Please can you share your experiences telling DCs?

[NeverGuessWho]

There’s no good time to tell them, is there?
But please could anyone out there share stories of how the DCs were told of impending separation, and the ages of the DCs at the time?
How did they cope & react to the news?
Did it affect their education/self esteem/sleep/relationship with you?
My DCs range in age from 9 to mid twenties, with a pre teen and a teen in the mix.
There is no abuse that they are currently aware of, no cheating on either part. I’m aware that I’m going to look like the bad guy, while their DFather will do an Oscar winning performance of playing the innocent victim, whilst being far from it.
TIA

Hi. I’m completely new to mumsnet and have just signed up this morning to ask the same question! My marriage has broken down, we realised on NY day that it was beyond saving. I’m incredibly sad and anxious about the future right now and very worried about the impact on my 9yo DC, who definitely would not have seen this coming.
So I’m afraid I have no advice but would be pleased to hear others thoughts on this.
And also any advice on how to get through the first few days / weeks of a break up. I honestly didn’t think this would happen. Can’t believe this is my life right now. 😢

Hello, I have some experience, in that I have previously separated and then got back together, this was a mistake so I am again teetering on the edge of separation again and telling the kids again. Last time the kids were 9, 12 and 17. The eldest took it in her stride , not upset and although no arguments she was not surprised as could feel the atmosphere and felt that it was pointless being together when we didn’t want to be. The middle one was upset to start with but very quickly became excited as her dad was moving out and she would have another house to go to (1 bed flat). The youngest was most affected, was visibly upset , confused and asked for the whole 12 months he was not living with us , when would he be back. All very different reactions, I think the youngest just didn’t understand the pain and hurt we caused each other because we had kept it so well hidden , my husband is mean and spiteful and will not communicate unless on his terms but this was all normal to her so she didn’t see the problem. The oldest could see this wasn’t normal so much easier for her. We both sat them down and basically said we weren’t happy living together, so their dad was moving out so we could see if we were happier apart. He was just round the corner , came for tea a few times a week and we got on much better when apart , so he never really left properly and I stupidly agreed he could move back in after a year. Three years later nothing changed and I’m stuck in the same position, I have to disrupt and upset kids, only youngest I’m really worried about the others can sadly see what an unhappy marriage it is. This time I have to make a proper break even though this will be harder on kids, in the long run I’m hoping they understand the reasons why and never put up with abuse and accept less than they deserve for as long as I have.

@Chapters123
Sorry to read your post. It’s so scary isn’t it? I wake up in a panic during the night at the thought of what lies ahead.
I flit between a panicky feeling in my chest, a deep physical feeling of dread & despair in my stomach, and anger and sadness, constantly. Strangely, I sometimes feel quite optimistic, too, that there will be an end to all the negativity & sniping.

How are you managing?

@suzysweet
Thanks for sharing that. It gives me some hope.
Out of my 3, DC2 is the most perceptive - I think it will be easier on her than the others.

So your youngest is 13 now? I hope she finds it easier this time round. It’s my youngest I’m most worried about, too.

What you said about hoping your DCs don’t put up with the abuse you have is key to why I’ve got to get the hell out. I’ve seen a few threads highlighting that our marriages are the blueprint for our DCs on what a relationship is. I’d hate any of my DCs to be married to a man like their dad, and that says it all.

Children are resilient. You Just have to keep it simple. Depending on their age.

My two were 10 and 5. We both sat them down and said daddy wasn't going to live with us anymore. He didn't love mummy but we both loved them very much and they would see him lots etc etc.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. The children were fine so long as I kept it together.

My ex worked away so home life was much the same. The biggest change was them doing stuff with dad(and new gf). And not me. They adapted.

I quickly set up every other weekend contact. As ex wanted a more ad hoc arrangement around his social life. In The beginning I went out and kept busy as being home was really uncomfortable without the children. I volunteered and made plans with friends. I found it really hard to start with. I also had a good sort through the house and got his stuff out of the way. Moved furniture around. New bedding and some decorating. Just to make home feel a bit different. That helped

The children coped well. With good routine and lots of talking with the eldest. Sadly their father hasn't been reliable and the children now see him for what he is.

@NeverGuessWho

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, that’s exactly how I feel. I’m so tired that I’m
managing to fall asleep ok most nights but waking with palpitations. I have exactly the same feelings you’ve described. Also i feel heartbroken and scared and then hopeful that we could still have a future together or optimistic that I will be ok without him. So many thoughts /emotions in one day!

It sounds very much like you need to end your relationship. You’ve clearly already made that decision and I hope you can find the strength you need to get through this and see a happier future for yourself and your DCs on the other side.

I’m making sure I eat properly (I have no appetite atm), take care of myself, tell myself that when I’m laying awake at night my body is still resting. Trying not to make myself physically ill.

