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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Babies dad making childcare difficult

10 replies

Ray88 · 16/12/2019 04:41

Apart from being verbally abusive towards me regularly. My daughters (16 months), dad is making arranging contact very difficult. The relationship has been over now for just over a year. There was a brief period were we got along ok. He then asked me to get back with him and I said no and made it clear based on all that had happened that would not be happening. During that period when things were ok I got an email from him saying he was about to start a new job that would provide him with his shift notice every seven weeks. At the time we were arranging contact around his work rota which he received every week. It was hard but I appreciated that it was out of his hands and he wasn’t deliberately giving me short notice. He said once he starts his new job he will provide me with his availability every seven weeks in advance so that I could better plan. However since things broke down again after I rejected him, he is now sending me many emails saying that I can only have two weeks notice and lump it’ and that ‘two weeks is all I am getting’ I have remained calm and sent him civilised emails with my reasons for wanting his full seven week availability. Such as how it will make it easier for me to return to work, I have childcare all organised so I won’t be relying on him but it would still make it easer to know what days he is seeing her. I don’t have a social life as I never leave my baby and I have a ten year old daughter from a previous relationship. I just want to be able to better plan our weekends together as a family unit and so on. I’ve told him that if he was only getting two weeks notice of his shifts himself that I would understand but that it seems pointless only giving me two weeks notice when he has seven weeks in front of him. What he also forgets is that it often equates to him giving me just a few days notice when he emails on a Sunday night with his two weeks notice but is wanting contact the next day. I feel he is acting deliberately but it’s about to go to court and he’s told me the judge will agree with him that two weeks is plenty of notice and that I’m not privy to his full Rota. He tells me it’s not his fault if I have poor time management skills and can’t cope with two weeks. He also says that I have nothing to plan and that if I ask for more notice again he is going to report me for harassment. Does anyone have any thoughts on what the judge may think is fair? I’m not asking for his rota for any other reason than it will make life that little bit easier. There are lots of things going on right now between me and him such as him being warned by police to stop being verbally abusive towards me. But I don’t want to look like I’m harassing him when I’m not.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 16/12/2019 04:46

This situation sounds unsustainable for both you and your child as they get older. Tell him that contact EOW and one night a week is reasonable and he will need to sort out his shifts to accommodate his child. You have tried it his way and it doesn't work. Plus it allows another way for him to continue to be abusive and controlling.

Ray88 · 16/12/2019 14:15

Thanks for the reply. I just hope the judge agrees with me and orders that he provides his full availability

OP posts:
Spritesobright · 17/12/2019 13:23

He is seriously taking the piss! He's been very lucky up until this point that you've been so flexible and accommodating. But instead of thanking you he is making life even more difficult.
I agree with PP. Tell him which days/times he can have and it's his problem to work around that. I'm certain a judge won't agree with him and will side with you and at least demand the 7 weeks notice that he gets.
But surely a solicitor could advise better.
Good luck.

Ray88 · 17/12/2019 22:19

I know someone who works with him and tonight they confirmed that his rota is as follows as it is the same for all staff. It is a permanent fixed rota that would allow him to plan in advance what days you would he off work.

At present it is a 7 week rolling rota consisting of two 14.5hrs days and a 10hr shift. Staff are expected to work 39hrs a week that includes weekends. The earliest staff work is from 7am, and the latest working till is 11pm.

I can’t understand why he is so reluctant to commit to seeing his daughter over the next seven weeks but claims I’m the one making contact hard I just hope the judge can see him for what he is

OP posts:
Cluckyandconfused · 19/12/2019 20:52

Do you have a solicitor? Or could you afford a consultation with one so you have an idea of what constitutes reasonable contact?

I was under the impression that when a NRP works away/has a variable shift work rota it is not in the child’s best interests to have contact that is constantly changing, i.e. contact might be EOW and it is up to the NRP to arrange their life to accomodate this.

ColaFreezePop · 19/12/2019 21:56

I can’t understand why he is so reluctant to commit to seeing his daughter over the next seven weeks but claims I’m the one making contact hard I just hope the judge can see him for what he is

Because he is an a-hole. Remember every permanent employee has the right to ask for flexible working.

Parents who are difficult about fixing contact times in Child Arrangements are only concerned with themselves looking good but don't want to the actual hard graft of parenting their child(ren).

And I say parents as there are mothers out there who are like this as well.

CalleighDoodle · 19/12/2019 22:01

He is trying to control you. His intention is to make your life difficult.

Ray88 · 19/12/2019 23:07

my good friend applied for a job at his place just before I found out he had started there. She went on to better things but today she had rang the company and asked a few questions about the rotas, obviously as in interested applicant. And they confirmed to her that ALL staff are on a fixed permanent rolling rota, currently seven weeks. It also turns out that when he only gave me 2 weeks notice for his availability on Christmas Day stating that he’d only just got his Christmas week confirmed, he was lying, as his rota for Christmas would of been the same as his normal rota. It was horrible asking him for his availability on Christmas Day, he sent long winded emails telling me I could have two weeks notice and that I must change my plans to accommodate him as if I don’t I’m abusing my daughter by not letting her see him and the courts would think bad of me. I changed my plans as I believe him he had only just been given his availability but it’s all lies

OP posts:
Ray88 · 19/12/2019 23:07

I have an appointment with my solicitor in the new year I’m very eager to see what she says as I’m sick of all of this now

OP posts:
EL8888 · 20/12/2019 00:14

To me it feels like he is being deliberately awkward to be controlling. Good luck with the solicitor, if sounds like a good idea

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