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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

How did you know it was time to end it?

19 replies

HGranger · 17/01/2020 20:05

I've posted on here a few times. Everything has been terrible for a while and just seems to get worse. Christmas was utterly miserable. Just arguments every few days, then a few days if calm when you think you can patch things up.

Everything came to a head a Christmas, we both agreed to try, get marriage counselling, he is getting anger management help and I had counselling for depression last year.

But every argument just seems to break everything a little bit more. Every day it hurts that bit more. We have given 13 years to each other and have a 2 year old, but I cannot go on like this. I've thought it would be just easier if he cheated on me. It would give me something tangible to hold on to as a reason. But some days I feel we can make it work. How do I know its beyond help? Any experiences would be appreciated.

OP posts:

SparkleUK · 17/01/2020 20:22

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this.

I was married a year so far less invested than you, nor did we have children so I can't begin to imagine how much harder that must have been.
For me, it was a case of imagining my life further down the line and did I want to sacrifice really feeling happy for the rest of my life just to keep to the status quo and not rock the boat. I could definitely have let it carry on but I would've been existing and not truly happy or having what I really wanted out of life.
Leaving and not continuing in my opinion is the far harder decision and road to take than to make the effort to try and something only you know.
Are the issues things you can see yourself working through? Whatever you decide has to be for your own happiness but I wish you the best in coming to a decision

SparkleUK · 17/01/2020 20:23

^ Oh and I knew I didn't want children with him. I always loved children and saw myself having them but I just couldn't see it with him. That was a flag for me

Palaver1 · 18/01/2020 13:24

When i knew i would never rest in peace if I died bearing his name.

Alladdsup · 19/01/2020 17:54

Why is he having anger management therapy? Is he aggressive? I've posted a few times about similar, it's hard to see the woods for the trees during a "nice" or calm period, does it feel a bit like that?

TeaLibrary · 19/01/2020 18:00

Honestly OP. If he's having anger management sessions, are you having to tiptoe around him. How much are his anger issues contributing to your depression? You clearly aren't happy. It's okay to say that you don't want to go on like this. If living like this is hurting you every single day then that is time to say enough is enough. You have one life and surely you don't want to spend any more of it being so unhappy and frightened of him.

Purplewithred · 19/01/2020 18:06

One day it was 50.5:49.5 in favour of staying, the next day something tiny happened and I realised we'd crossed the line and I could not stand another second. There was nothing especially rational or considered about it, I just went from questioning whether I should go to knowing it was over and - crucially - knowing I didn't care if I was seen as the 'bad one' splitting up the relationship.

Original poster

HGranger · 20/01/2020 10:14

Has anyone found marriage counselling worked? We are trying it, but I want to make it clear it's last chance saloon and put a time frame in place for us to agree to part if things dont dramatically change.

OP posts:

Original poster

HGranger · 20/01/2020 10:19

@Alladdsup he looses his temper very quickly, resorts to swearing quickly, often throws his phone when he is angry. I find it incredibly difficult to see the wood from the trees, that is the best description of how I feel.

OP posts:

cushioncovers · 20/01/2020 10:22

Do you want your child walking on eggshells growing up with a parent who's fine one minute and is loosing his temper and throwing things in the next?

Hollyrose79 · 20/01/2020 10:51

I left a very similar relationship with 2 small children. I realised I didn't want them growing up thinking this behaviour was ok. I also didn't want us all to continue walking on eggshells around him. Obviously everything was always my fault, my self esteem was at rock bottom. When it was just the 3 of us life was perfect, this gave me the push I needed to leave.

Original poster

HGranger · 20/01/2020 11:20

Thanks @Hollyrose79:( I know if someone else was telling me what I'm saying, I would tell them to go, but it's so much more difficult when you're in the middle of it.

OP posts:

Blushingm · 21/01/2020 22:20

When ex fil is shouting at ex h down the phone 'you need to learn to control your wife!' And ex apologised to his dad and said 'I'm trying to'

daintytoes · 21/01/2020 22:55

Our issues have been building for a long time.

Together 9yrs and married for 5yrs. I have a 16yo DD.

