Want a divorce but terrified

[Tillyfloss1]

Married nearly 3 years with a 16 month old baby. My relationship with my husband is miserable. Things have been difficult since my baby has been born. She still doesn't sleep through and we have no family support on either side. Quite frankly, my husband does not pull his weight. The cumulative lack of sleep over 16 months has taken its toll on me. I do 99% of night times and I am now back at work 4 days a week. He is vile to me and there are a lot of rows. I do not want my daughter to grow up in this environment. I know the relationship is over. However, I am terrified about getting a divorce. I know he will be difficult, I am worried about finances and I cannot bear the thought of my daughter not being with me everyday in a shared custody arrangement. Can anyone offer any encouragement at all. I feel so incredibly desperate and that I have failed my baby girl. She is so gorgeous and happy and I feel so so guilty about the mess I am in and that she might suffer because of it. If it wasn't for her I would have nothing. I would do anything for her and my gut tells me I need to do this sooner rather than later but I just feel trapped.

You can do this.
Can you take some annual leave and go see your family, without him?
I would look into relocating closer to your family. Drop to 2 days a week till you get the 30h free childcare.

What we all found is that the biggest burden hasn’t been the financial aspect, the biggest burden has always been the husband.

Sleep deprivation will be affecting everything. Do you have a supportive family who are just far away or are they not in your life completely or even deceased?
Is there anyone who you can go to who might have your daughter just for a weekend or something to let you literally sleep for that time? The baby years are hard particularly if you don't have a supportive partner.
Does your employer know what is going on? Probably worth telling them and at least seeing if there is any employee assistance available.
Is there anything in your routine making it worse? When my youngest was a baby, I worked twilight shifts to minimise any childcare need as neither of us had local family and working days was going to be hardly worth it after childcare. Exh would have DD and DS in the evening after work. She had been a good sleeper til the day I went back to work. It was several months before my DS grassed him up that he was literally taking her at 5:30pm and putting her straight in the cot to sleep. I came in at midnight and rarely got more than an hour or two before she was awake ready to play - not because she was an awful sleeper but because she had had 8 hours by then 🙄. Of course then it was down to me because I was home and he would sleep through, even kick off that I got back into bed with cold feet... Ended up with a spare duvet on her floor...
Kids are pretty resilient. She will soon get used to a new routine, particularly as at that age she won't really remember any different.

Just don't leave it. Talk to him if you can. Talk to family and friends if you want. Look at a way forward. Just don't keep saying it will get better. It may do but less likely unless you plan to take control.

Well done for choosing not to stay in that relationship. If you stayed you would 'model' a poor relationship in your daughters eyes and she would go on to replicate what you have. Now you are going to show her 'happy mummy' and be the best mum by not not being dragged down by hubby. Will he be responsible and decent with her? If not don't let him have her overnight. Good luck op, I'm in a similar position, it's daunting but no way should anyone be this miserable. Get legal advice, find the best divorce lawyer so you get the best deal for you and your daughter.