The last few days I’ve made sure I’ve got plans to meet a friend, do something with DC, I guess it’s all distractions atm.

My husband is staying at his parents at the mo but coming home to put our DC to bed after work then leaving once she’s in bed. So she doesn’t know anything has changed yet. He leaves for work early, gets back late etc.

The evenings / night times are the worst.

I’m trying not to think too far ahead (about the endless nights alone etc) and just taking one day at a time. Not making any plans just yet.

I’m still really hopeful that we can work things out but I don’t think there’s an emotional connection between us anymore and I don’t know if that can be restored. Also I think the changes that my husband would need to make are too many and too great and it just doesn’t seem possible.

It all seems insurmountable atm. We’re seeing a counsellor at the weekend so maybe that will help clarify things one way or another.

@unicornsarereal72

I’m sorry to hear that but it sounds like you got though it and are in a better place now. I hope that’s the case.

Can I ask a practical question... did you have to see solicitors to agree that you would stay in the house? I don’t know where the law stands on any of this. I don’t know whether my husband could insist that we sell the house as soon as possible. I want as little disruption as possible for DC and she would be distraught at having to move home.

@Chapters123

The house was mine before ex
Moved in and there isn't a lot of equity. We weren't married. So it was relatively simple. I did see a solicitor for advice. And had some counselling support. I was and I am still grieving for what I thought we had together and the future ahead of us.

There isn't a hurt like it. The unknown and uncertainty. I never wanted us to split up. But these things happen. Day to day I'm ok. But Christmas has been emotional. And I foresee them always being so.

It is good you are having counselling and I hope that the path before you is smooth. Just take each day as it comes. Gather your friends around you. And know in time it does pass.

We told the kids yesterday. It was awful but they seem mostly ok today. DH is really down, I'm ok but feeling yucky inside. Really want this stage to pass and to have a kind of normal.

We told ours after eating dinner, they obviously realised he was sleeping in the spare room but we waited until we were sure. Younger (18) said afterwards she was expecting it and I should have left him years ago, older (21) still hasn't forgiven her father and won't go to his new house - completely opposite reactions

I actually found the conversation I had with them telling them I was relocating harder, this time it's their mum moving and they took it worse but they are adults and I deserve to be happy too!

Hi there

It will be fine - it will be awful for a bit but in the long run hopefully they will be ok.

My DC were 4 and 8. My ex and I had known for a few months but waited till we had a flat lined up. We sat them down and explained that we weren’t going to live together any more, and we didn’t want to be married as we didn’t love each other but we did love them very much. We kept it really simple.

They got it - instantly (more than I expected) and wailed and were devastated. But life moved on and they have adjusted.

For a long time they kept asking if we would ever get back together and we kept repeating that we wouldn’t.

Now 18 months on, they are fine, I have a new partner (as does my ex) who they love. And they see what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. (Both DCs are girls and it mattered to me that they shouldn’t have only poor role models for relationships).

A defining moment for me was when I told them I had a new boyfriend and explained what that meant and my eldest said she had never seen me kiss or cuddle her dad. Then I knew I had done the right thing.

But it is hard and I had a lot of bleak nights thinking I had ruined their childhoods and been selfish and should have stayed etc.

Good luck!
X

@Tanyaaah and @Chapters123 - how are things?
Thanks to everyone for sharing. I thought I’d give a quick update.

The children now know. Out of all 4 of them, only DC 2 (14) was upset, but with lots of TLC, he is now doing well, and is back to his old self - laughing and joking. I think the reactions of his siblings are helping him. It’s a huge relief, and we are all feeling positive about the situation, except my husband. I haven’t started any proceedings yet, but am making an appointment to see a solicitor in the next couple of weeks. I have had to cancel appointments twice.

I have found a flat, which I’m taking the children to see this afternoon. They have looked at the photos extensively and have sorted out who is having which room. 😍

Their reactions have been the best I could have hoped for. I feel incredibly lucky, and just wanted to post, because I know when I read positive comments about when you mners told your DCs, it really helped me.

@Tanya and @Chapters123 how are things?

Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I am in the same position.
Having to tell my 4 children that we are separating. The youngest is 13 and 17,then two who have left home.

I know that I will be blamed entirely by my wife for the break up but I cannot continue in an unloving toxic marriage any more.

I have found thinking about the impact on the kids so so traumatic, so much so that I have been in tears over it at home and at work.

Ideally, I want to rent a house within walking distance of their school before telling them. So they can spend as much time with me as they want.

@nube1

I hope it goes as well as can be expected for you & your DCs. When do you plan to tell them?

I want to tell the kids as soon as possible.

We are seeing a marriage counsellor this week jointly, I have already told him independently that it's over and the message is slowly sinking in.

Logistically it's likely be a few weeks before we can get all the kids together. I think that it's important that they hear the news from us together.

They will be a support for each other.
It's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.