Still cant believe this is happening

[Cantsleep22]

I've posted a few times on here over the last few months but just feel like my situation is not easing at all. In fact it seems to be spiraling out of control

My ex husband left on the 5th August for "space" and never came back. To this day he has never explained his reasons for leaving. By the 22nd August i'd found out there was someone else involved, a colleague from his work. He has since moved in with her (end of september to my knowledge) and now she has a baby on the way. I cannot catch my breath at the speed of all of this. I believe they were having an affair but he claims they wern't.

On top of all of this I had a 6 year old and a 7 month old when he left. I was breastfeeding and life was hard enough. He left when I needed him most.

I have since returned back to work 3 long 12 hour days. I am coping money wise now as I have an income, benefits and child maintenance set up.

We have attended mediation for access to the children as I have also found out he has a more serious drink problem than I first thought. He has been drinking in the mornings and has hid it from me for years. I finally caught him out due to security cameras we have on the house. I asked him not to drive the children so he had been seeing them at his moms and i was dropping them off. My eldest then told me he had been taking them in the pub before lunch time and he was drinking then! I said he could only see them at my house which he has done a few times but now he doesn't want to do. He has also cancelled mediation and claims he is taking me to court. He has only seen the children for 2 hours since boxing day.

We have a joint mortgage and we both want to sell up. He has said on a couple of occasions (and in messages) that I can have all of the equity. In return I wont ask for any shares, investments or pensions to be considered. The equity is 50k which will be a nice deposit for a 3 bed semi in my area. I have asked him to sign a consent order to get this all legalised but he is refusing to until I let him have the girls which I wont be blackmailed over. No win situation! Every month there is a battle over paying the mortgage. We currently pay half each. He left it to go two months into arrears before xmas which caused alot of tension.

I'm sorry this is so long but needed to get it all written down and see what other peoples views were. I am currently town between paying solicitors to help me move on with the house or for the court case over access to the children

He has said on a couple of occasions (and in messages) that I can have all of the equity. In return I wont ask for any shares, investments or pensions to be considered. The equity is 50k.
Get a solicitor. He’s pulling the wool over your eyes. I bet his shares, investments and pensions are worth way more than 50k.

Get legal advice. He's proven he can't be trusted .

i really have no energy to take him for everything also dont have the money to drag this through court. I just ant to move on with mine and the girls lives. He can have everything else I just want to start again. 50k is enough for me to do so

Your settlement will need to be approved by the court. Both of you will need to provide financial details, including investments, pension etc. He will need to write to his pension provider to get an up to date CEV. As a po said, that could be worth considerably more than the 50k house equity. Hold firm. Don't think that agreeing to his demands will be an end to all the shite. People like him keep on giving. Good luck from someone who has been there

will his new baby be considered in the settlement when it hasnt been born yet?

My kids are adults so fortunately I didn't have to deal with that side of it. But from what I have learnt, I believe you either agree a figure for child support or go via CMS, who calculate a sum based on his circumstances. No idea how they would view a pregnancy, but may be worth giving them a ring. Whatever you do, get some legal advice generally, many solicitors offer a free 30 mins consultation. Also, there is a lot of info online about divorce. Hopefully someone else may be able to give you more info. If there's not much help here, it may be worth getting your thread switched to the relationships board, where there is a lot more traffic, and lots of talk re divorce issues beyond the emotional

Please please don't walk away with 50k. I know you maybe just want to be rid of him and feel you can move on but it's a long life for you and the kids if you're going to struggle and wish you'd got more.

Definitely speak to a solicitor. Have you got family and friends you can speak to for emotional support.

Please, please educate yourself about the financial aspects of divorce. Your library will have some useful books. Make notes and compile a list of questions to ask a solicitor specialising in divorce.

His pension alone is likely to be worth MUCH more than 50k!!

Do not go into this without qualified legal advice. Just don't.

do i necessarily need a solicitor to get full financial disclosure? Bearing in mind he "forgot" to fill out his financial forms at the one mediation session he turned up to. Is there a way I can via the court ask him to fill in those forms? I believe I will get help with court fees as I didnt have to pay when I filed for divorce last september

You need to see a solicitor - it will be money well spent.

Do nothing else until you've seen a solicitor.

I have found two solicitors one charges £220 + vat per hr and the other £100 + vat. Obviously the cheaper one is more affordable but is this like the saying goes you get what you pay for?

I don't know where you live, but £100 seems way too cheap. Even £220 is very reasonable.

Check that they are members of the Family Law Association. Insist on speaking to them on the phone before committing to an appointment.

Do you know anyone who got divorced in the last few years? Personal recommendations are always best.

But do your homework before seeing a solicitor so that you can make the best of the time and ask very specific questions. If possible ask a friend to come along and take extensive notes.

What kind of income does he have and how much has he paid into a pension scheme (in terms of years) compared to you?

IME if they offer a deal it's because it's one that's in their favour.

What does being a member of the family law association mean?

I thought 220+vat was high! Roughly how many hours would I be looking at paying for? Obviously this depends I know but roughly?

He was earning 56.5k but had a pay rise in Oct so I don’t know what he’s earning now. He’s paid into the compulsory work pension since 2014

Oops realised hat has his name and address on how do I remove

OP you may not what his name and address showing!!!!

Report the thread to mumsnet

I’ve reported it.

@MNHQ will remove for you please message them

I’ve removed it sorry! Reattached without sensitive info

Without looking at your documents at all, it seems clear to me that anyone earning what your DH earns offering you less than a year’s worth of his salary is shocking. Do not accept. A solicitor will help you sort this and get you a vastly better deal.

Second the advice about seeing a solicitor.

Money Advice Service has some good info on financial aspects of divorce:

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/categories/divorce-and-separation

They also have a divorce and money calculator which may be useful:

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/divorce-and-money-calculator