Moving past missing someone and the fears

[Notamummybutneedhelp]

I added a previous thread about my marriage breakdown. In essence after 8 years together and almost 5 years married, my husband abruptly decided he doesn’t feel the same anymore and wants out. He can’t articulate why this happened and I’m at a loss as I genuinely thought up until very recently everything was ok.

I’m trying to make myself see that I’ll be better off without him and I know divorce is the only option as even if he changed his mind I would never ever trust him again.

That said, there’s two things I’m struggling with.

A) How do you just let go of everything you built together? We made so many lovely memories and such a good life. This is my first adult relationship so I’m really struggling with just accepting that life as I know it is over and my new life without him is going to be so different and in some ways difficult.

Another stinger is that he also earns quite a bit more than me so although I’m coming out of the settlement ok he’ll be able to continue his good life and I’ll struggle. Given how heartless he’s been and how much or a coward he’s been this feels so unjust. Daft I know.

B) The what comes next. Because I didn’t have closure I’m not sure what went wrong. I’ve pretty much just had “it’s not you, it’s me”. And all conversations have been over WhatsApp, he’s too cowardly to speak to my face. He’s adamant there’s no one else and I’m not sure if I believe him but don’t have much choice. That said, the idea of him being with someone else now or later, confiding in someone else and sharing his world with someone else makes me so sad. I feel so rejected and the idea of the “next woman” who in his eyes will be so much better than me just hurts so much.

For anyone that has gone through this, how do you do it? How do you stop those feelings?

Any advice would be much appreciated x

I just wanted to pop back and see how everyone is doing?

I feel like I’ve regressed massively. I was doing so well I’d cut contact other than house stuff. I’d tried to really just give myself closure and just move on but this week I’ve had a total meltdown.

I got my period which makes a lot of sense but I couldn’t shake so many thoughts and questions and just things I wanted to confront him about and essentially I just sent a barrage of messages and have some across totally deranged.

I’m so annoyed at myself for not holding it together when I was doing so well.

Any tips on how to stop doing stupid stuff like that?

And how do you process when your husband just stops feeling the same and can’t explain but just lost his feelings. I don’t have particularly high thoughts of myself but when someone tells you they love you and your beautiful and are everything to them and then suddenly they just don’t feel that way how do you just accept it?

Any wise words would help because I feel like I’m losing the plot

I am 5 months in and still finding it tough. Exh just getting on living his best life while I'm here missing the part of him who was my best friend for 30 years. Reading this thread with hope it must get better soon!

Doing ok. Still miss him but just focusing on work and myself. Trying to keep busy! I've been taking to ex on and off, I want to see him but I dont think that's a good idea right now.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen ah you’re a little bit further on than me. It’s so hard isn’t it. 30 years is such a long time, how do you even begin to let go of all those memories? Do you ever obsess about things? Do you have any contact?

@dazedandconfused10 I’m glad you’re doing ok and focusing your attention elsewhere. I’ve had minimal contact but I’m the same. I asked to see him to discuss face to face as he ended it all over WhatsApp and I said we deserved more. He said he will but I’ll have to wait a few weeks until he feels he can but that just made me more annoyed.

I’ve acted crazy this weekend. Really need to pull myself back together. Why is it so bloody hard?

@Notamummybutneedhelp I still have contact as have a dd, pickups and drop offs are the times that it feels much harder. I don’t want to be civil but have too, if that makes sense.

I have a secret note book so I can write but not text/send lol. And currently erasing him from the whole house so it’s mine not ours, doesn’t stop me feeling sad though.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen yeah that must be so hard. I’m lucky we don’t have that. I guess it’s important to be civil then.

Oh I did have this but sometimes I get overpowered by needing a response especially this weekend hence the messaging but then getting no reply just makes me feel worse / more stupid than I did before. Still no idea how it all came to this.