He cannot cope with a teenager behaving like a teenager. Eg, pushing the boundaries, eye rolling, slamming doors, making bad choices etc. I can't say I'm thrilled about it either however I try my best to keep her on the right path. She's had 2 years of counselling and has also recently been diagnosed with bulimia.

If they got in to an argument then they'd both come to me moaning about the other one, expecting me to take their side. I was constantly put in a situation where no matter what my opinion I'd end up pissing someone off. My anxiety grew and grew and I'd end up a mess at the slightest sniff of tension between them.

If I didn't take his side and "punish" her in the way he saw fit then he'd basically call me a bad mum.

He absolutely hated her dad and had so much resentment towards him festering inside him, and I genuinely think he viewed her as an extension of him as opposed to her own person.

I asked him to go for counselling but he has refused...said if he needs to go for counselling because of his family then he shouldn't be in gay family any more.

Christmas was the final straw for me. He refused to join DD and I on our usual Xmas Eve traditions. He didn't get either of us a Xmas gift, didn't open his gifts from us (still unopened), didn't join us at my sisters for Xmas dinner. I had massive doubts for a while but that was the last straw for me.

I have been sleeping in the spare room since Xmas and I'm in the final stages of securing a rental property for DD and I.

I'm definitely no angel and I'm not perfect and have many faults, but I admit to them while he can't admit to his or accept he needs help. I lost all respect for him when he screamed that DD and I were a pair of arseholes.

Livandme · 22/01/2020 20:21

When I considered checking into a hotel for an afternoon of passion with someone else!
I didn't but it made me realise things weren't going to get any better.
Stayed another 12 months and every day was a struggle tbh

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 22/01/2020 21:50

Does he lose his temper, swear and throw his phone at people at work? No. This is abuse, it is manufactured anger to abuse you and control you. It is not real anger so anger management will not help and will trap you in a crap relationship with your abuser for longer. If you post in relationships section it's busier, you will get a lot of sensible advice about the steps you can take to get out safely

abstractprojection · 23/01/2020 12:44

I went for a weekend away with friends (it was already booked for both of us, but I said that I was going alone and he stayed at home) I went for a long walk by myself and in that the realisation that our relationship no longer existed. It was not a decision, just acceptance.

The moment I accepted this a calm came over me in a wave, the gut churning anxiety in the pit of my stomach that I had lived with for so long I didn't notice it, went. I said to one of the friends I was away with, wow is this what normal feels like.

He did cheat, which I guess made it easier, as you say it's more tangible and I could give a definable and understandable reason to family and friends that didn't require further explanation. But it wasn't the reason why our relationship ended, if anything the cheating was an acknowledgement (abet an extremely cruel one) of this on his part.

I then found out that my family were aware of how unhappy I had been for so long, and were relieved that it had ended even before they knew why. And that some 'friends' declared me 'crazy and making things up' despite him admitting to everything.

So it's not like I needed an excuse for my family, or that having an excuse it was good enough for some so called friends.

Isitreally77 · 24/01/2020 10:08

When he threw his wedding ring at me. It wasn't even when he accused me of having an affair, it was throwing his ring at me that hurt the most.

SuperMeerkat · 24/01/2020 10:12

Three things.

He gave me clymidia
He took my then 4 year old out on a picnic with his new woman an told him to keep it a secret
I went round to the shared house he was staying at and the live in landlord let me into his room. There were romantic cards saying ‘to my boyfriend/girlfriend/love of my life’.

When my mum and I said who I was to the landlord he threw my ex out on the street that day as he was so disgusted. I filed for divorce that day.

Brabbs · 28/01/2020 04:33

Well I had an affair but long before this I knew. Lots of things over the years added up to me being so controlled that I look back and think the affair starting, much as I fought against it initially, was me feeling I had one over on him for a change. So mature
Even then I intended to stay married until my youngest goes to uni in 3 years but I fell in love and couldn't bear being at home any longer.

I very much wish I'd done it while my children were much younger as they're so very aware of what's happening and as much as it's amicable ish, it's had its moments of course.

Good luck OP!

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