Advice re working arrangements

[Isitbedtimeyet10]

So the subject of separation has come around. To be honest it's been a long time coming.
DH works away Mon-Fri and has done for many years. We have two DDs, I work part time. The working away has definitely played a part in the deterioration of the marriage.
So today I've said that should we separate, he can no longer work away. And of course he is outraged, can see no wrong in him working away as I'll have the weekends to myself so can't see the problem.
My request for him to get a 'normal' job comes from the fact I think we should share parenting if we are separated. Share parents evenings, share after school things etc etc. Why should I still be bearing the brunt through the week with no back up, just to have the weekends kicking my heels. Am I wrong in saying that I may want the option to have some sort of life through the week, maybe meet friends etc, while the DDs for example have tea at their dads?
Thoughts please, am I out of order ?

Not out of order but why has it been left to now if it’s caused the end of your marriage?

Shared parenting is going to mean that he’ll need to either sort childcare or actually parent his own children and take some responsibility for their welfare

Will you be working full time outside the home?

I've mentioned many times I would rather he stopped working away, he knows I would like to have more of a life through the week but always plays the money card. In my mind if we separated then it's change for everyone and he must also take responsibility rather than swanning around with his head in the sand. We will both have to manage new budgets and I don't see why this should just apply to me.
I often feel like I have far too much on my plate, it does all feel too much, and I would massively resent him if he carried on working away. Which would of course not make for an easy separation.

And yes I would probably increase my hours if I had some sort of back up. But of course he probably wouldn't make school pick up times etc, so that would no doubt still fall to me.
I can see many excuses for him to use against him not working away.

You are not out of order to have the expectation. The problem is that you have no means to impose more access than he wants on him. Even if he was the primary career it would his business if he employed a nanny when he is away.

Unfortunately for him it isn’t that simple, if you now are looking at divorce you have a lot of catching up to do career and pension wise etc and he’ll need to take on his share of parenting

You’re not their to facilitate his career etc any more, he needs to do that and juggle child rearing, sick days on his schedule

LemonTt then so be it if he employs a nanny etc, but as a parent he needs to step up, I dare say hell not want to say goodbye to a bigger part of his pension pot of a larger share of capital

He won't want to say goodbye to a lot of things, the salary, the freedom and lack of responsibility. He has become an incredibly self centred person due to spending so much time away from the family home, and this will be the battle I face if I continue with this argument. But I'm 44 and frazzled. I work 30 hours across five days and also do every aspect of the Mon-Fri family life. I can't let this continue once we separate.

You can’t “make” him have the children any more than he wants to.
If he wants just EOW then that’s what the courts will award him, especially if that’s his established work pattern.
Sorry.

Don't be sorry for advising! But 'make' him have the DDs and requesting he 'parent' I think are two different things.

I know, but if he chooses to be an arsehole not to parent like that, then there’s absolutely nothing you can do.

This may not be the case for you but I'm now separated two years, while we were together I did everything with dc, worked two jobs & all the house jobs, family admin etc, when he moved out he stepped up to being a dad & has the dc two evenings until 8pm and one until 6pm & does his share of weekends too.

We'll be financially separate in next few weeks as family home is sold, I've taken the brunt of all household bills since he moved out, with no explanation for the drop in his contribution to the bills.
Maintenance & divide of house proceeds have yet to be sorted out.

Please don’t be swayed by the idea that if he “agrees” to more access he can have a bigger share of assets. It probably won’t make any difference and he can revert to eow if he wants. You will be worse off in terms of capital share and still have the children.

In all likelihood he will get a share of assets based on his needs. That’s won’t be impacted by how much see says he will see the children.

Divorce can make some men better fathers but for most it allows them to have a dedicated working life uninterrupted by family life, except at the weekend. Something that CMS makes affordable for them.

I don't think for one minute he will even look for a job nearer home. But one aspect in my favour is if he wants his share of the equity sooner rather than later then that means remortgaging, which means me increasing my hours/salary. And this can't be done without back up.
I really don't know how this is going to play out, I just wanted to sound out whether i was unreasonable. But then again, will he be sounding out whether he is unreasonable to not play daddy all week. I highly doubt it.

YABU. You don't get any say in what job he takes if you're separated. Surely people don't expect an ex to give up their job in these circumstances?

Ok, so do I get similar free reign in my job hunt, shall I pop off to a Premier Inn a couple of nights a week? I think you may be a little out of order. Kids = responsibility.

Motherifdragons

If the parents job doesn’t fit with children then it needs to be changed, as op states children = responsibility.

Being a single parent often means changes

I worked evening shift when I separated, no child care available so unfortunately I had to give up my work and find alternative- it’s what comes with being a parent

Have you thought of suggesting that you all move to where he works? To me that seems an equally good solution to get what you want. He doesn't have to look for a new job. Obviously if he still balls at the idea, it may suggest a different problem...

I think the years of working away have caused damage and we've both changed. There isn't enough between us to consider uprooting everyone. Which is sad.

And why should an entire family be uprooted, for one person's job? It's a massive upheaval, involving changing schools, possibly away from family, losing friends?

I feel for you, OP, but it doesn't sound like he's going to change anything. Could you use the maintenance to pay for some extra childcare? Or is there neighbours/friends who would babysit a night a week so you can get out?

I totally agree, he isn't going to change his work at all. So yes, while he's away and earning a huge income, I should look at alternatives. A hard pill to swallow but I can see this will be the reality. So very very unfair.

Ps be careful what you wish for.

My STBX, having hardly done any day-to-day parenting in his life, has now decided he's dad of the year & wants to do 50-50 (probably to avoid maintenance).

I've always been the primary carer & it's heartbreaking the thought of not having my DC around half the time.