Must be so empowering erasing him from the house. We sold our house so I’m currently looking for my home by myself and can’t wait to just make it mine and not need anyone else’s opinion

I would actually have loved to be able to move and find a new home as it’s also hard moving on from memories with every change, but decided I needed to stay here to give dd a bit of stability. I do take great delight in watching him squirm at every change, and have taken pleasure in changing the bits he was most proud of first!

I’m sure it must get better soon, step away from the phone @Notamummybutneedhelp and make plans for your beautiful new home

Hi all , in the same boat. Feeling very sad today. Also trying not to do the text thing. Re did some of the house ..... it made me feel sadder 😣

Thinking of you all

Didn't want to read and run as this place was fantastic for me. So I'm a year out of mine (divorce went through last week). Married for 5 months and together for 8 years before he pulled the 'not happy card'. Unfortunately for me there was another woman who he has since moved across the world to be with.

I can hand on heart say it was the worst time of my entire life but... it does get better. You have to quickly accept that this is not the person you knew or loved and do not rely on them to help you through this. You have to go through each stage before you are healed and I still have wobbles now (mostly out of frustration rather than missing him). Fortunately, we had not started a family because sadly I feel the situation would be no different and he'd still have moved away. I cannot imagine having to see/speak every few days whilst you're healing. No contact is the best way.

I'm enjoying being single, having fun and currently decorating my new home. In the beginning it feels like you will never get better but I promise you you will. I always say 'it' doesn't get better but you do.

Thinking of you all

@Rock3pillo my goodness thank you so much, that is everything I needed to hear. I’m so sorry it happened to you, it’s absolutely horrific but selfishly find solace in shared experiences somehow. I’m sorry.

Thank you @Emmerdaledramaqueen he messaged me randomly before bed saying he’s having anxiety and panicked attacks from hurting me. I rolled my eyes so hard and have now blocked him. Glad you’re getting your home how you want it.

and @Tinydancer123 the sad days really are the hardest ones. I really prefer the angry or “feeling myself” type of days haha. Try and find some joy in making things how you want. Anything he wouldn’t like, do it. I’m already planning decorating my house in many ways he just wouldn’t have liked. Because I will like it and the metaphorical two fingers up to him will make it even more enjoyable ☺️

Well ladies after a miserable weekend and feeling really unstable I have taken the plunge and made an appointment to discuss counselling, hoping that talking through the mess with someone impartial will help me back to some stability. Hope we are all looking after ourselves!

Well done!! Counselling is fantastic and I highly recommend it. It's nice speaking to somebody impartial who knows nothing. I found great relief when my counsellor turned around and called my ex-husband a t**t and informed me how many relationships that start as affairs (such as his and the OW's) fail. I guess she sees it dailysometimes it's nice hearing somebody else outside of it all is of the same opinion as you and your circle of support.
Good luck lovely xxxx

Evening ladies. I hope you have all had a better day. I'm sorry you have found yourselves here. It sucks and there isn't a hurt like it. Like you I thought my ex had my back through thick and thin. Sadly after 14 years he checked out and moved on to ow.

That was 2 years ago now and I'm feeling ok now. I still have days I get upset. We have the children so have to have contact.

Keep Contact to the absolute minimum. And only about house. Money or kids. Ignore everything else.

Write things down. When you are angry. Or emotional. I use to write draft e mails and sit on them for 24 hours before sending anything. Usually it passed and never got sent.

Seek support from friends. Family and your gp. Counselling from local charities doesn't need to cost a lot but gives you a safe place to unload.

Move things around at home and make your space your own. My ex hated this. I got called pathetic a few times. But in reflection that was because I was taking some control back.

It takes time. There are no short cuts. They say a month for every year you were together. Everyone is different.

I couldn't imagine wanting to be or meet anyone else. I'm still struggling with that idea. But I'm open to the concept of dating and meeting people. Where that might go who knows. But I know I deserve so much better.

Just be kind to yourself. And gather good people around you.

