Withdrawing police complaint

[Vickyglitz]

I made a police complaint regarding coercive controlling behaviour / DV by husband. Can I withdraw this? A case officer has been assigned but I really don't want them to speak to him at this stage, as it would jeopardize things. They said they can't promise they won't speak to him.

Your child is far more likely to be taken into care if you remain in an abusive relationship than if you leave it (thus protecting your child). He sounds truly horrible, you'd really be far better off without him.

I just don't want my kid to be taken into care or anything like that! Or is that only in extreme cases?

Your kids won't be taken into care unless they remain in an abusive household (which they currently are) and you are not seen as able to protect them, which by staying you're not.

He is not a good father. Good fathers encourage respect and tolerance and lead by example. Reading them bedtime stories and playing with them isn't enough to make someone a good parent.

Op I don't know how long you have thought he is abusive but for me it had crept in slowly over the years and I felt like a frog in a pot of water than didn't notice it was boiling. It was only when others told me it was abuse I actually recognised it. It genuinely came as a shock to me as I just thought he was difficult. I recognise that this might be hard to work through but he will only get worse. Lean on as much support as you can but no-one can make you leave until you are ready.

@happygirl79 he has just now after a lot of begging and pleading signed nursery consent forms. I really wanted to send my daughter to this great preschool. If I leave him he will definitely revoke this consent. We live in the UK and this is a nursery which will support the second (minority) language learning for my daughter. That's my mother tongue. My husband says it isn't important for her to speak my mother tongue and he won't agree to send her there if I file papers.

@ednathevilwitch I also thought he was just difficult at first. Can you give examples please of behaviour

Do you want your child growing up thinking this is normal? That this is how a woman deserves to be treated? Staying is teaching them exactly that.
If you have to teach your child a second language at home surely that's better than them growing up seeing mum get pushed around and belittled.
You need a solicitor and start thinking about an occupation order otherwise you have a lifetime of this.

Once she’s enrolled, he can’t withdraw his consent. Hand the forms into the nursery this afternoon and then go to the police on the way home!

@clangus00 - I am not sure that's how it works otherwise no child can ever be taken out of nursery!

OP, I understand how scary the prospect of leaving your husband is. You don't have to take hasty decisions. But it's likely that just as you needed two signatures to enrol your DD in nursery, so you would need two signatures to withdraw her. That isn't a valid reason for staying.

You don't in fact have a valid reason for staying in this abusive marriage. You may think you can protect your child, but you can't. By taking him back and staying, you are damaging her. He will keep on abusing and controlling you. And he will turn his viciousness on her when she finds her voice. Men like him hate women and will not let them have freedom and independence. Is that what you want? Think hard about your child's future and what you want it to be. By all means take time. But there is more to life than married misery. Take it from one who knows.

@atr79gb. I reported abuse to the police in Shropshire and in all honesty they have basically said that there is very little they can do and I should of called the police on the day it was happening.
I have photographs of a black eye and bank statements showing financial abuse but they are not interested.

A good dd doesn't abuse their dm.
Which he is.
Your dc will think this is a normal relationship and learn from it.
Not good.
See a solicitor and file for divorce..

You are setting your daughter a very poor example by staying with him. Deny all you want, but if she hasn’t already (subconsciously) picked up on his behaviour, she will 100% when she is a bit older and resent you forever for keeping her in this situation. You are her mother and you need to keep her away from this abusive twat. Cleaning the toilet with your clothes?!?!?

My mother always thought she was doing the best by us by staying with my father. Your husband’s behaviour sounds very similar to my father’s. I will resent her forever for it.

So what will you do when your child gets older and he starts treating then the way he treats you? He is abusive he is controlling and using threats to keep you in his control, saying he will withdraw consent for nursery is you don't do as you're told is abuse not only to you but controlling your child who you say he is a good father to, a good father would want the best for the child not use it to control you!

Just to update everyone, we started counselling but I don't think it's going anywhere. I've got my divorce petition out. When I had my first session with the counselor, and I told her everything from start to finish, I realized - why am I even trying.

When I gave birth, after a traumatic 72 hour labour, episiotomy, failed epidural and hematoma, then struggled with breastfeeding and cried for hours trying to perfect the latch, he yelled at me for being a drama queen and putting everyone on edge (my parents were there and they didn't even say I was putting them on edge). He also blames me for missing the child's birth as I sent him home for my makeup bc doctor said I'd give birth only in the morning, and one expected it to happen as soon as he'd left to get my stuff. Anyway, I've realized he is just generally a gaslighter and an abuser.