50-50 childcare resources

[GlassOfProsecco]

Does anyone have links to information/resources on 50-50 childcare?

My STBEx wants to do 50/50 but hasn't a clue.

Rather than endless discussions about having to do packed lunches on "his" days, are there any resources /links/guides I could pass on to him which would explain?

What do you mean by 'hasn't a clue'?

I'd just tell him to think about what he'd do if he had your child full time because you were no longer around. That's what he'd need to do having the child 50/50.

I've tried that!

I've been the primary carer till now, so have told him he needs to pick up the kids & drop them off on his days. Which he is doing badly/late.

We are still living under the same roof until the house is on the market & sold.

So he isn't stepping up.

Today I had to remind him that they need packed lunches.

I am fed up trying to manage him.

I want to pass on some information about his responsibilities & leave him to it.

Is there no way that you can go away for a week and totally leave him to it? He won't ever get his head around all the mental load if you're still doing all the thinking and worrying about the kids.

Unfortunately not, I work full-time & they are both in school so it can't be done.

He just never steps up. Never has done (part of the reason we are splitting up). He has stayed he wants 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance but has no idea what this means.

In that case @GlassOfProsecco I think it will remain an issue until you live apart completely. I agree that going away for a week during term time would let him see what's nvilved in looking after the children, but please don't make this a battle at the moment in front of them.
I suggest sitting down together and drawing up a weekly plan of what needs doing and who needs to do it. Remind him that when the dc are late for school it really impacts on them, children hate getting to school late! Same with forgetting packed lunches.

By the going away, we mean just you. Can you stop with a friend for a week? It needs to be done during term time so he experiences the whole school run thing!!!

Could you go to an air b&b or suchlike and leave him to it for a week?
He won’t learn with you around to remind & encourage him, sorry if that’s harsh.

Do not engage, justify or explain.
You don't have to persuade him of anything.
Just tell him that you disagree with 50-50 because it's clearly not in the best interests of the children.
Get a good solicitor if you haven't already.

How much of this is that you are just doing it for him. Tbh my ex never did those things when I was there to do them. He does fine at 50/50 now. Just find a friend or an Airbnb. Anything. Just go for a week without the kids or him. You can do it but it feels like you haven't got your head around it.

Just thought I'd share my experience.

My ex also was the one who insisted on 50:50 - the decision to agree to this took its toll on me by i knew I had no real reason to object.
I understand your concern about him not "having a clue" my ex didn't either as I'd always done all the childcare and I had real worries the kids would suffer.
Fast forward 2 years and we're now doing the 50:50, it wasn't easy at first as I wanted to know exactly what was happening every minute they were not with me - and I was constantly worried my ex would forget things (and he did sometimes) However you have to learn that you will not micro-manage him anymore - and he will have to find his own way in his half of the childcare (and you can guarantee it wont be how you would do things) However - you will all learn to "muddle along".

Life will go on and things will settle - although I know it doesn't seem like that now. Good Luck

Setting aside whether 50/50 is the right option for your children...

Step away.

He’s not a child himself! Why are you looking for resources?! He knows exactly what needs to be done, but he can’t be bothered to do it. You’re leaving him because of that, remember? There is no resource out there that says: “divorced fathers! Pro tip: if your child has packed lunch, make them a packed lunch!”

He’ll be magically more competent when you’re not there, trust me.

Even if not 50/50, he’ll still have to parent them alone on whatever days he does have them.

For now, leave him to it. And make a diary of every time he takes them late / without lunch - if your solicitor thinks that will help with a case against 50/50. I don’t know if it would though.

Make a weekly planner list: brush teeth, packed lunch, PE kit, practise for spelling test... all the regularly stuff. Stick it on the fridge. Leave him to it. If you get a call from the school saying “no lunch”, tell them to call their dad and they’re with him today. Is he actually sending them out of the door without lunch - or is he “forgetting” so that you step in and make it?

I think he'll only learn once you live apart and he's forced to think about stuff like World Book Days, practicing times tables and booking school holiday childcare without you prompting him.

@Ellisandra - he is just effing useless!

Yes., I am keeping a diary as I think 1 night during the school week & EOW would work better.

He has been late getting to work almost every day this week as he can't get them out in the morning.

Totally useless.

Just wanting 50/50 to avoid maintenance

But that is good isn't it. His boss won't like it and he may rethink where he wouldn't for you when the cost of losing the hob is more than that of maintenance...

He's a high earner & on redundancy consultation- it sounds awful but it would be best if he lost his job & the house will be sold. I can move on without his constant shite.

You haven’t quite reached disengage, which is understand!
But honestly - so what if he’s late for work? You should neither know nor care about that. He’s not your husband 🤷🏻‍♀️
(well, pending paperwork 😉)

He's on childcare drop off tomorrow & I'm not sure if he's arranged school breakfast club places.

Not my problem though

Poor kids though.