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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Lack of support from family

5 replies

Takeoutyourhen · 26/12/2019 19:00

I’ve had 45 minutes of being talked at by my parents and sister about how I’m going to ruin the children’s lives, not going to survive alone, not going to find love again with “baggage” (3 DC). This isn’t the first time.
Whatever I say my reasons are for instigating the separation (and I’m not going into details with them), they have a reason as to why that is and it’s because he’s been stressed/working hard etc. There is an excuse for everything.
I’m practically being forced into counselling (although the sessions I’m planning is more to do with the relationship with my likely narcissistic mother), and they think that we need to spend more time alone or go on holiday.
It’s been exhausting trying to withhold the urge to literally scream that it’s not going to work, because that is the wrong answer for them.

As their daughter I feel a complete lack of support, my brain is like Mr Messy at the best of times right now and I wondered whether I’d have a good quiet evening but no, they even brought up last nights Gavin and Stacey to bulk their argument!

I’d love them to listen or provide a non-judgemental ear but all I’m getting is how I’m going to damage the children. Yes truth hurts but I think they are deliberately trying to shock me into falling in love with a man who I have fallen out of love with in every way. But otherwise we are on the same page for co-parenting and being amicable (still living together).
Any advice, even a hand hold.

OP posts:
Chuffaluffa · 27/12/2019 00:41

Total handhold here, I separated from my husband in July and expected never to meet a man. I can’t honestly say I’ve never had so much male interest, and that’s with three kids, I also know several mums of multiple kids who have met lovely men who were more than happy to take on their kids as their own- people do men a lot of disservice by assuming they won’t want to help with someone else’s kids- all is definitely not lost for you. Regardless of that though, you need to get to a point where you are confident enough to own your decision. Once you can firmly say to yourself ‘whether I live to regret this or not, it’s what I’m doing’, you’ll find the strength to do it. You can’t live for anyone else. Good luck x

Takeoutyourhen · 29/12/2019 12:12

Thanks @Chuffaluffa that’s reassuring to hear.
I feel that I don’t exist so my flight or fight mode is flight feeling heavy.

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parrotonmyshoulder · 29/12/2019 15:39

Counselling for yourself (not him) might’ve a good idea, but not to convince you to change your mind!
I had a similar situation a few years ago when I wanted to leave but was persuaded by arguments like you’re describing that I was wrong/ selfish/ even depressed or crazy.
So I stayed, and it got worse (or no better anyway) so now I’m going. This time I’ve had 18 months of counselling and will be in stronger position emotionally to follow through.
Not looking forward to the start of the process, but really looking forward to the end.

gemh1984 · 30/12/2019 11:22

When I left my husband in January, my parents couldn't understand why at all and even trying to explain everything that happened with him I still don't think they understand.
Why would I want to leave my lovely house - because I don't love my abusive husband and want to actually be happy. They still don't get it and I've just had to spend Christmas being judged for it and no acknowledge of the lovely man who I've met since who makes me so happy.
We didn't have children but still being judged for your choices to make you happy is horrible.

Think counselling will really help to come to terms that they will probably never understand.

Takeoutyourhen · 30/12/2019 19:40

Best of luck @parrotonmyshoulder, I hope it goes as well as it can be.
My mum has suggested depression, they also think I’m mad. Much like you @gemh1984 why would I want to leave the house? And despite us being fair to each other with 50% of the children, I’m getting A LOT of “how are you walking away from those 3 children?”
“how could you do it, I don’t know how you do it!”
“I would never leave you with your father!” Etc... a lot of projection.
@Chuffaluffa how did you find it? Any words of wisdom?

I’m now in the situation of wanting to leave and rent somewhere but unsure whether I can do so with universal credit. Different thread altogether. Don’t want to jump before I can run.

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