Scared to lose everything

[TomPettysTopHat]

DH has always threatened he would go for full custody if we divorced, his reasoning is that he's always paid the mortgage/bills - which he has, I gave up my career to care for the children full time and whilst I've always worked it was only a weekend job paying peanuts.

I don't think I want to continue in the marriage but I am scared he will wipe the floor with me. I've gone back to work but he earns 4 x what I do (I'm only part-time), and he's right when he says he could afford to run the house without me. This doesn't seem right when I've put everything into raising the family.

How do women manage to do this? I can't 'just leave' - I don't earn enough! I couldn't even afford to rent a two bedroom flat where we live, it would cost more than the mortgage does. We have about 160K equity in the house but we couldn't both get mortgages on that. Well he would, but I wouldn't even be able to buy a one bed. I feel trapped

So when you divorce your relative earnings and childcare will be taken into account. You have reduced your earnings capability by looking after the children full time and this will be recognised. You would in all likelihood get the majority of the assets because of this. Courts would look to take his mortgage raising capability and see if both parties can be adequately housed. It is likely your standard of living would decline with divorce (as would his) - it's just a natural consequence of running two households.

He wont get custody of the children so dont worry about that, and he would have to show a very flexible working pattern to go for something like equal shared care, assuming he wants that (is he hands on and competent dad at the moment?). Bear in mind equal shared care implies no child maintenance.

You would probably do well to take half hour with a solicitor to discuss, many do a free initial consultation. You need to also think about other assets that might be in play such as pensions, as they can be very valuable, and other things such as investments and savings. Good luck.

Agree with PP
But you’ll likely be expected to increase your own earning potential too eg by returning full time
They will also consider length of marriage and ages of children too

He's reasonably hands on but has more flexibility in school holidays (he's a teacher) - in term time he has little to no flexibility. I deal with pretty much everything to do with the DCs. So to my mind it isn't credible that he would manage as primary carer.

@millymollymoomoo I'm part time but looking for full time - in fact was on course to increase to full time hours until recently but it fell through at the last minute. I'm looking though - I'm quite happy to increase to full time.

I fully expect to live on less given the circs. He has a teacher's pension paid into for the last 15 years or so. I've only been in my job about 4 months so my pension is tiny obviously.

You definitely need to bring the teachers pension in. That could be worth the same or more than house

IMO you will ring the bell with his teacher's pension (which are ridiculously generous). He will need to provide what is called a CETV (please see www.teacherspensions.co.uk/employers/advising-members/life-events/divorce.aspx for more) as part of the financial settlement... dont be surprised if this valuw isn't more than your other shared assets combined.

I was in the same situation.

Once the finances were all laid open to the solicitors i.e house equity, pensions, savings etc... l ended up keeping my small pension and getting the family home as his public sector pension was very large!

Also look at benefits that you can claim. I didn't realise l could and was shocked when l realised l could.

You won’t lose everything. Housing the children is the first priority. So assuming they live with you for the majority of the time, you’d want to remain in the house, especially if getting your own mortgage isn’t a realistic option.

Perhaps the a good outcome you could hope for is you keep the house, he keep his pension.