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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Allegations by ex

16 replies

Darkness369 · 04/01/2020 14:12

Today I've received court papers regarding custody arrangements for my DCs. These have come with a C1a form alleging that I am irrational and neglect the children. Half of the allegations refer to 6 years ago after our eldest was born and I had undiagnosed PND.

This man was emotionally abusive throughout our relationship (which ended early 2019). I went to the police about 3 months ago about his ongoing verbal abuse, but was told "we can't do anything just because someone is being nasty to you". I was/still am the primary caregiver, I am the carer for our son, I do all his appointments. My ex is happy to leave the kids in my care, despite the allegations he's made in the court papers (he wants residency, and ergo the family home).

So I might lose my kids and become homeless. I've not worked for years as I was sahm, so there's no way I can afford somewhere to live where I can have the kids.

I can't ring a solicitor until Monday. I need a virtual hug.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 04/01/2020 14:16

((((Hugs)))) its unlikely he will get this not unheard of but it is unlikely especially as it was PND six years ago and he has not shown concern since

Would you allow him to buy you out of the house and move out with your kids

Original poster
Darkness369 · 04/01/2020 14:34

We're not married and everything is in his name, so no chance of that. :(

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 04/01/2020 14:39

That police response was shit and inadequate. I am so sorry they have failed you. This is a pattern of harassment following on from coercive control. It is absolutely their job to act. I fucking despair at some call handlers.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Even if just for support and someone who'll understand?

Maybe also contact the National Stalking Helpline as they may be able to help you on getting the police to get their act together.

Dolorabelle · 04/01/2020 14:49

Oh the fecking bastard. Unbelievable - and will be thrown out I'm sure. Flowers

Elieza · 04/01/2020 14:54

I’m sure something that happened six years ago and has never been referred to or repeated again won’t be grounds for taking kids from you.
After all, if he knew you to be an unfit parent why has he not tried to do anything to protect the children in the intervening years? Or am I crazy.

Spagbol88 · 04/01/2020 15:06

The very fact that you've been the primary carer and he had "allowed" this to happen means his argument is void. They will state as much in court. If you were that much of a risk then he would have tried to seek interventions to remove the child from your care.
My partner had to go through a similar thing where his ex accused him of hurting his son. It went to family court and cafcass and even social services were involved at one point. She used to take photos of bruises and marks on his son and claim my partner had caused them. In the end the judge said, the fact that she had allowed his son to be with him every weekend meant she clearly didn't believe he was dangerous or harming his son. The judge gave her a bollocking and she even got given community service for breaching Court orders.

Original poster
Darkness369 · 04/01/2020 15:37

Ohwheniknow, it was a policeman who told me that, after a very uncomfortable hour-long meeting. It took a lot of courage to go to the police, but I had been warned that because it's emotional and we're separated they might not take it seriously. The policeman offered to talk to my ex, but I declined because I knew my ex would just escalate his behaviour as a result.

Women's aid just advised me to go to the police. A lot of places I've turned to for help haven't been all that helpful. This is a horrible situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darkness369 · 04/01/2020 15:38

SpagBol that's really reassuring, thank you. I'm sorry your family had to go through that.

OP posts:
Techway · 04/01/2020 17:35

Courts are robust to allegations and even in proven cases of abuse parents rarely lose contact completely. I know it is scary but courts see these allegations all the time. I was shocked at how vicious Ex H was in court documents, especially since he had always said what a great mum I was. He changed just to try and get what he wanted rather than compromise. It has ruined any chance of us parenting cooperatively and it cost us both money for no benefit.

The application is just to get a court hearing date and at least you now have some insight into his strategy. Sadly not amicable!

At the hearing your solicitor/barrister will lay out the counter claim for residency and refute the allegations but this is only brief as usually it is a very short hearing. It is highly likely Cafcass will be ordered to complete a report. Then Cafcass will schedule meetings with you, your ex and possibly the children, depending on ages. They may ask for children's GP reports or school records.

Once they have information they will write a report for court and this will have recommendations. Judges tend to follow these recommendations.

It is very unlikely you would lose complete care especially if you have been primary carer as status quo is often favoured. You will be encouraged to have contact for the nrp, usually eow and mid weeks, alternative Xmas and half holidays.
At best however he could get 50% of care. It might feel scary now but actually most mums adjust to time without their children and eventually enjoy some time off.

Re finances, if you are not named on anything and can't prove you have contributed then you won't have a claim on his house unfortunately. You will have to house the children yourself either through benefits or working plus CMS payments from nrp.

How are you managing now? Are you sharing a house, who is paying the bills?

youknowitmakessensedunnit · 04/01/2020 20:09

sounds like tit for tat allegations for you ringing the police

slipperywhensparticus · 04/01/2020 21:17

Ok, in that case I would move out find a house take the kids dont change schools etc stay close by let him keep the house

NeverTwerkNaked · 04/01/2020 21:23

Sending a hug. It's a totally crappy move by him but he is quite unlikely to succeed. Stay strong, stay calm. It will be ok. Have been there and I remember the horrible feeling so well.

How old are your children now? (Roughly?)

Original poster
Darkness369 · 04/01/2020 21:46

I've been on the council house waiting list since May. There's nothing in my area (rural), and nothing ever comes up.

Slippery, honestly if it was that easy I'd have done it. I have no money, no recent work experience, and I'm bound by having to commute and school hours (they're primary age). No one will rent to someone on benefits and I can't claim them until I have somewhere to live.

Having said that, most of these comments have been really helpful, especially Techway's.

His primary concern is money and not the children. He wants to stay in the family home with the children because if I was given settlement of property for the family home (under schedule 1, as primary carer), he'd have to sell his buy to let and lose the rent off it.

OP posts:
Crabonastick · 04/01/2020 21:52

OP can you link to some information regarding this schedule 1? I’ve not heard of it and I thought that as you aren’t married and name isn’t on the property then you weren’t entitled to anything?

OP posts:
Pardalis · 07/01/2020 22:00

A huge thumbs up for Kingsley Napley family law department. They are amazing people - anyone who can see them should.
(Ex employee! Non lawyer)

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