Ex contact with DD

[Number21]

My ex and I have been separated for 8 months and we share a 15 month old DD. After much pushing I have finally got him having contact with her without me present, however on each occasion his parents have been. As he is living a 90 minute drive away he sees her once a week.

Anyway I had asked him to have a think about what contact he wanted to have with DD, he told me he had and would send an email outlining it all and I made it clear I thought it would be best to work up to full days and implementing overnights from 2years as up until the new year he hadn’t spent more than 3 hours with her and I had a few safety concerns. So off he went on Sunday it then took him 4 days to get back to me with just a figure that he would pay for maintenance. That ok but I notice it was based on him having her overnight, so I asked him about this, he told me he would be having her overnight from February or March but he isn’t prepared to wait much longer. I’ve gone back to him and said she is breastfed, doesn’t see him often enough and she isn’t familiar with his flat so wouldn’t be in her best interest, he of course disagreed and so I therefore suggested mediation.

Since then at hand overs he’ll bully me and get quite aggressive because he wants to talk about it face to face, problem I have is he is manipulative and a abusive bully, it’s why we separated and therefore want to keep communication on email. So I was wondering if I should a) keep handovers at the door. B) get the ball rolling on mediation? C) he is also always at least 40 minutes late for pick ups, at what point do I just go about my day?. Lastly do you think the level of contact I’m suggesting is unreasonable and asking him to wait till she is 2 for overnights?

Sorry for the ramble I am just stressed and at the end of my tether.

Hi OP, I think you are being reasonable with a) and b), and c) if he's more than an hour late. But I think his suggestion of overnights in a couple of months time, when she is 17 months old, is reasonable unless you have a good reason why not. Maybe follow up with this at mediation?

Personally I dont see the need to wait until she is 2. Why is he only having 3 hours at s time now ?

Thanks @mandarinfish. My concern is the safety issues that have come up in the past and also the fact that on more than one occasion dd has come back hungry and cold after I’ve specifically told him she’d need feeding. In the past he has made comments about feeding her less and I just want her to be at an age where she can better communicate what’s happened. This is a man who won’t let her drink anything but tap water even if it means her getting dehydrated or having her fall off the sofa into coffee, luckily it was cold. The issues go further back as well. That’s why I’m happy that his parents come with him too although they have their own issues but at least she is safe.

I did ask for him to take parenting classes, that didn’t go down well.

Imo she will be no safer with him next year than now.
A bully you say? And you want dd to see him why? Dna isn't a reason to risk neglect imo. Let a judge deem him a fit df.

@whynosnowyet, from the things he has done and said I do wonder if I should just go straight to court as I do worry about her safety. But I also worry if I refuse contact that he’ll say it’s not been and issue before. I’ve got texts from him saying he’ll slap dd up, I’ve heard him say it to her even if he says he is joking. So I do have quite a bit of evidence but I also want dd to Build a relationship with her dad.

@millymollymoomoo, the 3 hours are his choice, he emailed me saying he wanted her from 12 - 4 but gets here late and drops her off early

He has had supervision via his dps though. Keep all texts /timeline of when he has had dd etc.
He can't demand you stop bf.

If he’s a safety concern I wouldn’t be letting him have her at all I supervised

If he's trying to talk to you face-to-face at handovers get a family member or close friend to accompany you. If that still continues then get them to do the actual handover bit with you standing a few metres back to observe.

The majority of people behave when there are witnesses to their behaviour.

@millymollymoomoo, do you mean you wouldn’t let him see her unsupervised?

@ColaFreezePop, this behave is in front of my sisters and mum, he is very aggressive in the way he speaks to me even while they’re there. Perhaps I need to get a male family member to be present.

In terms of my safety concerns as I said her falling into coffee from the sofa, he left he unattended at 5 months old on our bed while she was able to roll over. At 5 weeks old left up unsupported on a sofa.. she slipped down the sofa arm! When he was told how dangerous this was he laughed. Ripping nappies off her and getting angry when she was 2months Bruises from where he was allowed her to attempt to crawl out the bath. And again with the basics, her being left cold and hungry even if it was for 2hours. At first I put it down to inexperience so would try and calmly talk him through things but then realised he just didn’t care. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure if something serious happened he’d feel bad but he is willing to run that risk.

OP get a male family member there preferably one who is bigger than him and see if he acts differently.