Separation and children

[paris100]

We’ve recently separated and STBXH has moved out which I’m quite happy about and is laying maintenance. He sees the children regularly and we are trying to be amicable and the children stay over with him sometimes once during the weekend and every 2nd weekend.
I just wondered though how other people manage this though. When they go to him, I pack for them, make sure they’ve eaten if staying during the week, make sure all homework is done etc. When they return home, I’m handed a bag of clothes to unpack and wash.

I just feel that he gets to do all the ‘fun’ stuff with them and I’m organising them, washing and ironing etc etc.

Is this how other people do it?

Paying not laying

Sending sympathies... I have the same problem.
I split up with my husband last June. It was my choice and he left the house. He pays regularly but it isn’t amicable at all as he is just so angry with me. We have finally resolved the childcare situation which lasted a long time and was mentally breaking for me. He does all of the ‘fun stuff’ too then hands over a bag of dirty washing. It’s so frustrating. The general day to day shit is all my responsibility, the school runs, packed lunches, clubs, homework etc etc.. as well as holding down a full time job. They see me as always nagging them to do things but we are also in the throws of moving house so I can’t manage everything alone...
I really do feel for you, and I hope this isn’t always how it is.

Thanks for replying. What you describe is totally what I mean. I’m trying to hold it all together, whilst working and the children see me as just nagging about things...homework, being places on time etc. I picked them up from his house yesterday to be greeted by a bag of dirty washing and another of damp clothing which he’d washed but didn’t dry. There must surely be an easier way of doing this.

Yes you tell him to provide what they need at his house and to parent them fully...

You are enabling him to not step up.

I had this and still do but to a lesser extent now. I don't provide any clothing whilst the DCs are with my ex, only school uniform which comes back dirty/damp/covered in animal hair.

I had that. I tried not sending clothes but found my (then) 6yo trying to pack his own bag because he said daddy made him wear “bad” clothes - stuff that didn’t fit.
I just accepted that his dad is useless and I’d rather support my ds.
Ds is 11 now and packs his own bag, puts his clothes in the laundry basket etc.

At least he won’t grow up incapable as well

I think this is one of the problems with such an infrequent contact arrangement - inevitably, the children end up being visitors to his house rather than having two equal homes and parents and the relationship dynamic reflects that.

Ideally, he should take responsibility for everything whilst they’re with him, and he should have clothes for them at his house and keep the clothes they’ve worn with him at his, wash them and then they become the outfits they wear next time they’re with him. You need to tell him what the expectation is and then stop providing a packed back and receiving it back again to wash.

I think however galling it is you have to do what is best for the children

Remember this stage of your life won't last forever and in my experience as they become young adults they will recognise who did the most for them and they'll be closer to you as a result

Another one here. My STBXH has them one night a week. Now I've returned to work I've begged him to get a bigger flat so our children can at least have their own room instead of one staying on the sofa.

I gave him a bunch of stuff to leave at this flat - toothbrushes, hairbrushes, pyjamas - so at least the basics are there and I don't have to pack that every weekend. It's just clothes and a couple of books. If I'm lucky he might even wash the odd thing but only if they stay more than one night.

He doesn't do any life admin for the children whatsoever - I do everything for them. My eldest already knows who has her back despite his fun Dad act. My youngest won't be that far behind. Play the long game and do the best for the kids, whether that means packing those things or not. It's not ideal but it will save you from just endlessly being pissed off with him.

They will know though, once they're older and have to do all this stuff themselves, just how much you've done for them.

Thank you all, I hope that when they’re older they’ll realise I was doing it all for them instead of merely nagging them!

It is worth bringing up to your Ex that he needs to parent them! Give him the opportunity to step up...

I agree with the previous poster who said he should be providing everything however I decided life is too short to argue over a small issue so I packed up a selection of ds’s clothes and bought an extra uniform and gave them to exdh. It’s worked extremely well since and he has replaced items as they have been outgrown, much easier than providing everything everyone they go and stay.

Hi, I am in the very early stages of navigating this. H is now living with his parents and I am currently frustrated that I bought extra Calpol for our DD to keep at his parents (she is prone to pain so it's handy to have a supply). Despite me saying it's for there, it keeps coming back in her bag each weekend, so I have to keep packing it over and over!
I do realise that I am enabling him at the moment in terms of providing stuff (and I also get a bag of dirty clothes) however given the current set-up I am concerned his mum will end up doing the washing etc, and it's certainly not her job!
In terms of 'fun dad' situation I have no solution, but agree with other posters that they will see down the line what you have provided and done for them. I don't know how old your children are, but I have started giving H our Dd's reading book and planner at the weekend and explained I think it would be great if he could hear her read and write comments in her planner too. He has actually done this so far (again I have to facilitate by packing the books and reminding him) but it shows our DD that he is going to be involved in the school stuff even if not in the family home.

Fuck that shit. If he has the kids he can have a wardrobe for them at his place and he feeds them and does homework etc. He’s a parent too, not a play date.

Ideally (especially for weekends) he buys and keeps clothes at his house and it just circulates bar special occasion clothes. School uniform is trickier but some spares is a good idea. He should provide everything whilst he has them

I have recently renegotiated contact time so that exh has to have dd one night during the week. Previously it's always been on time off however I have to work, do all life admin for her and facilitate clubs etc. So only fair that he should have to facilitate at least one night per week after work. Hoping it will give a greater appreciation of what I do.

Agree with others though your children will come to realise your value and exactly how much you do for them.

XH has everything DD needs at his house, we just have to organise school uniform but got into a rhythm quite early on - but both of us prioritised DDs needs over our feelings about each other, not always easy done!