Don’t want to hurt my boys

[G121]

I posted this in a different section, but someone suggested I move it to here. I hope you can give me some advice.

I have been with my husband since we were 18. Got married after 10years together and have got two great boys, aged 10 and 14. We are in our mid forties. Communication has never been easy as he doesn’t like to talk about feelings and problems. If we ever have a row, he will be happy to stop talking to me weeks on end, rather than talk about what caused the issue and over the years I have ended up apologising for arguments that are not even my fault to diffuse the tension. He has not had a good childhood either and his parents have lied and hidden things from him which has affected him.

Anyway he went away with his friends three months ago. One of his friends is having an affair with a girl abroad and she bought a group of friends to a club they were at and my husband got friendly with her. I found this out while he was drunk and talking loudly to his friends while I was upstairs.

He is in constant contact with her by phone and has said that talking to someone who doesn’t know him takes him away from the issues he has in his head. She’s abroad and he thinks I’m unreasonable to think he can’t have a female friend. He says there’s nothing going on but I do think it’s natural to become connected to someone without having sex with them. Anyway I have tried to get our marriage back on track, but feel he has made no effort at all. I told him last week that I’m going to be moving out on the weekend to give us some space to decide if we want to make it work or walk away.

Yesterday he said he is would move out for now. He said it would be better for the boys if I stayed as they are more reliant on me and would help them to stay in their own home. I’m not sure if I’m upset or relieved but we are going round and round in vicious circles. I’m accusing him and he’s denying everything. There has been a total breakdown in trust and communication. Its creating arguments and I’m worried we will end up hating each other. I think deep down we are ready to walk and feel this need for ‘space’ is the first step to a permanent split. Although he has not said this.

The most important question for me now is how do I tell my poor children that their dad is leaving? What is the best way to say it? They have no idea that we are having any problems as we try to stay friendly in front of them. I feel so damaged by all this. They are going to be devastated. Would appreciate some advice.

Hugs, it’ll be ok.
It’s not your mess, let him tell the children. I’m sure they know something isn’t right, you don’t spend weeks being ignored and nobody else not notice.
Get your ducks in a row and gather your friends around.

Are you alright @G121?

Just be vague at the moment until you have time to process the available information. Sometimes all is not what it seems. There is no point in talking about the unknown.

Stay strong ❤️

Thank you for your messages. I’m far from ok. Feeling completely confused about how to take this forward and I feel this enormous sense of guilt that I will not be able to protect my boys from the hurt I have been feeling over the years. When it was just me suffering, it seemed manageable. Once we put this out there, it’s out and they will feel so much more pain than me. I just don’t know how we will start the conversation. He’s looking for a place to rent so it will be a few weeks but there is a cloud hanging over my head and I’m feeling extremely sad and anxious right now.

Marriages aren’t always forever. Parents are. My view (not a parent but a child of divorced parents and a step parent) is that the best things you can do for your boys are:

1. make sure they know that you love them and that the decision to split has nothing to do with them (let’s hope their dad fires this too)
2. don’t slag their dad off or give them too much detail about the split. Remember that, regardless of how you feel about him, your boys love their dad and it’s important that their love for him isn’t brought into question.
3. do whatever you can now to work with their dad on how you will co-parent. Get professional help if necessary - I think this is often overlooked but it’s every bit as important as sorting out the finances.

Good luck. Your boys will be ok...

You’re doing the right thing OP. It may temporarily upset your children but long term it’s in their best interests. Children who grow up in unhappy homes have a habit of repeating the same problems in their adult relationships and you don’t want them living with someone who ignores them for weeks at a time and won’t admit when they’re in the wrong. It’s emotional abuse and you’re teaching your children it shouldn’t be tolerated. I would just tell them that you and your husband aren’t getting along, it would be best for you both if you don’t live together anymore and you both still love them lots. This female from abroad isn’t a friend so don’t let him make you feel guilty about questioning their relationship. She’s a love interest he’s created an intimate relationship with. Just because they may have not had sex yet doesn’t make it okay and you don’t need proof of cheating to know it’s going on. Trust your gut instincts. It’s good he’s agreed to move out but be prepared for things to get very difficult between you. He’s no longer on your side and you’ll need lots of support from friends and family. Remember he’ll never change and as tough as things are at the moment, a year or two down the line, your life will be better. X

Could you tell them he has to go away for work? Lots of kids have parents who work away through the week etc. Yes, you’re not being totally honest with them but they are children and do not to be exposed to adult problems/ adult relationship issues