids shines through this - it will be tough but you will make it through. Just take it a day at a time. You are doing the right thing. He is upset now because he doesnt know any different, same as my brother, but 20 years later and we'd both be appalled if our parents got back together as they are deeply incompatible. Is there anyone in real life who has been through divorce with kids you could chat to?

LatentPhase · 29/02/2020 18:49

When I told my dc I felt my heart literally break. It was the most awful moment of my life.

Seven years on they have accepted it and are thriving. I’m so glad I divorced him.

Your divorce has been a long time coming. You can’t ‘work on your marriage’ with a man who can’t keep it in his pants. The failure of your marriage is on him. Good that he is nervous. Hopefully this bodes well for lack of friction. For the kids that’s what really counts.

The worst bit with your dc is now over,
I expect. Just focus on you and then. Treat yourselves gently.

BrewCake this too shall pass.

Well done for making a good decision about your future. Divorces is always hard, but things will come right.

Nighttimefreedom · 29/02/2020 18:50

My littlest reacted the same and as a PP says, was one of the worst day of my lives.
They are afraid of what they don't know and can't understand the complexities of adult relationships.
React calmly, and be consistent. They will be ok.

Nighttimefreedom · 29/02/2020 18:51
  • life, I'm not a cat.
carly2803 · 29/02/2020 19:11

they will be okay. Yous husband was the one that hurt your kids.

dont even think about "repairing this" as there is literally nothing to repair. He wont ever stop cheating, they dont change

Original poster
Jackeroosmum · 29/02/2020 19:11

Thank you all. Honestly welling up reading all your messages of support. It means so much x

OP posts:
notthemum · 29/02/2020 19:20

So sorry. I don't have any advice, just wanted to offer you a bit of support. Take care of yourself 💐.

mamamiaow · 01/03/2020 09:20

OP I feel your pain. Same here with a 9 year old, it's heartbreaking. She has questioned it endlessly because she doesn't know the whole story (cheating father). She knows something isn't right but takes it out on me rather than him -"If you love me, why did you split up with dad".

Have you informed the school? Can you arrange some help via them, mine has joined a group for loss/separation. I found it quite overwhelming to try and support her pain and confusion when I was in pain and confused myself.

You are doing the right thing, remember this. What message are you giving your children if you tolerate this kind of behaviour? It will not change. Make a list on your phone of all the things he did that made you feel awful so you can read it over when you feel that you're doing the wrong thing.

You are not alone. It's still early days. Ultimately we all will be happier, it will take time but you will get through this and it will be the best decision you made. Make yourself and the kids the priority now xxx

2018anewstart · 01/03/2020 22:59

The day me and my husband broke up. My daughter sobbed. It literally broke my heart. 3 months later I took him back mainly due to wanting to be a family unit again. 18 months later I kicked him out again ( all cheating related) Me and the kids are happier than ever. We have this amazing bond. My daughter now says it is so much more relaxed without daddy here. I feel proud to say I'm a single parent knowing I've done it all alone. I now think it doesn't matter if you are a family of 2 , 3 or 4. What matters is that you are a happy family. Your children will adjust and as long as they have lots of love around them they will be happy ( as will you )

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