Today is a bad day. I have cried and got angry.
The realisation that he is so cold and it is over is so awful .
I wish I could stop my anger my tears.

Sending all of you ladies hugs.

I moved out of our home 6 months ago as I just had enough of the emotional abuse. But I’m
Really struggling and find it so hard even though it was my decision. I’m even contemplating giving things another go but I know that’s not the right thing to do. Why is it so hard

Hello, I’m new here, I can relate to a lot of your posts and it is comforting to know others are going through similar situations.
My husband left for someone else 6 months ago - I seem to be stuck in sadness, I’m still trying to fight for our marriage even though he has clearly moved on. I didn’t see it coming, we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, we rarely argued, spent lots of time together as a family, it’s totally devastated me and our children. He still tells me he loves me, that it’s not that he doesn’t want to be with me, this is just something he has to do. Most of the time it feels like he has changed completely since he left. He wasn’t honest about why he went for a long time and slowly revealed the truth, so maybe that’s why I feel like it’s still very raw. He works with this woman, so they are completely tied up in work and personal life now. He sees our son regularly but has lost his close relationship with our daughter, and our son is struggling hugely missing his dad in his everyday life.

I miss him horribly and feel so lonely. Any advice on how to accept what has happened and begin to move forward would be wonderful. Thank you.

Hi all how are you ?
@JA77 it will not let me tag you.
I think if he has had an affair you need to consider if you want that person back ?
Trust is so important and in essence we think we can forgive but can we forget? Also how would the OW feel that he is saying these things.

My situation is different and I am unsure if their is OW with an affair ,although there has been an issue with someone. There has been alot of controlling behaviour and some hands on pushing /grabbing.

My ex just never loved me like he should and we had some fab times but I think I forgave to much and therefore he continued his bad behaviour .

Right now the anger I have is awful but we have children so I have to communicate for the children sakes. It is really hard.

Sending strength

Hi, this sounds so much like what I am going through now. She seems fine, and I am a mess . She only told me she’s leaving and going back to America a few weeks ago and I hear her having a good time in the other room while I am depressed all the time.

@Tinydancer123 it’s so hard isn’t it.

I’ve made a total twat of myself this last week with his shall we try again slowly, yep ended in bed (can’t believe I let that happen) now I’m distraught all over again as it’s not what he wants, not even sure it was I wanted. Now I just feel crappy again and need to face finally moving on, while putting a face on for dd.

@Anthony36 if you can you need to get either her or you out; you’ll destroy yourself listening to that other room.

Hi

I can completely relate to people on here. 10 months ago my husband who I’ve been with for 12 years told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me but didn’t have anyone and it’s not me I’m perfect beautiful and he loves me but just wasn’t in love with me. Until few months down the line I caught him
Cheating on me. I decided I would forgive him and would stay with him as I did love him and we have children together. I was completely blind sided by it all as I thought our marriage was perfect, we rarely argued, I supported him through everything, he was kind, we had a beautiful family life,,, so it was all a complete shock. But I soon realised he didn’t want to make the marriage work, told me he was in love with this ow and he doesn’t want the marriage so I walked out that day. It’s been 3 months now and I felt so angry at myself for not seeing it and stupid because i was willing to forgive him. It’s hard because I do still love him but he’s so cold and heartless at times and I am trying to keep contact minimal and just about kids and finances but it’s hard. I just want to wake up one day and not think about him and how much he has hurt me

So exhausted sorry !
@Emmerdaledramaqueen I have done the same with sex x

Right now don’t know if I’m more mad at him or me! However has spurred me on to get rid of the stuff he’s left (if he left it must be rubbish right!) and paint him out of the house. new bedding and bedroom just for me.
If only I could get rid of this anxiety and sadness.

Together for 12 years, married for 9. Never dreamt it would end but it did. Been separated 15 months and it is still painful. I just kept hope alive that maybe, maybe we could sort it out....but no. I need to move on now and stop hoping for reconciliation.