Separation- how do I make boundaries- his house?

[Chuffaluffa]

Hi everyone, I read a lot of this for comfort, and number 1 I’m sorry there are so many of us out there, and 2, thanks to everyone who responds- you support so many more people than just the poster.

Anyway, I asked my husband to leave in July. Years of too much drinking, general moodiness and lack of care took their toll, and he moved out. I still care very much for him, but I can’t live with him any more. He moved out at the start of August and is paying the mortgage plus the minimum he would be asked to for the kids by CMS. He is coming to see them at the house when he wants, and is staying somewhere rent free. His salary is several times mine.

I have worked with someone for a while who I got on with very well, and in October explained to him I was going through a separation. He had, unbeknownst to me, also been separated for a long time. We have become much closer, and I would say that we are a couple, although I don’t want any firm commitment given what I’m going through- my priority is getting me and the kids safe and secure. The problem is I’ve tried to keep everything amicable with my husband, as much as possible. I’ve let him come round whenever, see the kids whenever, he’s even stayed over. He says I’m the only one he’s got to talk to about anything, so tells me every emotional reaction he has to me dating someone, that people where we live think it’s disgusting. He wanted to prevent him meeting our children, or entering our house. I’m scared that if I withdraw my emotional support from him he’ll do something terrible, but likewise every day I am receiving messages that I’ve destroyed his life, and he’s broken, and I should put him out of his misery.

On top of this, he’s financially controlling, and thinks that I should be entitled to 50:50 of our assets because I’ve been a stay at home mum for seven years and although I work my butt off I’m still not on a high salary. Yesterday he told me that if I was going to be difficult (ie. ask for more money for the kids/bills), he’s start asking me for rent. I am paying for a mortgage I’m not named on, and a car I’m not named on and can’t afford. I’m not even a joint policy holder on the insurance, and I can’t afford legal advice. We’re going to go through mediation but I’m overwhelmed by the financial statement.

I don’t even know what I’m asking, i just don’t know where to turn. Sorry for the waffle.

@Chuffaluffa it sounds like he's trying to emotional and financially abuse you. Having been through something similar I would advise to get copies of all legal documents now (deeds to house etc, proof of bill payments, bank statements etc) is also ask for free legal aid? Have you checked this out?
Try to put money aside just in case he cuts you off all together.

He’s paying me money that I have to pay back to him (into a separate bank account) which then pays the mortgage, so 1. It looks like he’s giving me more than he is, 2. He’s paying his own effing mortgage, and 3. It takes me over the legal aid threshold for mediation. Well and truly stitched up. I should add that I don’t think it’s intentional, he’s not that bright. Thank you, I will try. I’ve got copies of payslips but he’s always kept his bank statements v discreetly. Thank you for your advice, I feel at breaking point.

Hi
I’d get done free legal advice by way of a free consultation (most family solicitors offer this). Also there are many sub clauses to the matrimonial causes act / married women’s property act that can apply here. If you were married, even though property/finances etc might be in one person’s name, the assumption is that they are holding it in trust for you both so one person ‘legally’ owning something doesn’t mean that you will have no claim on it. The court can also order bank statements to be disclosed.

The whole money for emotional support thing does sound abusive, and he may want to make you dependent on him. The key thing to remember is that you are not dependent on him, and you may feel that you are in some respect but that is because he has trained you to think that way!

Definitely seek legal advice and you could also try women’s aid as they have solicitors that work for them and do call backs. XX

This is a very odd setup, why can't he pay the money into the mortgage feeding account himself? Get him to do that.

I think you need to start proceedings ASAP, I hope the mediation helps you to get to a quick agreement. I wouldn’t dismiss the idea that he is more clever than you think, paying you so you pay his mortgage is genius.

I can totally empathise with the whole only having you to talk to, my ex is also like that. He apologises for it and then when I try to be kind he throws it back in my face and abuses me. Mine also drinks too much and I think he is trying to hold on to controlling me.
I think you should get some free advice and get a good understanding of where you are financially you can then make some plans. Remember he is not your priority and you do not need to continue to manage his behaviour. Stay strong x